LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 1 ~ "The Interview"

Queridos Amigos,

Gracias in advance for continuing to support us by nominating us for the SHORTY AWARDS! We are so happy and puffed up about it, we're about to break some stitches!

So I've decided that in order keep you in stitches, I'd announce an exciting 12 part series we're about to put out on this very blog! ... We will print, for the first time ever ~ the backstory of Los Titeres!

You'll get to find out where everyone came from and learn the one BIG story that brought them all together to create this off-kilter comedy show.

So exciting I have to warn Ronaldo to keep it in his pants, and Conchita to slow down with the Tequila.

The series will be written in SCREENPLAY FORM, so sit back, relax, get out your popcorn, and ENJOY:  LosTiteres.TV ~ The Movie!

*************

PART 1: "The Interview"

WHITE NOISE - GASPS IN AND OUT UNTIL A CAMERA TURNS ON: UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC...

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - PUPPETS MILL ABOUT

POV - THE FLOOR - TURNED SIDEWAYS, HUMAN AND PUPPET FEET WALKING AROUND. 

Credits roll over this ODD ANGLE...

SEÑOR LORO (O.S.) 

Are you sure -- do my feathers look

alright? I feel -- 

I'd love to get you some 

cafe con leche 

-- it's part of our culture, 

if only I had an assistant.

BLUEBOX 

You have one, I'm standing right

here, mothafucka. You got no peripheral vision?

SEÑOR LORO 

Oh, yes, Bluebox, I always forget

you're there. I don't know why -- anyway, get us some espresso shots.

BLUEBOX 

I'm not gettin' you anything now,

bitch, you pissed me off nah.

SEÑOR LORO 

Conchita, you'll get 'em --

CONCHITA 

According to my contract, you can go fuck yourself!

I am a star in the Latin world.

NEWS REPORTER 

Uh, can we get on with this? We're

ready to go LIVE.

SEÑOR LORO 

Someone's got to get him coffee, we

can't act like a bunch of boat people.

CONCHITA 

You listen to me: Fughettaboutit.

BLUEBOX 

I ain't gettin' shit. Sideline me,

red bird.

SEÑOR LORO 

Yes, please forgive me, Mister

Reportero... Things around here 
are usually ESPECTACULAR!

During this argument, the camera is lifted from the floor by the cameraman, NICKY. 

Loro is framed by Conchita and Bluebox in some BARELY AUDIBLE BICKERING.

NICKY 

Three... Two... One...

Loro shoves Conchita and Bluebox out, clearing the frame for a MED-CLOSE UP of him.

SLEEK LOWER THIRD TITLE WITH ACCOMPANYING SOUND EFFECT... WHOOSH: "SEÑOR LORO (CREATOR/PRODUCER/HOST/FORMER COMMUNIST)"

NEWS REPORTER 

Hi, this is Bronson Lively for

Channel Three News Special Report, here in the final hours of the failed webisode series LosTiteres.TV.

A WHITE NOISE TITLE FLICKERS ON: Like a television screen coming to life: LosTiteres.TV.

NEWS REPORTER 

That long-standing, substandard

staple of Latino programming, LosTiteres.TV, 

SPANISH for ThePuppets.TV is finally going 

off the web, thanks to the government... 

Señor Loro is here, leader of the always 

failing and ultimately defunct show. 

Your thoughts?

SEÑOR LORO 

I don't know if I would say

defunct, more like in remission or a pause, or a siesta. I mean, Hollywood folks would say, HIATUS -- But to me that sounds like a

disease. You know, if you took the time to look at our work...

NEWS REPORTER 

Yes, we have a clip. Parents,

please remove your children from the room, unless you'd like them to enter therapy early. Roll tape.

INT. MONTAGE - SCENES FROM LOSTITERES.TV

A montage of different TEASER MOMENTS from the webisode are intercut to create a 30 second "advertisement"/montage for the comedy cast of characters.

SEñOR LORO SINGS along with a group of puppets as we intercut to blurbs from scenes. Very MTV.

The last of the BLURS is the OPENING THEME SONG:

LOSTITERES CAST 

Los Titeres are funny Los Titeres are fake,

Los Titeres are puppets That walk around awake. 

So, Turn on the Salsa, 'Cause Life's a Fiesta, 

Grab hold of your Mama, Remember to laugh! 

Latinos love Loro...

SEÑOR LORO 

And yes, we're taking over!

LOSTITERES CAST 

Los Titeres are funny,

Los Titeres are Gay, They'll ask you for some money, 

And then they'll run away. So turn on the Salsa Cause 

Life's a Fiesta Forget all the drama, 

Get ready for some gags! 

Los Titeres are wacky Los Titeres are queer, 

They never dress in khaki, 

They're singing's kinda tacky, 

They're smoking up Tobac-ee, 

They're lacin' it with Crack-yy! 

Thank Goodness, They're Heeeeeeeeere!

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - DAY

SEÑOR LORO 

Well it's a puppet series returning

to that old tried and true form called: Vaudeville.

NEWS REPORTER 

Common knowledge is that vaudeville

is dead, sir.

SEÑOR LORO 

Call me Señor. Our show is not

dead. It's infested with a whole live cast 

of Latino and cross racial puppets. Mostly Latino. 

Or Latino friendly.

NEWS REPORTER 

You call that stuff entertainment?

People are looking for wholesome puppets 

who love a Christian God. What you do, 

that's a... whole... lotta -- (sighs) sick... somethin'.

SEÑOR LORO 

That something is mostly singing.

We sing. We're warblers with poignant skits.

NEWS REPORTER 

(smiles, then intimate)

Now, you're the president of this rag-tag bunch.

SEÑOR LORO 

I'm the Mexican Mickey Mouse, the

Cuban Kermit -- yes, I'm the president.

NEWS REPORTER 

But things weren't always so

colorful. Not in the beginning, no.

"FILE FOOTAGE" - IMAGES SEÑOR LORO HATCHES OUT OF A SMALL SHELL.

NEWS REPORTER (V.O.) 

Señor Loro was hatched in 1956 next

to a mojito. 

WIDEN TO REVEAL MOJITO...

NEWS REPORTER (V.O., CONT'D) 

He was but a young chick during the

Cuban revolution --

IMAGE OF SEÑOR LORO WITH LONG HAIR AND A HIPPY HEADBAND HOLDING JAIL BARS.

NEWS REPORTER (V.O., CONT'D) 

-- and grew to be incarcerated as a

political prisoner in Cuba. And later, 

scouted by Castro himself, he became, 

Fidel Castro's personal pet parrot.

BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE: SEÑOR LORO IN CAGE WITH CASTRO FEEDING HIM CRACKERS, INDEX FINGER EXTENDED, ASKING HIM TO REPEAT. IN THE BACKGROUND, A TV PLAYING A GAME SHOW.

THEN, LIVE TO:

SEÑOR LORO (crying)

My early years felt like I was in a 

brain washing camp. It was all just repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Communism, Marxism, Naziism -- Intellectual Embolism. 

How can you be well educated in a country that blocks 

out the holy trinity: Facebook, Twitter and Google?

NEWS REPORTER 

(holding the picture)

What are you saying in this picture? 

Begging for the internet?

SEÑOR LORO 

No, I'm asking him --

NEWS REPORTER 

Asking him --

SEÑOR LORO 

How many missiles does it take to

create a crisis?

NEWS REPORTER 

You were also court jester.

SEÑOR LORO 

Sadly, so. Sadly, so. Irony was my

lady-friend then. So it wasn't funny comedy, 

it was comedy you had to think about.

NEWS REPORTER 

Till you decided to escape.

SEÑOR LORO 

(sings)

Me voy. Ya me voy. Pero un dia volvere... 

That's an old Puerto Rican song about leaving, 

and one day returning. But I never looked back, 

so its not like the song in that sense.

NEWS REPORTER 

You took flight one day when you

were let out of your cage?

SEÑOR LORO 

That's the word on the street, but

it was much more complicated. I 

escaped in a frail little boat made out of 

plastic bleach bottles, cobbled together 

with my feces as a gluing agent.

IMAGE: LORO IN BOAT LEAVING CUBA, WAVING GOOD-BYE.

NEWS REPORTER 

Held together by your own dung, 

a ship made of plastic and shit? So

you pedaled here?

SEÑOR LORO 

Actually, I was picked up by

another boat filled with Cuban boat 

people about a mile off shore.

IMAGE: LORO RESCUED BY IMMIGRANTS.

NEWS REPORTER 

Why didn't you just fly to Florida?

SEÑOR LORO 

Frankly, sir, I find that

stereotypical. Actually, I craved the 

authentic immigration experience.

NEWS REPORTER 

Because some of them knew you'd

been involved with the Castro regime --

SEÑOR LORO 

I didn't want to risk getting

shanked, okay? But I needed the sense of 

family, so I stayed and talked a lot.

NEWS REPORTER 

Until the boat sank.

SEÑOR LORO 

Then I opted to fly.

IMAGE: BOAT SINKING. LORO LAUNCHING TO THE SKY, WINGS SPREAD. PEOPLE CLINGING TO LIFE PRESERVERS.

NEWS REPORTER 

Fifty people died.

SEÑOR LORO 

It was sad to see them go. Especially Nancy Gonzalez Romero Fumero de Los Valles, she gave me her recipe for flan.

IMAGE: LORO HOLD UP A SPOONFUL OF FLAN.

NEWS REPORTER 

What did it feel like landing on

American soil, home of the free, 

and land of the brave?

IMAGE: LORO ON SOUTH BEACH.

SEÑOR LORO 

The sand was equally as hot, but in

Cuba it's quieter, because the windows 

in the shops are bare.

NEWS REPORTER 

Well, you landed on trendy South

Beach.

EXT. SOUTH BEACH - DAY

"OLD TIMEY" FOOTAGE FOLLOWING SEÑOR LORO AROUND SOUTH BEACH AND TO HIS PALM TREE.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

SEÑOR LORO 

Yes. I shopped around and finally

built a nest in a palm tree. 

OCEAN DRIVE, very low rent, puppet friendly. 

Horrible crime, though. 

I have nightly pigeon break-ins.

NEWS REPORTER 

Not everyone was happy about the

new bird in town.

SEÑOR LORO 

Old Jews threw rocks at me, because

occasionally, I'd shit on their BMWs.

NEWS REPORTER 

But you stayed in spite of this

species abuse.

SEÑOR LORO 

You know, not everyone's into

puppets -- and bird puppets, even less. 

I get it, we descend from the dinosaurs. 

I'm surprised they let Big Bird rent on 

Sesame Street, and didn't throw rocks at 

him, 'cause what's he? An Ostrich?

NEWS REPORTER 

Well that rock was the mitzfah that

gave you "The Idea"... THE IDEA.

EXT. OCEAN DRIVE - PALM TREE TOP - THE PAST A ROCK FROM BELOW HITS HIM IN THE HEAD!

SEñOR LORO (V.O.) 

Until the day that rock popped me

on the cabeza, you're right!

Señor Loro falls from the trees, but gets up and shakes it off.

SEñOR LORO (V.O., CONT'D) 

I guess in an indirect way, I have the old 

Jewish couple of Anita and

Saul to thank, really.

ANITA and SAUL, an old Jewish couple walks away. He tosses a rock up and down in his hand, shakes his finger 'no' and points to his BMW, parked on the side of the road.

A parade of MODELS and TOURISTS walk past Señor Loro. He admires the ART DECO HOTELS as he walks past!

PING! His index finger juts UP! He gets *THE IDEA*!

SEÑOR LORO 

This is so beautiful, there should

be an internet show about this.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - DAY

NEWS REPORTER 

You would create your own show!

SEÑOR LORO 

Yes, with Latino and multi-racial

characters, based out of Miami and 

Hollywood, but with reports from around the universe.

NEWS REPORTER 

How did you find CONCHITA?

SEÑOR LORO 

I used to watch her perform back in

Cuban night clubs. She... was... astonishing.

INT. "NIGHTCLUB" - NIGHT STANDING BEFORE a RED CURTAIN, in a spotlight:

CONCHITA 

(sings)

Te amo. Mi amorrr. Te amo. Que dolorrrr... 

Yo te queria tanto. Mi Señor. Pero ahora ya lo se. 

No me quieres. Mi amor. Estas con otra mujerrrrr!

PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT SHE'S ACTUALLY IN A BATHROOM standing in front of a shower curtain, wearing a MAID's UNIFORM. 

HOTEL GUEST, opens the door to bathroom.

HOTEL GUEST 

Aren't you supposed to be cleaning

the bathroom?

CONCHITA puts on her maid's hat and grabs the scrubbing sponge.

The HOTEL GUEST huffs away, indignant.

CONCHITA scrubs, but we PUSH PAST HER, through the BATHROOM WINDOW, to reveal binoculars on LORO's cross-eyed face -- watching, Peeping Tom-like through the window.

HOTEL GUEST peeps through the door again.

HOTEL GUEST

I'm sorry, but could you hurry up?

I have to pee.

He sees SEÑOR LORO spying with binoculars and shuts the window.

EXT. HOTEL ALLEYWAY - DAY

Señor Loro makes LOUD PARROT NOISES at the guest for ruining the show.

PULL BACK to reveal RONALDO, on the grass, holding a bottle of WHISKY, looking homeless.

RONALDO (to the bird)

Wanna drink?

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - DAY

NEWS REPORTER 

What about Ronaldo?

SEÑOR LORO 

Well, if you go back to the picture

that you showed before with me and Castro...

IMAGE: SEÑOR LORO WITH CASTRO - KEN BURNS EFFECT - we get CLOSE ON THE TV.

SEÑOR LORO (V.O., CONT'D) 

You'll notice that Ronaldo is

actually in the background. On the television screen!

INT. CUBA STUDIOS - BLACK AND WHITE In front of a slip-shod set, Ronaldo speaks into one of those long 1960's mikes.

Terrified PUPPET PRISONERS stand behind him.

RONALDO 

As a very special sort of torture,

we are broadcasting today exclusively in ENGLISH! 

And welcome to your favorite gameshow: 

SHOOT YOUR POLITICAL PRISONER! 

Here's our first contestant.

PRISONER 1 

My name is Jose, and I only said

that I didn't like beards.

RONALDO 

Jose, you sound like a winner.

Don't worry, your family will 

win tons of prizes if they shoot 

you in the head successfully. 

Tell him what we have for him, Don Esteban!

DON ESTEBAN (V.O.) 

We have ten rolls of TOILET PAPER!

IMAGE: TOILET PAPER.

RONALDO 

Wow! Worth dying for.

DON ESTEBAN 

Who's gonna kill him?

RONALDO 

All the way from Bayamon, here is

JOSE's mother, MARIA!

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - DAY

SEÑOR LORO 

Yeah, Ronaldo's entire family was

shot on the show for Fidel's amusement, 

but thankfully, they were restored by puppet 

builders in Havana.

However, they were like special needs 

versions of themselves after that. 

And so we met up again much later... 

in South Beach...

*************

STAY TUNED!

Till Then ~ Hasta La Pasta!

Parrot Puppet Producer,
Señor Loro
LosTiteres.TV Studios, 
Hollywood, California

"LosTiteres.TV The Movie", Copyright © 2014 by Felix Pire