tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78972149155791084582024-03-21T22:07:28.709-07:00LosTiteres.TVWelcome to Señor Loro's Backstage Blog! It contains dish about what happens behind the scenes at my late night talk show and variety show where everyone's partially plastic!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-5602709031114051982016-12-08T14:04:00.001-08:002016-12-08T14:04:23.932-08:00Our Sesame Estree Audition<div style="text-align: center;"><iframe src="//www.youtube.com/embed/R6b2F-m_xJE?rel=0" width="550" height="300" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></div>
<h2>Happy New Year and welcome to our latest failed attempt at stardom. Look, I don't want to say we're poor, but we haven't eaten in seven years. It's a good thing we're puppets and don't have to.</h2>
Yet, in order to place some dough in our coffers, we worked as Santa's Little Helpers this year, which was a delight.
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<div>I almost got an eyeball plucked out of my head by a toddler, but no matter, if all goes well, I hope to go in for eye surgery this year. I have developed a desperate need to blink.</div>
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What makes it worse is that they tell me dreaming is free!
As it turns out, I spotted somewhere that the classic children's series <i>Sesame Estree</i>, as it is called by Latinos, was holding auditions. Probably Mario Mariposa sent me the link, because he's a social butterfly, who delights in spamming everyone with his e-mail.
Good news is we managed to get Conchita out of getting more surgery (she was thinking of going in for an overhaul), and pulled her into the studio for a quick interview/audition.
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There are even titeres in the new audition video from a new <i>Steampunk</i> series we're developing called <b>AssClown and Titmouse.</b>
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<div style="text-align: left;">Whaaaaat-ever.... It's raw... Let's see your series...? I'm sorry, I'm edgy... I don't know if you know any birds, but that's how we roll... We're neurotic balls of feather.</div>
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<h3>Chirping about Birds, we got pissed off at Duck Dynasty for talking smack about <i>grey people</i> and had to have our say about it.</h3>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Look, we're all adults here. Take that as you will. Certain people on Twitter wrote to us saying, we're stupid, because what duck means in Spanish doesn't matter. I don't think it's that it matters, as much as it is <i>ironic</i>.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In a couple of years, no one will care about heterosexist comments and such, because we'll all be happier. I'll tell you why: Because there's great excitement <i>en el aire</i> about the fact that Netflix is like the new television. We want to put our show on there to stream to the Universe. Or maybe Hulu, YouTube, Booboo, YooHoo or any one if those baby noise named websites.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Oye, if we didn't dream BIG, we wouldn't be in this business of making YouTube videos.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But our collective Titere dream is to have our own comedy-variety show on TV, and now it seems more possible than ever.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Mostly, because you don't have to have a network approve a damn thing. Amazon will stream any freakin' thing.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">First, it's all about budget to produce the initial 22 episodes. I know I've been talking about doing this Crowdfunding thing, and I'm gonna do it. Sure -- I mean, how much can we lose?</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Everything. Some people have told us that if our Kickstarter campaign fails, it will stay on there forever as a sad reminder of how your project ate it, because you didn't make your goal.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I say, we're down so low on the totem pole, we can only win by losing. Having a website hold onto information about us is our great honor.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">We need someone to document our failures online, simply because there will be plenty of people who will be glad to document our success.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Sesame Estree was a dream of ours too, we thought. I mean, I'm a parrot, all I know how to do is repeat...</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So the more I thought about it, the more I realized how to take what appeared to be this loss.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Mira ~ I took everyone into our small conference room, with all our show-running three by five cards on the walls and our promo poster and all the good stuff. I had them all sit down and quiet down.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">There was an air of sadness in the room.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"I can't help but wonder if they're not ready for leechy Latino characters on the show... Is it what I said about Oscar? I thought that was statement of fact! ..." yelled out Ronaldo, as Conchita clutched his arm.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Ay, please, don't worry about this everyone! I've been rejected more than a million times, and that's just by my own organs," shrilled Conchita.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Okay, quiet down. <i>Silencio!</i>" I said.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">When everyone seemed to look at me angrily for yelling, I took the moment to say this:</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Now, yo se ~ que you all had a dream of living on Sesame Estree." There were rumblings.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Yo se que Alfonso, you were looking forward to burrowing in the walls, and Naked Bob, you were thinking of shacking up with Oscar. Mary Juana however, would have to be ousted from the group if we moved there!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The room sucked up air, and from the distance, Mary Juana uttered a Valley-accented": "Oh, naauuughhhh..."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Did anyone ever think about that? We're edgy and unconventional! ... We're not monsters and fairies, we're drugs and dragons!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The Cat chimed up: "Oh, Dear, I fear you mean we're Dungeons & Dragons."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"No! That's another franchise! We're LosTiteres! We're the Latino gang of puppets that talks about stuff in Late Nite TV, we're not for the kiddies. That's just not our format, you see? ... So there's no need to feel sad. We cleaned it up for these guys! ... We didn't even cast Mary Juana in the audition video!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Mary Juana goes: "Oh, naauuughhhh..."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"And I mean no disrespect to our newly legalized Cannabis plant, but you get my meaning! ... Conchita, you couldn't talk about your affairs, or your plastic surgeries on a kid show."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Oh, really?' she back-talked, "They would be in for a big surprise."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"And that's exactly what they don't want, but what I do want! Because this is the age of the Internet! Of offending people to get their attention! Of standing in a room full of people who would much rather ignore each other by watching Us on their cellphones than talking amongst each other... <i>Mis amigos,</i> these are the Best of Times for our endeavor!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"I hope I don't get deported," said Mario out of nowhere. Everyone stared and rumbled.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"So, I want you to get out there and keep on making those Lame Latino Videos, and one day, people will watch, and we'll make our own Viral Video, so viral that people will have to get inoculated!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Schmedley raised his hand: "What's inoculated? ... Does that have to do with the Spanish for ass, 'culo'?"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"No, Schmedley, never mind... The point is, we've got a meeting with our producer, Felix Pire in about five minutes about getting more money for the budget."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Conchita snapped: "I hope you're not going to spend it on making your eyes blink when the rest of us look like shit!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"I'm getting everyone a meeting with the Puppet Doctor, <a href="http://russwalko.com/" target="_blank">Russ Walko</a>!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Everyone CHEERED! ...</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"That's it ~ meeting over, no more sulking over Sesame Estree! We've got bigger fish to fry."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Said the fish: "Hey, wait a minute!"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Just kidding, Harold," I said weakly, and closed the door to the conference room. A few feathers fell off me as I shivered at the thought of having to deal with everyone. I opened up a drawer where I hide a flask of whiskey, when the phone rang.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'd like to tell you it was Justin Beiber offering up to guest star on our show, or Jason Gordon Levitt saying he wants to direct the movie version of our show, but it was our producer calling me to write this blog <i>mierdero</i>.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I have been typing on an iPad with my wings for a week, it's impossible.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So I told him he should get me voice dictation software, and he laughed in my face. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Well, directly in my face! -- Over Skype. </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">My eyes are plastered open, so the smack of the full weight of his sarcasm really stung.</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I wish I'd recorded it so you could see how smug he was. Producers are so full of themselves, you'd think they were curing disease. Which if you count laughter as medicine, I suppose that counts.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Felix, I said, I'm working my tail feathers off trying to produce an audition for Sesame Estree, and now you want me to write a blog? A Blog?"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Yes, Your Blog," He responded.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"My Blog?"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"That's right. And by the way, the show is not called 'Estree', it's Street! Like "calle" en Español! That's probably why the real show passed on you guys, and why I'm stuck in this eternal attempt to get you on Netflix. I got you on YouTube. Trust me."</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I said: "Trust you? That's how producers say 'F-U' in Hollywood... You know what? <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">One of these days, I'm going to get tired of this crap and I'm going to end this show and move outta here. And disband everybody."</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And what a sarcastic a-hole... You know what he said to me?</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Maybe you should move to Sesame Estree?"</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The door to the conference room opened and who walks in holding his cellphone in front of his face? So vain... Felix, the executive producer (and as far as I'm concerned) 'head of the network' himself.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I hang up the Skype call on the Commodore 64, connected to which is the old style rotary phone handle I'm holding, and just stare at him -- because I have no option.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">If I had an option, a good eye roll would come in handy right about now.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">These are the times that having no expression comes in handy, though, and moreover, is the preferable choice.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I just looked at him, frozen, like a member of that closet full of toys with E.T. ... People hate that...</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In the end, he placated me.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm a Titere, so I fell for it, and everything's back to normal.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And yet living the life if an artist, I ask myself: <i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Normal?... Que es?</i></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">One day internet auditionees, tomorrow stars of Internet TV!</i></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">May the Parrot of Happiness Foretell Good Fortune for You.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Tu Amigo,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>Señor Loro</b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>Cotorro Productor de</b> <a href="http://LosTiteres.TV/" target="_blank">LosTiteres.TV </a></div>
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</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-58757399616494148002016-12-08T14:03:00.002-08:002016-12-08T14:03:23.159-08:00"This is What I Do" and The "Shit We Say"... to your MEMES<center><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/z_RjnaHxfpM" width="440" height="320" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></center>
Following popular online memes, we have created several of our own versions...
Take for instance, the I AM A... meme... Here's one for "I AM A DIRECTOR":
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaU-ZPdhbUuxtRAVCpSnuTc4R1EsrZYu9EgcGbczZAFZwAbnDZ8uDQcX2-wp5tSiV1EZUE39LGwo47h2_jP6kDB3_pmI6kdXlUSiT-HeUYHKPwzxhd_IuxoCFBAP2x6J0MI-1Bp617CrQs/s1600/Director+Meme.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaU-ZPdhbUuxtRAVCpSnuTc4R1EsrZYu9EgcGbczZAFZwAbnDZ8uDQcX2-wp5tSiV1EZUE39LGwo47h2_jP6kDB3_pmI6kdXlUSiT-HeUYHKPwzxhd_IuxoCFBAP2x6J0MI-1Bp617CrQs/s400/Director+Meme.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="277" border="0" /></a></div>
Here's "I AM AN ACTOR":
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ9KGXNGl2t05vbzyE-qwp5OIfPJ6Gz1E0nebeGv52Z11YQtYSIgOf_tWWh2XX2Z7Hz_05BX6PJUaZvsYl6mM46f3sfCWORiSUsBXhwBHbgO81Z0qdn-xXJ3tbDcCEZXaY9pTGFQnAmPOd/s1600/I+Am+An+Actor.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ9KGXNGl2t05vbzyE-qwp5OIfPJ6Gz1E0nebeGv52Z11YQtYSIgOf_tWWh2XX2Z7Hz_05BX6PJUaZvsYl6mM46f3sfCWORiSUsBXhwBHbgO81Z0qdn-xXJ3tbDcCEZXaY9pTGFQnAmPOd/s400/I+Am+An+Actor.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="273" border="0" /></a></div>
Here's our response:
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZiojgKP2hnIPB__-fjmgMfZ-49z8hHRq1gcoBioMnirDCatYeo2AvHoGum8Y2dqLJc9ien82WgBZ4BwEgqWDmtUG6fGrexulsRDIcFnZCDdrjNNtgkuIHN-62B1lngooEQ9bxI5VtIajZ/s1600/I+Am+a+PUPPET.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZiojgKP2hnIPB__-fjmgMfZ-49z8hHRq1gcoBioMnirDCatYeo2AvHoGum8Y2dqLJc9ien82WgBZ4BwEgqWDmtUG6fGrexulsRDIcFnZCDdrjNNtgkuIHN-62B1lngooEQ9bxI5VtIajZ/s400/I+Am+a+PUPPET.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="273" border="0" /></a></div>
I'm sure many of you have seen the "SHIT GIRLS SAY" videos:
<center><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/u-yLGIH7W9Y" width="440" height="320" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></center>
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">We're so topical & current, we hardly have time to be CLASSIC!</span></b>
Yours in Tweets,
Señor Loro
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">Parrot Puppet Host, LosTiteres.TV!</span></b>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-20625153706980107092016-12-08T13:59:00.001-08:002016-12-08T13:59:57.762-08:00"HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS" - The LosTiteres.TV Holiday Song<object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_OoJCKmzY24&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_OoJCKmzY24&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="420" height="300"></embed></object>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-70131900493717087312016-12-08T13:57:00.001-08:002016-12-08T13:58:47.899-08:00Latinas Orgullosas Awards<big>Complaints have surfaced about the Oscars having nominated all white actors, so we at LosTiteres.TV decided to produce our own awards ceremony! #OscarsSoWhite #Oscars</big>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-18297050422768508212016-12-08T13:56:00.000-08:002016-12-08T13:56:31.223-08:00Puppet Time Tonight<big>Ronaldo & Naked Bob team up to bring you their 1st podcast: "Puppet Time Tonight!"... Call in. No Stupid Questions! … The smart alecky puppets of LosTiteres.TV are stirring up the caca again! This time, Ronaldo hosts his first podcast con Naked Bob. Who knew he'd get in trouble with network execs for telling off a caller who questions his very existence?... Feel free to call in. Just don't ask any Stupid Questions!</big> <p></p>
<center><iframe width="420" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/RcB_QEHryW4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></center>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-15750811527853720992016-12-08T13:54:00.001-08:002016-12-08T13:55:03.970-08:00420 Time with Mary Juana<blockquote><big>Mary Juana is a hermaphrodite pot plant whose main goal in life is to get passed around & toked. Craig has some curious questions.</big></blockquote>
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<center><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/I-jaYGHh9NA" width="420" height="300" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></center>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-20184212047350306452016-12-08T13:51:00.002-08:002016-12-08T13:51:05.769-08:00Tortoise & Hare - It's Complicated<big> A turtle and a rabbit, or a tortoise & hare. Or En Español: La Tortuga y El Conejo. In any language: Relationships are complicated.<big>
<center><iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/L2Wzy9z8kM8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></center>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-16062655542874547732016-12-08T13:49:00.002-08:002016-12-08T13:50:05.211-08:00Happy Hálloween 2015 con Conchita & Pumpkin#HappyHalloween & #DayofTheDead from Conchita La Bruja & la Calabaza who hails from Calabasas, California. Learn awkward Halloween Safety Tips! Watcher Beware! ~ Foggy Satire Ahead! ~ Scream as Conchita horribly garbles Shakespeare. Choke as she scares the crap outta you with her many spine tingling immigrant Latina job stories! ~ Click only if you Dare! MuuuaaaahahHaHaHaaa! (cough)
<center><iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/h7T3nCUfsDw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></center>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-2671069541743465822016-05-04T16:53:00.005-07:002016-05-04T16:55:04.646-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Fashion Do’s & Don’ts, Secret Vault of Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars vs. Star Trek<center>
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Who did it better? … Isn’t that always the question with people? Who is better? Who wore it better? Who made it better? Who is The Best. That’s what people are interested in, and that’s what I’m gonna serve up. The Best of the Star Wars universe.<br />
<br />
That’s why I’ll be tapping on Jedi Fashion in this week’s webisode, and calling out the folks that wear it well. You’re in for a harsh awakening when I tell you that I haven’t seen a vest worn so well as Han Solo does. And it seems to be a utility vest – like he carries contraband in the pockets!<br />
<br />
If you’re going to talk about fashion, and design, you must mention the one star that gets mentioned in the same breath as Star Wars, and that is Star Trek. There’s always a Who’s Better Battle between these two Stars, and in this webisode, I settle the argument.<br />
<br />
As you may know, the outfits worn there are usually pseudo-military outfits. You know that if yours is red, for example, there’s a big chance you’ll get killed, and soon.
There are differences between these two, which are significant, and in this webisode I break down what a major one is – the act of beeming places versus sending a hologram version of yourself inside a robot to the person you want to reach.<br />
<br />
The range of technologies and what they are able to accomplish is not the same in each world, and so I’ll make some conclusions that you have to see to believe, so make sure you watch it on YouTube multiple times for deep penetration.
Finally, my Fashion advice regarding clothing is to wear a cape at all times, or whenever you can get away with it. Darth Vader does it, Superman & Batman do it, Thor wears one, Harry Potter has one of invisibility, so why shouldn’t you wear one?<br />
<br />
Now, this doesn’t mean it will be in public.
I support you only wearing it in your room while you’re home alone watching Star Wars. In that case, also accessorize with a Jedi lightsaber, even if you have to grab a broom handle and swing that around.<br />
<br />
I submit to you that it will enhance your viewing experience. Unless you smash your favorite lamp or hit the TV, so be careful with The Force.
Always be prepared for the unexpected, I say. So in today’s webisode I’ll also peek inside the Vault of “Jabba The Hutt”… Join Me!<br />
<br />
Using The Force,<br />
Mortimer Weasel
Reporter,<br />
Apprentice Jedi, & Flim-Flam Artist
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-53668567972833850722016-05-04T16:53:00.002-07:002016-05-04T16:55:49.115-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Top 5 Strangest Star Wars Creatures, Jedi Training Camp<center>
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Dear Space Tadpoles,<br />
<br />
I don’t want the whole #Twitterverse to come at me, ‘cause I made fun of the strangest five creatures in #StarWars. Honestly, I’m not known to be an insult comedian. More of a truth-teller. It’s important that satirists like myself be society’s padding against hypocrisy, because some are up in arms because I’m telling it like it is with Jedis.<br />
<br />
Am I going off on a moral rant about how much I should be allowed to make fun of other people? Yes, and I’m arguing that: a lot. Don’t worry about them, they’re so loaded from the franchise’s revenue, that I’m sure Chewbacca can afford a therapist.
Who cares about therapy when You could be the one controlling minds…?<br />
<br />
And that’s why I started a Jedi Training Camp. I’m going to combine all of the alertness training of a weasel with the Jedi prep taken directed from Yoda…
Well, a drunk Yoda, when he thought he was actually performing in a sitcom. Don’t ask me how he knows what they’re like.<br />
<br />
But he transformed a large part of the forest into a broadcast studio, making the plants turn into seats and cleverly using the bog as itself.
You know those always make great sitcoms. The one in which the place itself is the star: the bar in Cheers, the 30 Rock building in 30 Rock, and here, The Bog in The Yoda Show.<br />
<br />
He pretended that he had a sitcom where he would teach a schmaltzy version of The Force. Kind of like a Jedi version of Dr. Phil, where he gave me crappy advice and assumed I had a lot more strength of character than I really have…<br />
<br />
But I did pick up a few things and I thought to myself, why not put them out in webisode form. I know LosTiteres.TV is always starving for fresh material that bites other material just enough to call it comedy.
I don’t know what to call these webisodes, except dear to my heart. In fact, so dear that I have sent them to George Lucas himself in the hopes that he can bless them.<br />
<br />
Can you imagine if Lucas himself saw these little fantasy shorts of mine? … Oh, how he would most assuredly scoff, and then turn and jump into a big pile of his money!
I know that’s what I do after watching Every One.<br />
<br />
R-2 My D-2,<br />
Mortimer Weasel<br />
Jedi Wit Warrior
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-21796243967675722182016-05-04T16:52:00.002-07:002016-05-04T16:56:24.414-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Using the Force, Star Wars Clickbait & Jedi Foods<center>
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Dear Young Jedi,<br />
<br />
Today the session I have with you is about appropriate use of The Force. It’s not particularly good to go around and willy-nilly, decide to use it on people in “lift & choke” fashion, as in the style of a certain dark user of the force, who shall remain nameless. Ok, Darth Vader…<br />
<br />
No, look, it’s not about use of power, but all about the restraint. Holding it in when you want to strike out and to try and find a way to have a Disney ending to the villain in your life. It’s the thing where you get into an epic fight, but in the end, the villain is his own undoing – whether he falls into an open volcano, or into the jaws of an alligator, he does because he messed up, not because our hero did anything to them.<br />
<br />
Mostly you should use the mental force of keeping your mind filled with: Recipes. I know you think that’s weird. Well, so is this mystical energy that we call Force. In order to keep that energy sustainable, we have to eat. And by eating I mean, the best Jedi foods that you can find.<br />
<br />
In today’s webisode I talk about Jedi foods and unpack the idea that what you eat must be healthy, but also – if it happens to be in the shape of, or outright ‘look’ like a Star Wars character, it’s probably tasting and nutritious. You won’t believe what’s possible when you make Wookie Cookies.<br />
<br />
Lastly, I know that People Magazine is where you go when you want the latest celebrity relationship and breakup news, but when you want the latest Star Wars dish, you know you have to watch my segment: Star Wars Clickbait. Sure it’s a bunch of carefully packaged lies merely created for your amusement, but then again, can’t we say the same thing about People Magazine?!<br />
<br />
…
And sometimes they even assume that we’re Blind. For example, this year, People's 2016 World's Most Beautiful Woman is Jennifer Anniston… I am only left to ask: Did you really sort through everyone? Do the good folks at People need bifocals? Not even the Jedi Force can help correct that assessment. Clearly the most beautiful female in the world is General Leia.<br />
<br />
Live from My Underground Burrow,<br />
Mortimer Weasel<br />
Jedi Master & Master Chef
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-64642733009045132432016-05-04T16:51:00.005-07:002016-05-04T16:56:54.458-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Jedi Colognes, Star Wars Clickbait & Secret Notes of Yoda<center>
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Fantastic Jedi Apprentice,
How do you smell? And I’m not asking about whether you do it with your nose… I’m asking whether you smell good, or bad? …<br />
<br />
You should know. You have to live with yourself.
Well, you’ll be surprised to find that if you are unhappy with what you smell like, there are a panoply of new Star Wars themed fragrances that you could grab. Mortimer Weasel breaks down the latest scents. Perhaps you can decide you want to smell like meteors. It may be possible.<br />
<br />
Plus, you’re not going to believe the dirt that this weasel has dug up! The latest info about all the space faring celebrities you love is reported in the most distorted way possible in Mortimer’s most popular segment, Star Wars Clickbait, where the latest news is made up and then fluffed up with a batch of fresh lies and hearsay.<br />
<br />
And no, that’s not all, brace yourself for the wise words of Yoda, as we uncover the secrets he left lying around his bog. If you look carefully at the video, you’ll see that the paper Mortimer reads from is literally taped to his hand.<br />
<br />
This is because the words contained on it are so powerful and magical, that the whole crew was concerned it would fly away, unless we strapped it down. And then it would be a film about Mortimer chasing a post-it note, and that wouldn’t be pretty.<br />
<br />
So strap in and enjoy three minutes of a download straight into your brain concerning the amazing knowledge necessary for you to reach Jedi Awesomeness.<br />
<br />
Soaring in A Meditative Pose,<br />
Mortimer Weasel<br />
Member of the Jedi Council E-mail ListAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-26378339884174048692016-05-04T16:51:00.002-07:002016-05-04T16:57:27.357-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Twitter Folklore, Jedis: They’re Just Like Us & Star Wars Spaceships Mechanics 101<center>
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Smart Jedi-In-Training,<br />
<br />
This is Mortimer Weasel here, ready to convince you that if you watch Jedi Jabberwocky, you will build the knowledge you need to use The Force. To begin with you need to read Twitter. How else are you going to find out when the latest Star Wars movie or action figure has been released?<br />
<br />
You won’t believe the lengths to which I go to find out how to break it down for you in every episode. In this one, I do go back into the vault of old Twitter messages left by brilliant Jedi of the past. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, it’ll become a part of you…<br />
<br />
Then, I went undercover in a grocery store, a mattress store and a personal pool to take pictures of Jedi in every day situations. I passed on showing a few pics I took, because they were just too hard on the subject. I don’t want to get sued, so I refrained from posting my picture of Kylo Ren watching Netflix and eating pizza on his couch, C3PO regenerating, and a baby Ewok playing with a wayward Stormtrooper.<br />
<br />
Amazing how things are not the way you sometimes think they are in this world. Right when you think spaceships contain the most difficult, intricate insides, I will show you how they are powered. Some people think; nuclear, others think – no, it’s the future, everything runs on solar! …<br />
<br />
But hold on to your lightsabers, because I’m going to explain it all for you!<br />
<br />
Yours in the Space Struggle,<br />
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi<br />
Warrior of Underground Tunnels
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-71017864583565651622016-05-04T16:50:00.002-07:002016-05-04T16:58:11.760-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Light vs. Dark Side, Star Wars Clickbait & Action Figures<center>
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Powerful Apprentice Jedi,<br />
<br />
I address myself to you as apprentice Jedi, because I realize you are all in training to use The Force. It is something that is the glimmer of what is creative and strong in all of us. Today I have decided that I will reveal myself. I will “out” myself in terms of light and dark.<br />
<br />
Surprise, surprise. I am on the light side. Today I will analyze why. And take a very recessive stock of what is important to me to be on which side. Part of the reason why I think I maybe on the Darkside is a segment that I’m doing this time called Star Wars Click Bait, which is simply a way to get people to watch my show.<br />
<br />
This new segment is so rich with trash from space, you’ll wonder if something will hit you in the face like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. It’s just a bunch of outright salacious lies I made up.<br />
<br />
Kind of like what most politicians say about each other, except about space people and creatures.
You will be agog when you see what’s in this webisode, I’m sure.<br />
<br />
Burrowing Deep Into Dark Matter,<br />
Mortimer Weasel<br />
Jedi in TrainingAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-42291766643741935832016-05-04T16:45:00.001-07:002016-05-04T16:58:21.300-07:00Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Cut Your Monthly Bills in Half Using Jedi Mind Tricks<center>
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<br />
My Dear Friends & Weasels,<br />
<br />
This week, I endeavored to try and decide what side of the force to be on Good side? Bad side? … Ugh, so tiring. But I did choose, and you’ll never believe it, I’m a good guy. Of course, let me confess, that’s coupled with my weasely ways, so don’t be too sure. One day, I may join the dark side, if only to experiment with being dastardly.<br />
<br />
I called up the intergalactic phone company in this one, and I’m astounded to have to be the one to take notice, but Latinos are everywhere. This one had an accent thicker than Jabba the Hutt’s neck. She did bamboozle me, but that is because I have only but begun using The Force…<br />
<br />
Pretty soon, I aspire to being able to use it to take eggs out from under chickens at night when they’re sitting in their coops! I will use it to burrow underground, by using my light saber to dig, thereby saving my sensitive paws! … And these personal motivations are what make me think there’s dark side in me. I’m arrogant, I don’t want to help others with the force. I have only intentions of helping myself.<br />
<br />
And to that point, if I don’t get a freakin’ Award for this series then Quality is just something I don’t know. I have done investigating out the ying-yang for this. I’m so Jedied Out, I’ve decided to go commando.<br />
<br />
Until we meet again, may La Fuerza be with you.<br />
<br />
Yours in a Bog,<br />
Mortimer Weasel<br />
Apprentice JediAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-66447382031486743542016-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:002016-05-04T17:00:31.715-07:00Jedi JabberWocky ~ 7 Webisodes Unpacking Star Wars, Being a Jedi, & The Force<br />
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<br />
Here, <i>consolidated into one blog page</i> are seven of the most probing Star Wars meditations ever put on YouTube.
You haven't been primed on <b>The Force</b>, until you've seen Mortimer Weasel's new show, "<b>Jedi Jabberwocky</b>"! Seven webisodes dropped <i>at once</i> ~ which Quentin Tarantino refers to as the "Audacious 7". Why?<br />
<br />
Because <a href="http://lostiteres.tv/">LosTiteres.TV</a> reporter, Mortimer Weasel drops more inside scoop and talks more smack about the Star Wars Universe than Kathy Griffin at a gay pride concert.
Incredulous, you will be, when you walk away from these seven works of genius speaking in perfect Yoda grammar.<br />
<br />
Your body will be weak from attempting to dance when you try to match the new technique Mortimer introduces in his Jedi Training Camp!
Alien, please ~ if you're foaming at the mouth like an Ewok in heat for such dishy information that the National Enquirer would blush to print, then you have to absorb all of the outing, smearing and outright slander in Mortimer's revealing segment: <b>Star Wars Clickbait</b>!<br />
<br />
Go ahead and walk through the wonderousness of pro-sumer special effects, into the magical world of Star Wars, as satirized by a sneaky little weasel, who harbors secret allegiances to <b>Star Trek</b>.<br />
<br />
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Most people want powers of mental persuasion. Could you imagine if you could make people just Shut ... Up!? ... Or maybe make someone give you a ride to the airport, or pay for your meal at a restaurant? Well, these ideas are nonsense compared to the brilliance of Mortimer's attempt, which is to lower his monthly mental phone bills. </div>
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It doesn't matter if you're big or small, we all play with toys. They can range from full on cars, to dolls or monster trucks. But what do all Star Wars geeks love? You know it: Action Figures. It's the subversive name advertising agencies gave to dolls for boys, so they wouldn't feel bad about playing with them. Mortimer has a ton of figures and he intends on hoarding more. Plus, would you believe he's having a hard time deciding which side of the Force to use?<br />
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<b>Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Light vs. Dark Side, Star Wars Clickbait & Action Figures</b></div>
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Sometimes you have to look at inventions in perspective. At one point <span style="text-decoration: underline;">airplanes</span> were new, and people would dress up to fly in them like they were at a fancy event. These days, everyone will ride a spaceship in ripped up jeans or a regular white shirt and leather vest.<br />
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Dressing up has just gone to the dogs.
Things change. So, whether you want to believe it or not, one day, even your favorite websites will be things of the past. Here, Mortimer examined what people will think of Twitter in the future.<br />
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<b>Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Twitter Folklore, Jedis: They’re Just Like Us &</b></div>
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<b>Star Wars Spaceships Mechanics 101</b></div>
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You know that if you had a book of Yoda's notes in your hand, you would devour it. Mortimer, did not find that book, but he did find scrawled pieces of paper in Yoda's trash that are quite clever. While digging in the trash, the thought occurred to Mortimer that how Jedi's smell is important when he came across a box of Yoda's favorite scent: Justin Bieber's fragrance for men, The Key.<br />
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It actually comes with a small key, which Yoda then re-purposed by enchanting it with some magic that only allows him to open the outhouse that he has behind his hovel in the bog. It's tough livin'. No running water.<br />
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He eats weird crap he finds swimming in the bog -- lifts it right outta the water using The Force, and plops it into a boiling stew he lights by a fire right next to the bog. How he eats those creatures, Mortimer will never know, but all the while, Yoda smells like Justin Bieber.<br />
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<b>Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Jedi Colognes, Star Wars Clickbait & The Secret Notes of Yoda</b></div>
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Are you hungry? Mortimer always is. But when can you find a decent Jedi Whole Foods around? Rarely. Let's face it, the only way you're going to figure out what to eat is to check out the Jedi Foods segment in the following webisode.
It's not that the food is so healthy, as much as it looks really colorful and eye-catchy, and that's what draws Mortimer to it.<br />
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Speaking of drawn to something. He's been drawn to The Force enough to want to create this series, but what has escaped him is the telekinesis aspect of The Force.
Everyone wonders if he can move a spaceship with his hand extended forward and the power of his wee little mind.<br />
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The short answer is no... Unless the spaceship is made by Mattel. What he can move around quite dexterously is his wagging tongue when he talks about celebrity Jedis in his segment, Star Wars Clickbait, which is not to be missed!<br />
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<b>Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Using the Force, Star Wars Clickbait & Jedi Foods</b></div>
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Jump! Shout! Kick! Turn around! Robot! Snake! Whip out your lightsaber! ... These are all the things Mortimer will yell at you at the top of his two inch little lungs when you sign up for Jedi Training Camp with him this summer!<br />
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You'll be roughing it on Yoda's home planet, which we regret to inform Millennials, has no Wifi.
There will be bathrooms located by the nearest tree. Basically, you'll be peeing on the tree. It's good for the environment, just don't get your hoo-ha or dingeling snapped off by the local snapping turtle wildlife.<br />
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It's the only alien animal on this alien planet, because Yoda brought a couple from his vacation in Miami, and they went buck-wild.
Now, the planet is teeming with them, which Yoda likes, cause he also boils them and makes them into soup. Another one of the strange things he'll eat.<br />
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Talking about strange, Mortimer will be breaking down the Top 5 strangest creatures in the Star Wars universe, and you might think it would be one of Jabba's minions or something found in a Wookie's fur? But no, the oddest creatures are much closer to home, so check under your bed ~ whatever you find there could be our next candidate.<br />
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<b>Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Top 5 Strangest Star Wars Creatures, Jedi Training Camp</b></div>
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When talking about fashion, most people envision a fancy runway in Paris or Milan. What we're talking about here is Jedi Fashion. Who invented it? What makes Ewoks dress like Tarzan? What if part of their culture was to shave?<br />
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They could be wearing full on business suits! Who told Darth Vader that black would be good?<br />
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What about mauve, or purple, long considered the colors of royalty in Africa...<br />
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Mortimer will disclose all of the latest fashion trends, and who just needs to stop and sit down. Because some of these alien outfits just need to stop. Some need to evolve further. Mortimer's been tugged back and forth between the light side and the dark side of The Force for this very reason.<br />
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He really likes the capes and the drama of the dark side more.
Conversely, he can't bear to wear a mask like Darth, or have hie face turn into an evil scowl. So, the light side keeps you prettier, but their outfits are lame and the white is fattening.<br />
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He wore one of those white outfits, and his ass was so big, you could project all the star wars movies at once, and they would even cover up all the white space.
Fashion in space is a 'thing', and nowhere is it most revealed than in the rival of all the Star Wars lore: Star Trek.<br />
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In the Star Trek world, if you wear a red uniform, chances are you are you're going to die before the two suns set on whatever spaceship or planet you are. So, if you are wearing red, take it off. Put on a yellow outfit, blue -- <i>anything but red</i>!
So folks want to compare the two Stars and ask, which is better. In the Star Wars vs. Star Trek webisode, it is all unpacked.<br />
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<b>Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Fashion Do’s & Don’ts, Secret Vault of Jabba the Hutt, </b></div>
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<b>Star Wars vs. Star Trek</b></div>
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Thank you so much for taking this wild ride with me into space. I hope that more webisodes will come soon, because let's face it, movies and stories from the Star Wars world are going to keep coming at us at light speed.<br />
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So Long,<br />
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Jedi & DJ,<br />
Mortimer Weasel<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-86145477150154112532016-01-19T16:39:00.001-08:002016-05-03T08:42:24.550-07:00420 Time with Mary Juana ~ Hit #1 ~ Craig from Colorado<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 13px;">Mary Juana is a hermaphrodite pot plant whose main goal in life is to get passed around & toked. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 13px;">Craig has some curious questions.</span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-82268821107922387232016-01-19T16:33:00.000-08:002016-01-19T16:44:46.231-08:00The Latinas Orgullosas Awards<div class="clearfix _5x46">
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Because <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/oscarssowhite?source=feed_text&story_id=10153341525222654"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl">#</span><span class="_58cm">OscarsSoWhite</span></a>, LosTiteres opted to have our own <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/awards?source=feed_text&story_id=10153341525222654"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl">#</span><span class="_58cm">Awards</span></a> for Proud <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/latinas?source=feed_text&story_id=10153341525222654"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl">#</span><span class="_58cm">Latinas</span></a>! <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/oscar?source=feed_text&story_id=10153341525222654"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl"></span></a><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-64174746467764997922014-06-01T13:11:00.000-07:002016-01-19T16:45:54.140-08:00LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 6 ~ "Reunited And It Feels So Good" (The End!)<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>GRACIAS for reading our "origins screenplay"! Here is the Final Installment!</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>**********</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">INT. LORO’S OFFICE</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO peering over his own deak -- now ALL THE PUPPETS ARE ASSEMBLED IN “PITCH MODE” AGAIN.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />-- and that’s why I think I should get to interview Charlie Sheen!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MORTIMER WEASEL<br />Can we talk about how many Peabody Awards I’ve won? Stand behind me in line, I interviewed the Easter Bunny last year, and I’m legal!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GENERAL HUBBUB.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Ah, great ideas for segments everyone! There’s something to be said about being with our familia again. Feels right.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THEY FILE OUT.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Think about it bird. (whispers) I’ll even take some heroin on camera.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Okay, Mario, I’ll think about it... FLUTTER YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO closes the door, and leans up against it, releasing a big, lonesome sigh.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Oh... I guess this is my life -- married to my work.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MUFFLED MEOWS. He double-takes and walks over to the cardboard box.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA (O.S.)<br />Meow.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He opens the box, and out jumps GATICA.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Oh, what an unexpected surprise.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />My hero!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She kisses him!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I would blush, but it would be redundant.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He hugs her.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FADE OUT.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. STAGE DOOR - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley shuffles out, and there’s a MOB of people waiting for his autograph. Among them is PRICILLA, his biggest fan. They see each other and fall in love at first sight.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MUSICAL INTERLUDE, SCHMALTZY CLOSE UPS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Where have you been all my life?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PRICILLA<br />Watching you on TV!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He hugs her, and pulls her out of the crowd.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />You gotta come by the studio sometime.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PRICILLA<br />(excited)<br />You betcha!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Everything seems to be up and running again. THE NEWS GUYS WALK PAST as the CAMERA MOVES ABOUT.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />Jimmy, I think we deserve a vacation after this much stress.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />I think we deserve a union, that’s step 2.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />If the Señor Loro hears you say that, it’s curtains for you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />I’ll bring the ACLU on ‘im, like I did last time when they discriminated against us as “little puppets”. That was step one.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They laugh sarcastically.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - ANOTHER AREA OF THE STUDIO - <br />A FEMALE REPORTER interviews BLUEBOX.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FEMALE REPORTER<br />... giving opportunity to people who are blue, like yourself.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />Yeah, blue people have been largely overlooked. Look, in my home world, we’re all politicians, so this is a step up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FEMALE REPORTER<br />You’re producing and directing different segments now?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />Yeah, but I’m totally a second class citizen in this show, but that’s a reflection of America at large.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB walks past in a bullfighter outfit, and the camera follows him. He SHRUGS and LOOKS directly to the CAMERA:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />What? ... I got cold.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He walks past CONCHITA and RONALDO in the --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Their son, YOYI, stands quivering in the corner. Conchita’s yelling at his father, Ronaldo.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I didn’t tell you to take him to no Titty Bar, you sexist, machista<i> hijo de puta</i>!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />You said something that would scare him straight!... You’ve been PIMPING, how about THAT?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I guess we’ve both been shady, but it was for a good cause.<br />They embrace and make out. Yoyi covers his eyes. A TV behind them plays the first few moments of a new interview. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We CUT INTO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - As in the beginning, SEÑOR LORO sits in a director’s chair. BRONSON, our nemesis REPORTER is opposite him.<br /><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />So... Things have changed, Señor Lorenzo.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Loro. Señor Loro. (sighs) Yeah, everything’s different, yet everything remains the same. Kind of like Cuba after Fidel Castro stepped down.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />And is Schmedley a part of LosTiteres.TV, or will he step down?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, he’s on the board, and he’s still a performer, but I think he’s growing up, you know. He’s got girls on his mind.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />What’s next for you, Señor Loro. Marriage, perhaps to Gatica Pussywillow?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, that rumor’s been bandied about, but nobody knows.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />You puppets are one odd Latin bunch of characters. Like your song says, you’re funny, you’re queer. You never dress in khakhi --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Señor Loro strums his fingers on the arm of his chair, and calmly looks on.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />That’s right, that’s right -- and thank goodness we’re here...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2 pokes out from behind him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />Sí.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NICKY<br />And we’re out!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BRONSON<br />Until we meet again, Señor Loco.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Loro. Señor Lo -- I’m getting a little sleepy, I’m an old bird.<br />Nicky and Bronson pack in a moment and leave as Señor Loro waves goodbye...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CAMERA PULLS BACK WIDER & WIDER as LORO sits, strumming his fingers, in a trompe d’oeil special effects shot, so that it’s a full view, yet, old school Kermit the Frog style, done with mirrors.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Señor Loro is so tired, his eyes close and his head bobs.<br />WE move around the STUDIO to look around one last time. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY’S nonchalantly chatting with CONCHITA...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY’s smoking out of a hooka with NAKED BOB...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO’S DESK DRAWER pulls open. THE GAY MARACAS are SMOKING post-sex CIGARETTES.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LOOK UP, and BLUEBOX walks past us with his clipboard and headset, frustrated, muttering to himself:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />These puppets are out ‘dey minds...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Other PUPPETS MILL ABOUT THE STUDIO, as by now -- </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">AS THEY WALK PAST US, we COME BACK full circle and MOVE CLOSER to:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO who, as lights dim in the studio, is left under a sole, soft spot light, innocently asleep. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />OUR THEME SONG PLAYS in the style of a child’s lullaby...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA and the ENTIRE PUPPET GANG surface slowly out of the shadows and see him there, sleeping.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Would you look at him... just like a big bird.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />And the cutest thing, is -- as we inch closer, he falls deeper into sleep --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />(muttering in his sleep)<br />Los Titeres... Thank Goodness we’re here.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He wobbles his head as he SNORES to a SLOW FADE OUT.</span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">************* </span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Stay tuned for more Backstage Antics and the continuation of our movie in Blog Form coming soon! ... We're puppets, we don't know when we'll write next, so please SUBSCRIBE!</i></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-76907826056770918892014-05-01T13:07:00.000-07:002014-05-01T13:07:00.171-07:00LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 5 ~ "Fleece & Felt Boy"<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley is licking his lips, eating fries dipped in chocolate.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Now, Don Cabeza de Papa was cooked at a 350 degree heat, and covered with a special Schmedley Schparky sauce. He was then dipped in schocolate.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - JUST OFF-STAGE - DOÑA CABEZA DE PAPA WEEPS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. OUTSIDE - BRICK BACKGROUND - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Conchita paces, holding a cell phone. CLICK, then ELEVATOR MUSIC. She sighs.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I can’t believe this, the Chilean militia is outsourcing it’s underground hotline to India.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CLICK.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUCO<br />(filtered)<br />Hallo.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Cuco! Es Conchita! Necesito un VAN. NEGRO. GRANDE... GRANDISIMO! Okay?... PRONTO! EN CINCO MINUTOS! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />As he wraps up his eating...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Join us next week when we’ll see what’s erotic about schocolate with our next guest, the Morton Salt Girl, ‘cause rumors I’ve been dating her are true, and she likes to lick the parts of me that taste salty. See you next time, and remember -- all the previous jokes have been 99% fat free!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />Aaaannndddd we’re off the air...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY ambles off the set.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Have a wonderful day everyone! You’ve all really been lovely to spend the day with. I’ll play with you tomorrow!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />HUMANS who work as janitors around the set, SNEER at SCHMEDLEY as he walks out. Everyone HATES HIM.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - LORO sees SCHMEDLEY head for the double doors to exit the studio.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Schmedley, I wanted to say -- oh, never mind.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />As Schmedley opens the double doors triumphantly, they STAY OPEN -- as a BLACK VAN PULLS UP IN FRONT OF SCHMEDLEY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />TWO PUPPETS and TWO HUMAN ACCOMPLICES IN BLACK FROM HEAD TO TOE coordinate to OPEN THE VAN, and GRAB SCHMEDLEY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They THROW HIM INTO THE VAN with a THUD.<br />VAN DOOR CLOSES.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - LORO sees all of it go down... GATICA suddenly appears behind him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />What? Something wrong?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />No, nothing at all. As of now, it may just be going right.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. VAN - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA’s driving.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO, and NAKED BOB pull the black stockings off their heads.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY struggles -- all tied up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />What’s going on?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I can’t believe how weak you are.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I took kara-te! I’ll kill you! I’ll crucify you! I’ll tell my dad on youuuuuuu!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />When a butterfly can hold you down, Schmedley, you know you gotta hit the gym.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I don’t have time for that or THIS!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />I predict you’ll have a heart attack before 15.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />If we’re lucky.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />What are you gonna do to me?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Guerilla war tactics on political prisoners.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />You’re shit outta luck ‘cause I don’t have nails on my fingers.<br />INT. HUMAN NEWSROOM - EVENING NEWS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />Schmedley on a binge or kidnapped?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />IMAGE: SCHMEDLEY APPEARS BEHIND HIM.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER (CONT’D)<br />A recent sighting indicates that Schmedley Schparky of Schocolate fame has been abducted. We’ve received e-mails from several witnesses in the greater Dade County area, who have seen him coming in and out of some shady puppet neighborhoods.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />An UGLY GIRL who looks kind of like SCHMEDLEY, dressed as a princess watches the report on TV, and talks back to it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PRICILLA<br />Schmedley, this FAN LOVES YOU! <br />She goes to her window.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PRICILLA (CONT’D)<br />If you’re out there, I‘m thinking of you!... Unless you’re out on a binge, which should be fun.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. MARY JUANA’S REAL SHACK - NIGHT</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley’s BLINDFOLD comes off, and he looks around the shack, set up like a HYDROPONICS LAB. SMOKE fills the air.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Breathe deeply. This is your JOURNEY INTO LATINO-NESS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />(his eyes red)<br />Ahhh. Hello, it’s you, the talking plant. Oh my god you’re like, so beautiful!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Under the right lighting, we all are.<br />Schmedley breathes deeply, and his irises get dilated.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Looking at all of these plants is making me hungry, Mary. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Your lesson here is to get in touch with the roots of all things, this is a journey into your innermost self, path towards ridding yourself of your inner greedy Wall Street asshole.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />That’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. Do you have any frozen pizza?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />It’s time for the van again. For your next adventure.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />The van again? I wanna stay here and ponder the universe.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />You need to chill out, dude. Go with the flow. This is what you need to become a true LATINO.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Yeah, you’re right. This is fun! MORE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Van time...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She ushers him out the door.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. SEñOR LORO’S OFFICE - NIGHT</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LORO is at the desk with the MR. SCHPARKY pacing in front of it. Huddled to a corner is GATICA.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />RIDICULOUS! How could you see such a thing and not immediately respond?! You stood there for nine minutes? Who in this world receives GRAVE, EARTH SHATTERING INFORMATION, and just SITS THERE?! STANDS THERE? For NINE MINUTES!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Uh ... George B -- Uh, Me?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />That’s right you! And I hold YOU responsible! For getting my poor, innocent son Schmedley up this creek without a schocolate!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Why don’t you call the police department? You own it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />No self respecting police officer would go into Hialeah! You think those Latino puppet neighborhoods are safe? ... YOU FIND my Schmedley, or I’m gonna rotisserie your ass POLLO LOCO-style!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INSERT: ROTISSERIE CHICKEN GOING AROUND.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Uhhh... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />I’ll do it!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />To establish --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />IN A BOOTH - A HUMAN DANCER GIRL writhes for RONALDO, while SCHMEDLEY watches nearby.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />I like the way you do it, Stacy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />STACY<br />Isn’t that kid underage?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Keep your mind on the money, and the money on your mind.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />STACY<br />I thought I saw you were married on YouTube.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />You wanna bust my balls, or stroke them?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GIRL walks away insulted.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Oh no, you messed that one up, Ronaldo. She got pissed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Let me tell you how we do things in Cuba and Honduras. Bitches are important, yet interchangable. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Wow. I would love Honduras. I’ve never even seen real titties this close before.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Here, Schmedley, drink this Mojito, and put this twenty in her crack.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A new HUMAN STRIPPER SHOWS up and dances.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Wow. This is the Best Thing I’ve ever done with my money!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE BOUNCER is being hounded by SEÑOR LORO.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BOUNCER<br />No BIRDS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Why of all the discriminatory -- but I’m looking for a titere twelve year old!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BOUNCER<br />No BIRDS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I could be the American eagle for all you care! He could be seeing titties before he’s able to process it in his delicate little mind!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BOUNCER<br />I said: No BIRDS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE BLACK VAN pulls up behind LORO. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He turns around and gets a look at SCHMEDLEY peering at him out of the VAN’s BACK DOOR WINDOW.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />SCHMEDLEY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />As the VAN drives off --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Hey, Señor Loro! SHOW ME YOUR TITS!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />(to Bouncer)<br />Oh, no! I’ve gotta run after them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BOUNCER<br />Why don’t you fly?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I thought they only racially profiled people at airports! ... Oh, all right...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Señor Loro flies after them!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA is on the phone.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Loro’s looking for him now, Mr. Schparky. I’m running the studio-slash Emergency Hotline Call Center for Schmedley Sightings.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BOOM, DOORS SWING OPEN and in stride PONCH & JIMMY wielding miniature guns ABLAZING!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA (CONT’D)<br />Oh my goodness!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They FIRE A COUPLE of MINIATURE SHOTS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />Just wanna let you know we mean business.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />I have to go. Someone’s aiming a beebee gun at me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />Not so fast --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. BOTANICA - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A Latin “botanica” (magic store)... A CRAZY RITUAL is taking place. It’s a dimly lit room with AFRO-CUBAN saints and gods on the walls, a chicken in a small cage. SCHMEDLEY is looking up at a shadow.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB WALKS UP TO HIM.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />Now, take off your clothes. You’re about to be re-born as the son of the Afro-Cuban saint: Babaluuuu.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />What?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />Never heard of Ricky Ricardo? Babaluuuu... Your name will now be: MOCO FEO or in Spanish: UGLY BOOGER.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Cool.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />Now, we kill this live chicken, and pour the blood on your head.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Awesome.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The chicken looks up like: Whaaa?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LOOKING DOWN ON GATICA in THE BOX, as PONCH & JIMMY close it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />You’ll never get away with this! I’ll scratch you!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />I’ll shoot your eye out!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Cardboard box lids close on her.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. HOOKER CORNER OF BISCAYNE BLVD. - LATE AFTERNOON</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Conchita talks to Schmedley, made up like a trashy hooker.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Now your first trick is always the most special -- it’ll leave stretch marks that will last for years. Now, stand like this, and show your ass. And don’t let those other bitches cramp your corner.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />You really think prostitution will make me a Latino man? </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Oh, it will... This is what being a Latina means to me. It’s called: Making a living for baby food.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A LIMO PULLS UP. WINDOW ROLLS DOWN. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">[JOHN STAMOS or ANTHONY RAPP plays the JOHN, a completely unexpected celebrity.] OR a stately-looking, older, mustachioed GENTLEMAN.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JOHN<br />How much?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Fift---</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Five. Hundred. Dollars.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JOHN<br />Really? Why so much for this fat kid?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">More fresh meat, more to love, more bang for your buck.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JOHN<br />Get in.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Pay in advance.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He hands her an envelope. She checks it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA (CONT’D)<br />Have a good time, Schmedley. Don’t let him cum on your face, it’s demoralizing. Also...<br />Schmedley gets in. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INSIDE - The GAY MARACAS are there snorting cocaine.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA LEANS INTO THE LIMO WINDOW:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA (CONT’D)<br />No anal, no strangling, no kissing, you break it, you buy it. No exchanges. You have two hours. Cuming is not guaranteed. And NO RIMMING, his mustache is gonna chafe, and you’ll be out of commission for a week.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LIMO PEELS OFF.<br />LORO RUNS UP, as CONCHITA COUNTS HER MONEY...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />SCHMEDLEEEYYY!!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Catching his breath, he stands next to Conchita, who fans herself with the five hundred dollars.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />What’s wrong, Señor Loro? Feeling lonely tonight?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Conchita! Where are they taking Schmedley?!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Probably back to a South Beach hotel for a little “suck & fuck”, you know, “party & play”. And then to an after hours club.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />He’s in danger!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Depends on how you look at it. Besides, he’s with the Gay Maracas. They’ve been on crystal meth for years now, and they’re fine. Totally straight. They know their limits.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Uh, he’s gonna get ass raped isn’t he...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Hopefully just by one person. I remember this one time --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I gotta go.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. GAY CLUB - NIGHT</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />HOUSE MUSIC pounds the air. DISCO BALL and CRAZY COLORED LIGHTS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY dances shirtless, wearing leather straps, next to THREE HUNKY GAYS and a DRAG QUEEN -- everyone: EYES LIKE SAUCERS, HUGE PUPILS, X-ING OUT OF THEIR MINDS! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />In the foreground, the GAY MARACAS dance.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY gets his nipples tweaked as he dances.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />That feels so wrong it’s right...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. MIAMI SKYLINE - NIGHT</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FAST MOTION - SUN COMING UP.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. GAY CLUB - 5 A.M.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A HUNKY GAY opens the DOOR and SCHMEDLEY and the GAY MARACAS walk out into the sunlight.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Who turned on the lights?!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />HUNKY GAY CELEBRITY<br />Hey, you guys wanna come over to my place, do some poppers and masturbate?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Dude, I’m totally Latino-ed out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LORO RUNS UP, out of breath --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Oh, Schmedley, there you are! GRACIAS A DIOS! THANK YESUS! I’ve been looking all over for you! Schmedley, we’ve only got a few hours till the show! Your father’s gonna kill me! You have to get back to the studio with me so he can see you on the air!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I’m soooo tired, Señor Loro.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Señor loro sees GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1, but no #2!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />What happened to the other Gay Mexican Maraca?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />He’s in my pants.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2 pops out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />Sí.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Let’s go!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Señor Loro, I just can’t go.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Ah, where’s a fast getaway vehicle driven by a mad person when you need one?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA PULLS UP IN THE BLACK VAN -- SCREECHES TO A HALT!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />DOOR FLIES OPEN: Conchita’s in all black, driving.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Get in!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THEY GET IN, and PEEL OFF.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. DRESSING ROOM - MAKE-UP CHAIR</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO has his make up kit laid out before him and is delicately picking colors with his BRUSH and putting it on SCHMEDLEY’s FACE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />You HAVE to make him look presentable. Camera ready.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I’m applying make-up to a saltine cracker here. I can’t work MIRACLES!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I can’t do this, I’m too tired!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />This is how you do it, baby! You wanna be a Latino puppet, part of Los Titeres? You want fame? Fame costs! And right here’s where you start paying -- in sweat!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The FAME MUSIC begins and MARIO starts to dance, but Schmedley cuts it off --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Can I have some water?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />No, you’ll just throw it up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley drinks some water from a nearby water bottle.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />You’re on in three.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />OK, go get ‘em kid!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY THROWS UP.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />OPENING GRAPHICS - THE SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOW!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley walks in, still wearing his gay leather straps from last night. He’s a mess. His bloodshot eyes tinged with purple.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Hello, and welcome to the Schmedley -- who am I again? Oh yeah, schocolates... Selling schocolates.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - OFFSTAGE CONCHITA watches with RONALDO and MARIO.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />If this doesn’t break ‘im, nothing will! Fuckin’ rich kid, asshole.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Tell me how you really feel, Conchita.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Well, we can’t let him sink completely, they’ll cancel the show!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Don’t you worry your little insect head.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BACK ONSTAGE -</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I can hardly read the cue cards... I’m feeling queasy, you guys. Let’s see: “And now, for a new version of the old LosTiteres.TV Song!” </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ALL THE PUPPETS ASSEMBLE BEHIND HIM and SING LIVE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ALL THE PUPPETS<br />Looooooossssssssss --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Titeres are funny<br />Los Titeres are fake,<br />Los Titeres are puppets<br />That walk around awake.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They whirl SCHMEDLEY around till his head’s spinning, and so is the CAMERA.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ALL THE PUPPETS<br />So, Turn on the Salsa,<br />‘Cause Life’s a Fiesta,<br />Grab hold of your Mama,<br />Remember to laugh!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO dances in trying to prop Schmedley up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Los Titeres are wacky<br />Los Titeres are queer,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />*They never dress in khaki, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />They’re singing’s kinda tacky,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />They’re smoking up Tobac-ee,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />They’re lacin’ it with Crack-yy!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY & CONCHITA<br />Thank Goodness, They’re Here!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY PASSES OUT!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE REMAINING PUPPETS TABLEAU around SEÑOR LORO.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLACKOUT!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FADE IN:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE BUILDING - WAITING ROOM - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY, guided by the strip club BOUNCER who holds him by a leather strap, stands next to LORO.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Schmedley, you’re going to take responsibility for this. I’m not going down because of your immature antics! It’s not my fault Conchita and the cast abducted you. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I know, I know. I brought it on myself.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Alright, let’s go.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They walk up to Mrs. Whore.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I wanna see my dad!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Yes, we have uh, an appointment.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FROM INSIDE, a MUFFLED:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY (O.S.)<br />YOU’RE FIRED!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Oh no...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MRS. WHORE<br />Right this way. Good luck.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She opens the door and they walk in.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO walks in with SCHMEDLEY being lead by the BOUNCER.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY stands, indignant at seeing Schmedley lead by a leash!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />You unchain him this instant!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BOUNCER<br />Don’t bother to tell me. I know: I’M FIRED!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />You don’t know it till I decide it... OK... Just now. YOU’RE FIRED!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The BOUNCER leaves the room weeping with MRS. WHORE comforting him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)<br />Yeah, get out of here and go get comforted by a Whore. And as for you, you strange, twisted --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Please sir, before you fire me, I delivered the show and Schmedley just as you asked! Please don’t make LosTiteres.TV into cheap webisodes again!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Are you kidding me?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Dad?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />I LOVED IT! IT was REAL, and WARPED! PASSIONATE! I LOVE the work LORO has done with your singing and acting skills, boy! And YOU, son, WHAT A GREAT JOB you’ve done! THE RATINGS ARE IN THE GUTTER, but I watched you grow up! Was it difficult playing the gay roles?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />What?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Señor Loro bought the footage from a certain JOHN STAMOS..?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Well, Dad, thanks. It wasn’t easy. The show may have looked good, but the double penetration was not a joy ride at the schocolate factory.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Suddenly, the DOORS BURST OPEN, and the whole GANG RUSHES IN, followed by a concerned MRS. WHORE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />And if he wants to cancel us, you can tell him to go fuck himself!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I don’t care if I don’t have a Green Card! I’m totally illegal just because I’ve living here under the radar for 13 years! There I said it!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Oh my God. Either I’m high, or you’re totally getting deported.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Everyone QUIET! Mr. Schparky says he LOVED the SHOW!<br />THEY ALL CHEER!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Of course I did! My favorite is the stunning beauty of... Conchita.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Ronaldo, pinch me... Oh, this is reality.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Now, even though I couldn’t give a shit about our marriage -- <br />Ronaldo spins around and pulls a fencing sword out of nowhere, which he points at Mr. Schparky.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO (CONT’D)<br />My Latin pride prevents me from allowing you to come on to my wife right in front of my face, sir.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Leave him alone, Ronaldo. He’s the producer.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Oh, in that case, have at ‘er.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Ronaldo takes a step back, puts his sword away.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Dad, I can’t do this much every day. Just too hard for a white person like me. Redheads are meant to be worshipped. We’re the real minority in this world. They won’t even accept our jizz at sperm banks.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Son, I have a confession: I’m half-puppet, and somewhat ginger.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EVERYONE GASPS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Really dad?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Plus I had sex with one to have you... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Don’t lookit me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />And well, Latino puppets need to have a voice too. My corporate voice. You little people, even you little colored people -- you’re part of who I am too.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Does that mean we can become LosTiteres.TV again?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I guess so. I don’t care. You can have it. Stick it up your ass.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Schmedley, you cannot pull out of projects you spend millions on just like that. I require you continue your infomercial segment. It’s been selling lots of schocolates.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />But, dad, I can only do maybe five minutes of this shit at a time, max. Ughhh... I’m too rich to be Latino, Dad.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Do what I say.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Fine, but being one o’ these Latino TIIITEREEES or whatever’s a real load.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT shows up, KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT<br />Hi, I’m from the I.N.S.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Oh, great, I’m screwed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT<br />I’m looking for Mario Mariposa. Some sort of butterfly?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Who the hell knows about butterflies? I’m a bumblebee.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Oh, no. I sent you -- you forgot to sign the paperwork.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />(singing)<br />Super-flake -- I’m super-flaky yeah! Awwwwww, flakeout!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Please help us Mr. Schparky!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />How much does the government want to keep this butterfly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I said, bumblebee.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT<br />Mr. Schparky, there are procedures.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Two Million.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT<br />Done. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EVERYONE CHEERS, including SCHMEDLEY & his MR. SCHPARKY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />The butterfly stays! Work it out with Mrs. Whore.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT<br />Gladly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INS AGENT leaves with MRS. WHORE, who winks at him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Is this a happy ending or what?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />No, that’s when you pretend to give a massage, but you really give a blow job.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />GO! GO TO WORK! All of YOU! BEFORE I HAVE TO FIRE YOU ALL!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They all scurry out. Last one out the door is Señor Loro, who turns back. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Mr. Schparky takes his seat at his huge desk, peering over it at Loro. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley stands at the door, spying into the office.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Thanks, Mr. Schparky, you’ve made an old Cuban bird titere’s dream a reality.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />WHAT’S WITH THIS SAPPY SHIT?! GET OUT! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">SCHMEDLEY! </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS FACE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Gladly, dad.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO waves as SCHMEDLEY enters the office just to SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS FACE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)<br />Thanks, dad.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley walks out the door, Loro’s walking down the hall a few steps ahead.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The door closes and for the first time, Mr. Schparky smiles.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Go get ‘em, kid! ... My fat little fleece & felt boy’s growing up.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He cries into a tissue from his pocket.</span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">************* </span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Stay tuned for our next installment on the 1st of June!</i></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-45517304563160289222014-04-27T09:38:00.002-07:002014-04-27T09:53:06.188-07:00MORTIMER WEASEL's Post-EASTER Videos<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/3iOFPRGAUfY?list=PLF82228BA040DBBD0" width="420"></iframe>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dear People Who Read Blogs,
Welcome back to Señor Loro's Backstage Blog, where you find out the backstage dish on what went on behind the scenes at LosTiteres.TV!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mortimer Weasel called me in early April talking about the fact that he didn't have a guest for his yearly Easter interview. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Turns out, the former Easter bunny had been turned into chocolate, and the new one was being considered for a SAG commercial for condoms, and so he was out. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I backed Mortimer against the back of my office wall one Monday morning earlier this month, and I said: "You are going to dress up as the Easter Bunny and do this Yourself!" </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He protested, but I continued, "What are we going to do? Close down the show? Stay in hiatus permanently?! ... Look, we've got blog entries coming out with our screenplay sections till the end of the year, but we can't rest on that! We need to put shit out on Twitter and YouTube or everyone will forget about us!" </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Forget?!" yowled Mortimer. "How about meet? ... People don't know about us! My last upload got 14 views!" </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I urged him to do a thing about SELFIES. In this modern age, you don't need anyone to watch you! You can just watch yourself. For goodness sake, we can even be our own photographers! </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He may be a Weasel, but he does listen to advice:
SELFIES</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/IVFDyFP3zjU?list=PLF82228BA040DBBD0" width="420"></iframe>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In addition, I said, "Why don't you try some stand-up? </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You know, just riff off the Hot Topics of the day?... </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And here's what he pulled from behind his fake rabbit ears. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/kPLlfB1wzvU?list=PLF82228BA040DBBD0" width="420"></iframe>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Look, I'm not Fidel Castro, I'm no tyrant, but I know how to produce this show, and keep it running. My motto is: BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY, which is the same motto as Malcolm X, and I'm proud of that... </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not that I'm an aggressive parrot, nor that I would actually execute any means necessary, but I like to say it, because it makes me sound tough, assured and in charge. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is largely what I'm not.
Till la promixa vez! </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feliz Easter and Happy Pascuas! </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><b>Red Bird</b></span> of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">Resurrection</span>, </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Señor Loro
Parrot Producer, </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://LosTiteres.TV/">LosTiteres.TV</a></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-10442716478800738782014-04-01T13:04:00.000-07:002014-04-01T13:04:00.790-07:00LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 4 ~ "Corporate Take-Over!"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgt0qkeCGhgbAGnw14nNflwRHn9cy7RVaw6x7LEfHRjVaZznL-yEWHtw-r4RMl-j8penmuUnJZTV4krSGjfjt_k1Cbk2aoilv7vd3t0-vwvzQZSDiOtBlPBYYAyHYwFy6A7IAZEEW7JBr/s1600/FelixandLosTiteres.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgt0qkeCGhgbAGnw14nNflwRHn9cy7RVaw6x7LEfHRjVaZznL-yEWHtw-r4RMl-j8penmuUnJZTV4krSGjfjt_k1Cbk2aoilv7vd3t0-vwvzQZSDiOtBlPBYYAyHYwFy6A7IAZEEW7JBr/s1600/FelixandLosTiteres.jpg" height="229" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">WHITE NOISE TURNS INTO AN EMBOSSED VERSION that comes out of the noise -- very HBO-like.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. MONTAGE - OPENING GRAPHICS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A REVAMPED OPENING THEME SONG PLAYS. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now, all the characters are jaunting around, as in the opening of any television show, except the SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES LOGO is everywhere the eye can wander.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STUDIO - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />STANDING BEFORE GLITTERY, GLITZY CURTAINS with a GIANT SCHMEDLEY FACE/LOGO, SEÑOR LORO appears to great APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER as any late night comedian or talk show host would.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Hahahaha, thank you! Thank you so much! MUCHAS GRACIAS!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />STANDING OVATION from the AUDIENCE -- clearly out of their minds with joy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Sit down! Please. Sientense! Que bueno que estan aqui con nosotros! So nice to have you along with us today! Our show today is spelled with a SCH. SCHOW. Take a look at the cue card there!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />WE SEE THE CUE CARD. HE’s RIGHT, OF COURSE ... LAUGHTER.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />As I’m sure you’ve all read in the current issue of PEOPLE magazine, we’re not people, we’re puppets. And as Latinos, Titere-Americans as I like to say. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />APPLAUSE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Thank you, I coined that! But now that we’re being sponsored by a major corporation, hooking us up with this set decoration -- which is off the chain -- I suppose they own Titere-Americans, ‘cause I said it on their airtime! Damnit!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LAUGHTER. APPLAUSE. A STRONG WHISTLE. WOO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Now, not for nothin’ -- today I bought me a Double Decker MUCHO COCOA SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BAR. (HE HOLDS UP A BAR.) It made me feel energized and slightly patriotic...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE ALL-HUMAN AUDIENCE NODS TO ITSELF: “HMMM... INTERESTING.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Eating Schmed -- Hol -- Hold on a moment. Let’s, uh, put down the cue cards. I can’t do this... This is -- I usually do a comedy monologue at the opening of the show, but this is not the one I wro --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY PEERS SUDDENLY FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />(WHISPERS)<br />Do it, asshole, it’s funny!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA watches with BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />What has this pajaro maricon gotten us into? This faggot bird is gonna get us into a deeper hole than the one that got torn into me when I fucked Milton Berle. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />You fucked Milton Berle?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />No, honey that was just a joke. Ha. Ha...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I had no idea Señor Loro was “family”.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />I think he’s on the down-low.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />Sí.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Taping before a blue screen is MARY JUANA with a few potted plants, and a set that looks like the interior of a small shack you’d have in the back yard. As she speaks, SCHMEDLEY LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />As I always say, it’s better to eat me than to smoke me -- and that’s why today, on Mary Juana with da 420, we’re giving you the 411 on making pot brownies with cheap brownie mix from your local bodega.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY barges in --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />With her very special guest star, SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Uh -- am I totally high, or did that just happen...?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Yes, it did you silly puppet hermaphrodite plant. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Whaaa..??</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I think we should tell everyone we’re using SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BROWNIE MIX, it’ll make all the brown stuff taste a little more white and freckly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley’s father watches him on TV.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Hahahahahahaa! This is fantastic! Way to go son, whiten it up and bland it out!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He presses down on the intercom.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)<br />Mrs. Whore -- get in here!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She scuttles in and stares -- startled at what she sees on the plasma TV.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)<br />Laugh, goddamnit! LAUGH, or I’ll fire you again!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She LAUGHS uproarously for him. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Mr. Schparky laughs till it hurts -- as SCHMEDLEY opens the BROWNIE MIX BOX a little too forcefully, and mix flies everywhere!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />(aside)<br />This segment seems different than I remember.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />(aside)<br />Just go with it, you stupid weed, I’m having a blast!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA, BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB look on.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />That’s because Schmedley wrote it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />No wonder, it doesn’t have the usual crackle of Mary Juana’s writing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They all agree.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Ultimately, once you’ve made the brownies by cooking them in an oven, not by the heat of the sun, as Ms. Juana suggested earlier, you’ll get these... Cue the human model with the big boobies, please.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A BIG BREASTED MODEL brings in a plate of BROWNIES with a SCHMEDLEY LOGO garnishing it. APPLAUSE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />What is going on? Dude, I’m not even high anymore. This is gross.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Well, that’s all the time we got -- Uh, I wanna stress, that I myself, do not get high. However, I bear no ill will towards plants that speak.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Slow down that fuckin’ teleprompter.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Join us next time, when I’ll attempt a bong hit -- not really! And remember, all the previous cannabis advice has been 99% fat free!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY holds up the BROWNIE BOX, and FREEZES, while MARY wanders around behind him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - A wider shot, where we see SCHMEDLEY unfreeze...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Did you just upstage me, dude?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Listen, Mary, I had a wonderful time -- thanks for having me as a guest for the next couple of years.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Did I agree to that when I was high?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO charges in from off stage and PULLS SCHMEDLEY ASIDE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I have to talk to you urgently!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Behind him, the GAY MARACAS are going on CAMERA. They’re performing a TWO-PERSON COMEDY ROUTINE, with a background that looks like a MEXICAN YARD SALE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />I knew I was Mexican and a Maraca when I shook and made noise, but I didn’t know I was gay until -- I shook and made noise! WOOOO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />Sí!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - LORO AND SCHMEDLEY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />This is a catastrophe, you just cannot take creative control and barge in --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />That’s cool -- listen, I gotta be in this Gay Maracas Sketch.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />You’re not gay or a maraca! You’re coming with me!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He drags SCHMEDLEY off.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />You really wanna know what Gay Maracas throw when they do a drive-by?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />Sí!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SKITTLES! Taste the rainbow, bitches!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />Sí!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />Hey man, who wrote this horseshit?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY<br />Now merchandized with Schmedley’s face coming out of every corner, the office looks like a giant ad.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Do we have to have all these posters in my office?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Why wouldn’t you want them? They’re sweet.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Product placement is one thing, but placing yourself in other puppets’ acts is horrendous, and I cannot allow it! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />But I own this show, Señor Lorno!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />It’s LORO. Wasn’t it my creative vision that attracted you here to begin with?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I guess so.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />It was MY dream, Schmedley. Let me guide the show. Let me guide you through the bumpy road of television programming. I know what I’m doing from years of programming communist television. In Cuba there’s only one channel. I know what I’m doing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />But my dad let me buy this stupid show only if I sell stuff!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Okay, we’ll work in more advertising, but you have to slow it down, dude.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Alright, I’ll reluctantly promise I’ll behave, Señor Loro. But there are graphs and charts to measure your sales progress. I paid off the FCC and the ACLU for you for a limited time, but if we don’t sell Schmedley Schparky Brand Schocolates, you’re back to being banned.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Now THAT is what I like to hear!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Standing before an elegant stage set, Ronaldo laughs subtly as a well-dressed HUMAN AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />-- which is, of course, brought to you by -- S.S. Schocolates. The tasty treats is known in “acting circles”... Speaking of performance, we have a thrilling guest here tonight. Straight from the set of the television series C.H.I.P.s, the visionary Latino actor -- who even agreed to wear his original costume -- ERIC ESTRADA IS HERE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. BROOM CLOSET - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A GAGGED GUY in a California Highway Patrol outfit struggles, tied up to a chair.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They are now seated. Ronaldo behind a desk.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Acting is by its very nature --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY walks in...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO (CONT’D)<br />Uh -- ladies and gentlemen, what a surprise! It’s Schemdley!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley sits in a cushy chair to AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO (CONT’D)<br />Although we were expecting --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Skip it, he’s not coming.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />This happened in my Cuban broadcasts all the time. I’m sure this was just his firing squad day. Now, adoring audience, he’s not only a symbol for chocolate, he’s also clairvoyant... It’s Schmedley Schparky!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />AUDIENCE APPLAUDS REVERENTLY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Indeed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />So, I guess you’re my guest today, but you’re not an actor.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Sure, I am, I’m acting like I like you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />AUDIENCE LAUGHS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Of course... Uh, my first question... Uh... how did you start acting on C.H.I.P.s.?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Can I say my favorite cuss words and just leave?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />If by that you mean, the questions of Bernard Pivot.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Fuck, piss, shit and fuck... Okay, that’s it, this is getting boring. I’m gonna go pee.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />AUDIENCE is stunned. RONALDO is holding his gargantuan head in his hands.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />See you next time... INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO!... This is quite embarrassing -- uh -- I need a drink.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He walks off... ERIC ESTRADA WALKS IN, barely out of his bondage, ropes dangling. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ERIC ESTRADA<br />Am I late?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STUDIO - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY walks past LORO, who is looking down, shaking his head, crestfallen. CONCHITA WALKS BY and that takes SEÑOR LORO of his daze. He PUSHES CONCHITA towards the CAMERAS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Conchita, you’re on next! I need you to take more time! Ronaldo was supposed to last longer, so you’re going to have to --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I only have four minutes prepped.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />You wanna be a star? Do seven!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I haven’t stretched this much since I was working my box and Richard Simmons goosed me and made me laugh so hard I pulled a vagina muscle, right there in my box on the Hollywood Squares.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />GO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “A PLAZA IN SPAIN” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA appears to APPLAUSE. She is wearing a FLAMENCO DRESS, with FULL-ON HEAD GEAR and FAN.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Señores y señoritas... I was once a girl living in Spain, selling flowers at LA PLAZA CENTRAL -- which isn’t a place in Spain, but a place I made up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MUSIC PLAYS...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA (CONT’D)<br />Truth be told, I was meeting questionable gentlemen there, who smoked cigarettes, that like themselves -- were funny.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A YOUNG MAN appears dressed in a WHITE BULLFIGHTER’S OUTFIT, smoking a SPLIFF. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA (CONT’D)<br />He was tough and he was cool, his balls big as any bulls, El </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">SEÑORITO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She FANS HERSELF, as he approaches her and does a short dance with CASTANETS before he hands them to her and the MUSIC STARTS IN EARNEST. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />HER PUPPET FINGERS PLAY CASTANETS... HER FLAMENCO FOOTWORK WITH HEELS. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA (CONT’D)<br />He wore tight pants round that butt, and had balls like COCONUTS, EL SE -- ÑORITO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />YOUNG MAN grabs her and TWIRLS HER behind a nearby PILLAR. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SOUNDS OF CRASHING! Then a YELP and a MUFFLED YELL, as we see the young man’s concerned face.<br />Out from behind the pillar in CONCHITA’s SAME FLAMENCO COSTUME, dances SCHMEDLEY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />He was totally fascinating, and on my breasts his beard was grating, EL SE -- ÑORITO.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMELDEY plays the CASTANETS. Conchita appears from behind the pillar, FUMING MAD, holding a broom -- bristles up!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Oh no you don’t!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY DANCES with the YOUNG MAN, as CONCHITA SWATS at him with the BROOM.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY & CONCHITA</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Oooooohhh, EL SEÑORITO must be discreet-o, or my husband will find out. How much deeper must I delve, yes, I married him at twelve -- now my lust must whore about! EEEELLLL SEEEEÑÑÑÑORIIIITO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />DANCE SEQUENCE. They dance on either side of the YOUNG MAN.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE AUDIENCE, hating it, IS FILING OUT THE STUDIO DOORS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA PLAYS THE CASTANETS, as THE YOUNG MAN “Doe-See-Does” WITH SCHMEDLEY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Get outta my SHOW!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />This is my SCHOW now, Conchita!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LORO<br />Give it a BIG ENDING!<br />He throws a banana peel at them!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “A SPANISH PLAZA” - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The banana peel flies in as the MUSIC CRECENDOES. They SLIP and end up in a HEAP ON THE FLOOR. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Cut to commercial -- (faints.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - EMPTY AUDIENCE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />LORO runs onstage, as the CAMERA TILTS up to HIM. HE LOOKS INTO IT.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, this is the end of our broadcast day! I had the best time! Goodnight, everybody, see you at the cast party!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />AAAAANnnnndddd! CUT! We’re OFF THE AIR, Puppets!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Ay Dios Mio -- this was TERRIBLE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY, the YOUNG MAN, and CONCHITA get up off the floor, wiping themselves off.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />YOUNG MAN<br />Remind me never to work with you people again.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Please, Armando, no!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />What the hell just happened?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I had a WONDERFUL time! I’ll see you tomorrow!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CLOSE on LORO, who faints.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MONTAGE - NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SWIRL ON!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEW YORK TIMES: “SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY NEW SCHOCOLATE STAR!”</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> PUPPET HERALD: “LOSTITERES.TV IS SCHPARKLING!”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />DAILY VARIETY: “SCHMEDLEY A SCHMASH!”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. FAST MOTION SUNRISE OVER MIAMI - MORNING</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CUT TO:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - MORNING</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />As SCHMEDLEY walks past, BLUEBOX is sweeping, RONALDO is reading the newspaper, and MARIO is putting make up on CONCHITA...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />How you guys doin’?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />After yesterday’s debacle, you have the nerve to ask?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />“Debacle” must mean “spectacular success”, right?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Listen, you puerco, pig --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Conchita, you promised me you wouldn’t -- there are no pigs in Los Titeres, that’s how come we can broadcast in Saudi Arabia.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Well, look at him, he’s a greedy --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />You guys read today’s papers, or see the headlines? Or heard any of the reviews on the news?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />No, like, is there something we should know?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />I predict more bullshit from this guy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Ronaldo holds up the paper in front of his face, and Schmedley sidles up to the blazing HEADLINE ON IT! <br />SEÑOR LORO rounds the corner, and joins them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />LosTiteres.TV A SCHMASH!.. Read it and weep, suckas.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I feel oddly conflicted about this.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />We have the highest ratings of all the networks combined.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />Doesn’t your father own the biggest three networks?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Yeah, and he turned off the power to all of ‘em while our show was on yesterday. He also owns the power company.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, he DOESN’T OWN LosTiteres.TV!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Oh, it’s not LosTiteres.TV anymore. It’s Schmedley Schparky Schocolates dot TeeVee. Los Titeres was totally boring and stupid. But I kept the dot TeeVee, just for you guys.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Esto no puede ser! I will not allow...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Oh, and I’m so glad everyone’s gathered around -- I have hired a new consultant to the stars and celebutants. She totally tells Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian and all of the Housewives of Atlanta what to do...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />Astrologically speaking, this spells doom.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />I need an Oxycontin.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MORTIMER WEASEL<br />There goes The Peabody.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Puppets of Los Titeres, meet your new censor and advisor. A gift my dad gave me -- she’s in this box.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY HOLDS UP A CARDBOARD BOX.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I will never be censor --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />MEET: Gatica Pussywillow.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY opens the box, and inside is a BEAUTIFUL CAT, looking up with doeful, blinking eyes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO is about to say something when his EYE TWINKLES. He’s in STARRY-EYED LOVE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA, a puppet cat, lunges out of the box, and puts on a LIVELY SUMMER hat with FLOWERS on it, and a SMALL WHITE FEATHER BOA. She’s very pristine, and has a slight BRITISH semi-accent.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />You may call me <i>Gateeca</i>. Or if you like, Ms. Pussywillow. Or pussy for short. Or Puss. Not Willow, ‘cause bear it, I CUN’T. I just CUNT!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Great, that’s all we needed in Los Titeres, another cunty pussy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />I am here to broaden your audience demograhic, by raising your cultural values. (Double Takes at Conchita.) Oh my God, what is THAT CORPSE...?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I’m ALIVE, dumb ass.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Possibly. Of course, you are, dear. You look like birds I leave as gifts to my masters.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I was totally excited about the show momentarily before you walked in here. I felt confident and sexy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Oh, we won’t have SEXY. Stop thinking SEXY. SEX does not sell to middle America. Think: Chaste. Think: Stable. Think: SOUND OF MUSIC.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Think sound of: “You’re fulla shit.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Insults are superfluous now.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Superflu -- what? God, and people say I don’t speak English. What kind of made up shit is that? Superflu-califragilistic?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />QUIET! Alright, people, let’s WHITEN IT UP, and BLANDEN IT OUT. It’s been way too gay for way too long around here. Your chips salsa overfloweth. Time for some SALTY CRACKERS. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />We already have a redhead Cracker up in this spaceship -- fuckin’ up our Latino show.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A STRANGE SQUEAKING/MARACAS SHAKING NOISE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />What is THAT? It’s coming from this desk drawer.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />When she opens it, the GAY MARACAS are having sex inside it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />Hey, do you mind? We’re trying to have gay sex!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2 <br />Sí.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />These little musical instruments are DISGUSTING!<br />Señor Loro closes the drawer.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Never mind them. It’s spring.<br />(to the Maracas)<br />Cut it out, you guys.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The MARACAS STOP making noise. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA sidles up to NAKED BOB and hands him a suit.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />And here’s your suit.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />What? I’m Naked Bob! I pride myself on my intricately corn rowed pubic hair! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />And no more fortune telling on your segment! That’s the work of the devil.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I really don’t think that’s English she’s talkin’, you guys.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Mary Juana, you’ll have to sober up, honey. A little rehab perhaps? Can we dress you up like a sunflower, maybe? ... Mario, butch it up dear, you’re too femmy. And Bluebox Jones, our dear, dear blue space alien. You’re only a token, so if you continue to be foul mouthed, we might have to let you go. And you, Señor Loro... In the office! Now!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She pushes Señor Loro off. Schmedley shrugs.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He lumbers off. The rest of the puppets stay, flabbergasted.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />And they say Cuban bitches are pushy -- well, at least we’re not catty!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Loro and Gatica.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Alright, here’s the thing: I’m firing the Gay Maracas, Ponch and Jimmy, the News Guys -- all the short puppets. America hates short puppets, and chews but does not swallow gays.<br />SEÑOR LORO<br />But these are my friends --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />There is no room for friendship in Market Research. And it indicates that those short, rodless puppets, unable to move their mouths have really low “Q ratings”. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />But on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Irrelevant. Mr. Rogers is dead, and so are the puppets in his neighborhood.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />But maybe if we kept them around to do interstitials, I could still keep them employed, because with the recession --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Listen, you hot parrot. I like your verve. I like your red feathers, they tease me. But at any point I could pull the plug on all of this with one claw stroke. You get to firing some people quick!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Can I just fire them later? Not on Monday morning --<br />She saunters up to him seductively.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />By this afternoon, I want those wastes of felt, string & paper mache out of here. Then, there’ll be more room for you... and... me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />She meows.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />So seeexy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Yes, I am. You’ll do it... for me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I’m gonna FIRE it up...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Purrrrfect.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “NEWS SET”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Ponch and Jimmy are delivering the news.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />A giant shipment of chocolate was stopped on the border of Mexico and the United States today, government officials fearing that Mexican National Puppets could be hiding inside the bon-bon sized packaging. Now, to Jimmy with sports.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />Ponch, illegal immigration has got to stop. No matter how small... Oh, and it says here, we’re fired.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />We’re fired?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />Yep.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />They take off their mikes and walk off the set.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - OFF STAGE - GATICA AND SEÑOR LORO</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Let me point out what’s wrong with this picture. Small puppets talking about small puppet immigration? If they had rods and moving mouths, this would be more palatable.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />But these guys are award winning journalists, and they just walked off the set!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />I’m afraid I have to tell you that we simply must give Schmedley his own infomercial. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />That’s impossible.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Yes, it’ll be practically impossible to fill up the forty minute block you’re going to give him, but I’m sure he’ll think of something.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />But this was my show! My little shitty, poor channel? Why? Why did I sell out!?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />It’s the numbers, Señor Loro. The numbers... Instead of the usual, your segment will now run two minutes, the other fifty-eight will be Schmedley’s. Trust me, it’ll be for the best.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, I guess I’ve got to get to producing this -- info-mercial.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GATICA<br />Oh, no worries, dear. Like the firing of those Punch & Judy look-alike newsmen -- it’s already done... Look!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />On set, Schmedley is already prepping his candy boxes and props. Now, the set looks like it’s vomiting NEON and PLASMA SCREENS advertising SCHMEDLEY’S SCHOCOLATES.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />OPENING GRAPHICS - THE SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOW!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley jumps around, eating candy bars, who are alive and dance around him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The set has a cartoony feel. Somewhat in the style of Dr. Seuss gone corporate. It’s a kid’s playroom with all sorts of not-so-subtly placed promo stuff.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Hello, and welcome to the Schemdley Schparky Show! Want some Schocolate? These are made by my company Schmedley Schparky Schocolates, a proud sponsor of this show.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He looks to another CAMERA, smug. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)<br />Now many of my fans have been writing, so I have decided to answer some viewer mail. First letter says: </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />We see letters fly in and unfold on a plasma screen. A small picture of the author to its side, in this case LIBBY, a wacked out looking female puppet with glasses.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)<br />"Dear Schmedley, you are so fat that I worry for your health. I know you own your own schocolate company, but STOP EATING, STUPID!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He looks to another CAMERA.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)<br />Well, I will definitely take that into consideration, Libby from New York -- as I bite into a scrumptious Schmedley Schparky Schocolate.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He looks to another CAMERA.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)<br />My guest today is a politician whose skin is colored like schocolate. Libertarian candidate in this year’s election, Mr. Potato Head’s cousin from El Salvador, Don Cabeza de Papa.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ANGLE - FROM BEHIND, we see a potato-like head wearing a hat wobble on.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PAN TO REVEAL - ANOTHER CORNER IN THE DISTANCE - Señor Loro and Gatica discussing the firings with the TWO GAY MARACAS, PONCH & JIMMY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />They say in show biz, there are no small parts only small actors, guys. (sighs) No, that’s not right. This is so awkward --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY<br />THE CAST IS huddled in this little room, conspiring.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />What would our own people do in Central America? Riot in the streets?! THROW MAZEL-TOV COCKTAILS?! ... (meek) Stick to farming?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Everyone looks up at him simultaneously...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO (CONT’D)<br />Make babies? ... Worship Jesus? ... NO! WE’D HAVE ourselves a good old time: REVOLUCIÓN!!! Can we say: Che Guevara?!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Ay, please, Mario, you’re barking up the wrong tree. We Cubans HATE Che Guevara. First of all he was a doctor who killed people and then he’s the biggest Capitalist -- he’s on all the fucking T-Shirts! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />IN WALK: THE GAY MARACAS, PONCH and JIMMY -- dejected.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />I’m intuiting some shit just went down.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PONCH<br />You intuit correctly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />Turns out they just fired us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />All puppets under a foot long.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />Sí.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The two MARACAS CRY on MARIO’s shoulder.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Oh there, there you guys. Someone else will hire you! Tomorrow you could be playing for Gloria Estefan.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THEY CRY HARDER.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Fire you? They barely pay you queers.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />JIMMY<br />It’s a symbolic firing. Like we’re no longer part of la familia.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2<br />No volunteering, either.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1<br />Sí.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />That’s it, everyone! In the name of STONEWALL, we gotta DO SOMETHING! ... I’m ready to bust some caps in someone’s ass.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Weeellll -- my cousin Cuco used to run a Chilean militia. Let me speed dial him on my cell. He knows what’s effective. I was once their victim when they were warring with a Columbian drug cartel, which was somehow involved with a Panamanian cocaine mule smuggling ring. It was horrible... They would pack my ... with -- I can’t talk about it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />Let’s DO IT!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />You gay dudes are aggressive.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I’m a butterfly and a make-up artist, but who said I was gay?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Gay or not, we’re all Titeres! Alright everyone, hands in the center.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THEY ALL PUT THEIR HANDS IN AND CHEER!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />What was the plan again?</span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">************* </span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Stay tuned for our next installment on May 1st!</span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-91564393327843327442014-03-01T12:49:00.000-08:002014-03-01T12:49:00.229-08:00LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 3 ~ "DO WHAT I SAY!"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJsnASRqxrglY4D_E1MoqqbjUXmL-pRmA4qKa3GppOGBkuqimGdSZd2C4L3M9hQh1YWgxjk27CBpENrEpfUMf1JS0y7vGRXyxKSBGPh_c9QDFGrurEbaD-6sI4gYVZ8G_sOeWiLFeC-0tX/s1600/Vimeo-Felix&Puppets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJsnASRqxrglY4D_E1MoqqbjUXmL-pRmA4qKa3GppOGBkuqimGdSZd2C4L3M9hQh1YWgxjk27CBpENrEpfUMf1JS0y7vGRXyxKSBGPh_c9QDFGrurEbaD-6sI4gYVZ8G_sOeWiLFeC-0tX/s1600/Vimeo-Felix&Puppets.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Loro is sitting at his desk, looking depressed and horrified, as his CAST OF PUPPETS walk in nonchalantly and take seats before him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />What is going on?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THEY CONTINUE a general CHATTER, pitching each other sketch ideas.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />What are you doing here?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Suddenly everyone stops talking, except:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />And I said to him -- I don’t care if you get me high I’m still not gonna let you touch the leaves on my inner thigh!... Oh sorry.<br />Mario takes the room, before Loro’s desk.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />I hereby call to order our pitch meeting. We begin with... Me. I have been wanting to do a piece on Amy Winehouse since 2007 --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I hate to break it to ya, but --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />SILENCIO!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Well, you don’t gotta get agro.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Didn’t -- didn’t you people just watch the news broadcast?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MURMURS of NEGATORY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I was actually fixing my make-up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I saw you all there, lurking!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />(sing-songy, condescending)<br />But that doesn’t mean we’re liiiisteniiiing!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, here it is... THERE’S NO SHOW. SE ACABO EL ESPECTACULO. No mas. No mas show! No hay dinero. No funding! No money. SHOW’S OVER!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />Plus, the FCC says we’re gross. I’m so stressed, I just wanna set myself on fire.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />I’d be into that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Mary stop smoking yourself.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />SMOKING? ... Are you crazy?! I EAT MYSELF.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Okay, that’s T.M.I.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />GET OUT! ALL OF YOU! I don’t need to be loved, I need to be respected!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MURMURS of RESENTMENT AS THEY LEAVE...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />-- doesn’t have to be a dick about it if we just wanna get high.<br />LORO SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. Leans and breathes a sigh against it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He saunters, barely able to lift his depressed feet, over to his desk. He opens the top drawer, takes out a yellow legal pad. His red, feathered index finger traces the words:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /> SEÑOR LORO’S “TO DO LISTA #1”<br />1. INTERVIEW ON LIVE TELEVISION<br />2. SUCCESS! ... IF NOT, GO TO STEP 3:<br />3. KILL MYSELF</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A REVOLVER shines in the drawer. He tosses the list in the air, grabs the gun, and holds it dramatically before him. Looks out the window, thinks about it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - HALLWAY - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE PUPPETS have now gathered in the hallway.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I don’t know why he’d cancel the show just because he doesn’t like my show.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARY JUANA<br />We all love your shoooow!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MARIO<br />That bitchy bird, direct descendants of the dinosaurs.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NAKED BOB<br />What’s prehistoric about that bird is he never lets anyone put in an idea!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />He reminds me of dictators I’ve known.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />That’s why I quit writing for Saturday Night Live.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ACROSS THE HALL, there’s a MYSTERIOUS SHADOW lurking.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />WE TRACK closer to make out it’s someone short and stout, wearing a FEDORA HAT. Film noir style lurking in the distance. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Loro is holding the gun to his head. It CLICKS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />It didn’t come with bullets, what a jip.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PHONE RINGS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />I suppose I should answer that...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Loro watches it ring again, then SIGHS and presses the speaker button.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Hola, Señor Loro hablando. How may I direct your insult?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />In the darkness, we can now make out it’s SCHMEDLEY’s shadow under the Fedora. He’s talking on a cell phone.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />(filtered)<br />You wanna save your show?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Totally...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />WHITE NOISE...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)<br />Fidel, is that you?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />(filtered)<br />Who’s Fidel?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Raul?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />This is Schmedley Schparky, dumb ass.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I don’t know who that is.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. LOSTITERES.TV - DELAPIDATED CACA STUDIOS - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The camera sees the studios right before it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Have you ever heard of GOD?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The camera slowly pans to the right and TILTS UP, REVEALING that right NEXT DOOR to the LOSTITERES.TV Studios is a MONOLITHIC BUILDING.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Oh, Jesus.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ATOP THE BUILDING, there is a GIANT BILLBOARD SIGN with the face of SCHMEDLEY, that lights up every three seconds with a brilliant light, which reads: SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES. EAT IT!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Jesus?... I’m gonna do you one better.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - LORO’S OFFICE</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The door flies open, revealing a dramatically lit door frame, with a noir hallway. Schmedley in a fedora hat and trench coat is at its center. He walks a couple of steps in.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Wow, what an entrance.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley slowly looks up from his hat.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Alright boys, wrap it up.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The LIGHTS CHANGE SUDDENLY, and TWO HUMAN TEAMSTERS appear behind SCHMEDLEY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)<br />Take it down and scram.<br />One of the humans sets up a CHART for SCHMEDLEY. They both take lighting equipment and leave. Señor Loro looks at the chart.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />What’s this?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />POOF! A SPOT LIGHT ON SCHMEDLEY as he SINGS in the style of an upbeat RAG:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Do what I say. <br />And you’ll be okay. <br />This here’s the way it’s gonna be. You’re a bird, so repeat after me. If you wanna save the show, <br />You’ll do what I saaaaaayyyY! <br />If you don’t do it, <br />I’ll assume you’re gaaaaay.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />That’s ridiculous!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Do what I say. <br />Who cares anyway? <br />I saw you on TV. <br />Your interview at three, <br />and it looks like you were dead in the water to me. <br />So, do what I say.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />That’s not okay.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />And when I say <br />You remember to yay! <br />‘Cause that’s the way, <br />to save the day! <br />Your plan was lame, <br />That’s why I caaaaaaaaame!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Please, not on the rug.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Do what I say. <br />Say yes, not ne -- <br />For this is a relationship <br />I’d like to ferment! <br />Get this show outta the basement, Make you rich with product placement! <br />Make you rich and famous, YAY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />YAY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Do what I say: About PROGRAMMING!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Do what you say.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />MY SPONSORSHIP? It’s the only way.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Do what you say. Will you save the day?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />You’ll be okay.<br />As the sponsor of the station I’ll get your head out of the muck. You’re in a state of elation ‘cause you’ve had such great luck! <br />‘Cause I saw you on TV this <br />very same daaaaay! <br />I’m here to save the skein, <br />So sign your name on the dotted line! <br />There’s really not much time. <br />It’d be an awful crime. <br />It’ll really be sublime! <br />If You...DO ...WHAT ...I ... SAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE PUPPETS are still gathered in the hallway.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />He thinks that because we both wear red, that we clash.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />My little bocadito, my little pastry, my pastelito -- it’s really not all about you, or us, it’s about the world! They will be deprived of us! My free, online acting from an His-panic Point of View Classes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Ronaldo, you have to go in there and put your foot down!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />What foot?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />I hereby appoint you, Ronaldo, president of our union. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THEY ALL CHEER! Ronaldo looks nervous.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MORTIMER WEASEL<br />We have to face up to this crazy parrot! I just can’t live without my show! Are you guys with us?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />ALL THE PUPPETS<br />Yeah!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Loro is stalling with the quill, but doesn’t sign.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />What’s the problem?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, this is so sudden.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I thought this is what you wanted? I mean, really -- what else were you going to do today after you made a fool of yourself on live television?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Let’s see...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />On his desk before him, there’s a yellow lined pad. His red feathered index fingers appear on it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />He looks up, sighs, and carefully puts the gun back in the drawer. He takes a FEATHER from his own coat, dips it in a small bottle marked BLOOD, and starts signing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />THE FRONT DOOR BANGS OPEN -- IN SAUNTER ALL LOS TITERES... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY grabs the freshly signed papers and SNEAKS OUT.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Tell ‘im Ronaldo!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />Bueno... Well, it’s like this --</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Ronaldo says that you’ve run this station into the ground, and we don’t care if you created it! I’m the new star! He’s the new president, and we’re taking over! You were Fidel Castro’s right hand parrot, you should know a coup d’etat when you see it!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Perhaps, but I don’t speak French.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />We’re taking you over, Communist style, you Pauly-Wanting-a-Cracker!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I’ll have to reneg on the 6 million dollar deal I just signed. Each existing show gets a million dollar budget.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Okay, change of plan -- Ronaldo, could you get us some coffee?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />But I thought I was president?!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />You were momentarily, honey, you were...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Guess what, Naked Bob, we’re going to have to do some of that Cuban Santería hoo-doo on that reporter. I want him back.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Naked Bob laughs, looking around. All the other puppets sort of stare back at him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. SANTERIA SHRINE<br />Naked Bob dances around, all painted up with blood to some African drum beats. Only this time, he’s dressed all in white, wearing a white hat!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CONCHITA<br />Is he supposed to be possessed? I’ve never seen him wear this many clothes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Shut up Conchita, and quit looking for his balls, this is magic.<br />The puppets sit looking up at him, a fire going in the center. Ronaldo leans over, his face literally half-melted away.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />RONALDO<br />... You guys -- I think I’m melting...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FADE OUT.<br /><br />FADE IN:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />EXT. LOSTITERES.TV - SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE SCHTUDIOS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />A WIDE ANGLE shows us that the old studio has been spruced up and expanded. To the side of the old barn, is the mega-rich super sleek new SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE SCHTUDIOS. In every nook and cranny, there is now some sort of advertisement for SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. LOSTITERES.TV - SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE SCHTUDIOS</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />PUPPETS MILL ABOUT... BLUEBOX, an urban blue alien floor manager with his miniature headset on, goes in and out of a shot of a director’s chair that reads in a baroque font: SeÑor Loro. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO is being spruced up in a dressing room by cast members, as his dressers and make up experts.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER is set up again, now wearing a classy outfit anxiously checking his watch, waiting for Señor Loro. This time, Loro appears to a FUNK BEAT in SLOW MO, wearing a smart brown suit. He sits and stares down the reporter as they put on his lav and NICKY does the countdown: 3 - 2 - 1!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />It’s been a while.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Six million dollars ago... Time has been good to me, Bronson, time has been good. I can see you’ve wrinkled and added some hair plugs.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />The perils of being human.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />What a sad existence. I hear you’re desperate for a scoop. Haven’t had much good luck since Naked Bob did the hoo-doo on you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />Yes, don’t remind me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />You shouldn’t have left in such a rush last time... Um... Are those all the questions you have for me, Señor? I am a busy bird.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />Oh, no! No! Please, a few more questions. I beg you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I love begging.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />Here’s the coffee you wanted.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX hands Loro a cup of coffee.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Gracias... Oh, don’t look at me like that because I have a blue assistant! I’m very progressive, I know.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />I didn’t mean to -- I didn’t know they spoke English.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Oh yeah, blue people are usually multi-lingual. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX, standing off-camera.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX (O.S.)<br />Aliens. We’re aliens, really, not blue people.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />It was my idea in order to diversify the cast.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />Brilliant. Genius.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />Señor Loro, I got Spielberg on line 6?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER <br />Spielberg?!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Tell ‘im to hold, I’m doing an important interview with the American Press.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Bluebox steps into Señor Loro’s camera space.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />BLUEBOX<br />What if he’s casting aliens for E.T. 2, ninja?!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Bluebox. Blue people should really get a censor chip in their brains. You people always think aloud. I can’t see one alien movie without you people yelling and screaming.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />So, you’re still running LosTiteres.TV. Remarkable.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Mister Schparky has charged me to produce and oversee todo, the whole enchilada, everything.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />... S’not what I heard.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Well, listen, uh, insolence bores me so, uh, I gotta go.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />Congrats on your 6 million dollar deal. Don’t spend it all in one place. (awkward chuckle)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />Was that a racial crack? About Latinos being poor?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />No, it was about puppets being splendiferous.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />‘Cause I’m litigious as fuck. I will sue you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />(looks to camera)<br />There you have it. The bird can echo the sentiments of his big corporate masters. But will LosTiteres.TV retain the charming and daring voice of its past under this new </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">management? Or will the powers that be pull the strings?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SEÑOR LORO<br />I resent that, I am an American, not a marionette. There are no strings on me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />INT. MANSION - SMOKING ROOM - DAY</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley’s MR. SCHPARKY is sitting on a recliner chair, smoking a cigar. He can barely breathe, or see what’s on the TV over his large belly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />NEWS REPORTER<br />Yes, you heard right, ladies and gentlemen. Six Million Dollars.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />SIX MILLION?! I’m gonna BUY A TV SHOW? SCHMEDLEYYYYYY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />From behind the shadows of the room, Schmedley calmly glides forth, petting a small white puppet cat.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Yes, father?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY whirls around.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Ooooh! You scared me, boy!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Yes father, that is what I do.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Schmedley, it ain’t enough I gave you your own chocolate company, now you bought some crappy internet show?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Yes, father.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />What are you doing with my money?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Just playing...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />I ... guess ... it’s only six million dollars. Just don’t get hurt, son. And if you don’t get an award for programming, just tell daddy, and I’ll buy you one.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Dad, you’re totally rad.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The cat SCREECHES and runs away from his arms!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />What’s wrong with that stupid cat?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Oh, I just stuck my finger in his ass.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />The cat looks up resentfully.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Animals are not toys, Schmedley. Everyone but me will hurt you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I need product-placed celebrity, daddy! I gotta sell Schmedley Schocolates to the largest growing demographic in America: Latinos!... and I just ... uhhhhhh.... I just....</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Spit it out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I just gotta be a celebrity, daddy. That’s what I want!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Schmedley, what you want keeps getting more and more complicated.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I’ve made the loser chocolate company you threw at me into one of the most profitable business in the New York Stock Exchange. The least you can do, Daddy, is to have some farrrgin enthusiasm about making me famous!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />For what?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />My fuckin’ schocolates, Dad!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Now, cool your heels.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I mean, for fuck’s sake, Dad!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Hey now. Watch that lip.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Daddy, I’m so glad you’re loaded, and that I am your only son, whom you yourself have made into a mascot.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Alright I see your point. But I wanna see products placed out their orifices, you hear me?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />Daddy, those are plebean aspirations. Want some Super-Sized Schmedley Schparky Schocolates?<br />He offers Father some chocolates, and eating it calms him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Alright Schmedley, go play.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />I can see the headline: “SUPER Schocolate Magnate Celeb-utante Schmedley Schparky achieves FAME and CELEBRITY STAUS worldwide and beyond!” </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />MR. SCHPARKY<br />Soooounds good Schmedley ... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... You’re fired...Zzzzzzzzz....</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Schmedley’s father falls gently asleep, SNORING in his overstuffed, dark red, reclining armchair -- the last of his cigar, still emitting a thin trail of smoke.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />CLOSE ON SCHMEDLEY as he CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF. A REPRISE OF “DO WHAT I SAY” PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />SCHMEDLEY<br />And once I become a CELEBRITY, I will BUY THE WORLD AND MAKE EVERYONE... DO... WHAT... I... SAY!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />FADE OUT.</span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">************* </span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Stay tuned for our next installment on April 1st!</span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-3363213644924458832014-02-17T10:20:00.002-08:002014-02-17T10:21:39.169-08:00Felíz President's Day!<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/7IW2CzN5kcM" width="420"></iframe>
<span class="userContent"><br /></span>
</div>
<br />
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">Felíz President's Day!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">I ran for
Latino puppet prez in '08. My slogan: "I'm a Puppet & I Admit It!". </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">Distant ties to Castro brought me down, although I was Red, White
& Blue in the face from squawking all day. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">Run against Hillary in
'16? I don't think I have the feather covered balls.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">Love, </span><br />
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">Señor Loro</span><br />
<span class="userContent" style="font-size: large;">Puppet Presidential Candidate - <span style="color: red;"><b>FAIL</b></span></span><br />
<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897214915579108458.post-24573605129806604162014-02-07T14:31:00.002-08:002014-02-07T14:31:58.849-08:00Top Thing Facebook Needs to Do With Lookback<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLRyeVEfcnao4gaZ_1qe5vs3yVxBo6m4XIRsqOsFAXAYPYQlb4sRI3ryDhqf1_07XT1d6k6pJzl0GIUUtfMhc2w48iduzCe-j8tfDNqZ0nksPvWY8y8aKdVVVSkD5wi6SbuAY_4uD7zWZL/s1600/FACEBOOK+PAGE+LOOKBACK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLRyeVEfcnao4gaZ_1qe5vs3yVxBo6m4XIRsqOsFAXAYPYQlb4sRI3ryDhqf1_07XT1d6k6pJzl0GIUUtfMhc2w48iduzCe-j8tfDNqZ0nksPvWY8y8aKdVVVSkD5wi6SbuAY_4uD7zWZL/s1600/FACEBOOK+PAGE+LOOKBACK.jpg" height="302" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07925257780614967125noreply@blogger.com0