Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Fashion Do’s & Don’ts, Secret Vault of Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars vs. Star Trek

Who did it better? … Isn’t that always the question with people? Who is better? Who wore it better? Who made it better? Who is The Best. That’s what people are interested in, and that’s what I’m gonna serve up. The Best of the Star Wars universe.

That’s why I’ll be tapping on Jedi Fashion in this week’s webisode, and calling out the folks that wear it well. You’re in for a harsh awakening when I tell you that I haven’t seen a vest worn so well as Han Solo does. And it seems to be a utility vest – like he carries contraband in the pockets!

If you’re going to talk about fashion, and design, you must mention the one star that gets mentioned in the same breath as Star Wars, and that is Star Trek. There’s always a Who’s Better Battle between these two Stars, and in this webisode, I settle the argument.

As you may know, the outfits worn there are usually pseudo-military outfits. You know that if yours is red, for example, there’s a big chance you’ll get killed, and soon. There are differences between these two, which are significant, and in this webisode I break down what a major one is – the act of beeming places versus sending a hologram version of yourself inside a robot to the person you want to reach.

The range of technologies and what they are able to accomplish is not the same in each world, and so I’ll make some conclusions that you have to see to believe, so make sure you watch it on YouTube multiple times for deep penetration. Finally, my Fashion advice regarding clothing is to wear a cape at all times, or whenever you can get away with it. Darth Vader does it, Superman & Batman do it, Thor wears one, Harry Potter has one of invisibility, so why shouldn’t you wear one?

Now, this doesn’t mean it will be in public. I support you only wearing it in your room while you’re home alone watching Star Wars. In that case, also accessorize with a Jedi lightsaber, even if you have to grab a broom handle and swing that around.

I submit to you that it will enhance your viewing experience. Unless you smash your favorite lamp or hit the TV, so be careful with The Force. Always be prepared for the unexpected, I say. So in today’s webisode I’ll also peek inside the Vault of “Jabba The Hutt”… Join Me!

Using The Force,
Mortimer Weasel Reporter,
Apprentice Jedi, & Flim-Flam Artist

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Top 5 Strangest Star Wars Creatures, Jedi Training Camp

Dear Space Tadpoles,

I don’t want the whole #Twitterverse to come at me, ‘cause I made fun of the strangest five creatures in #StarWars. Honestly, I’m not known to be an insult comedian. More of a truth-teller. It’s important that satirists like myself be society’s padding against hypocrisy, because some are up in arms because I’m telling it like it is with Jedis.

Am I going off on a moral rant about how much I should be allowed to make fun of other people? Yes, and I’m arguing that: a lot. Don’t worry about them, they’re so loaded from the franchise’s revenue, that I’m sure Chewbacca can afford a therapist. Who cares about therapy when You could be the one controlling minds…?

And that’s why I started a Jedi Training Camp. I’m going to combine all of the alertness training of a weasel with the Jedi prep taken directed from Yoda… Well, a drunk Yoda, when he thought he was actually performing in a sitcom. Don’t ask me how he knows what they’re like.

But he transformed a large part of the forest into a broadcast studio, making the plants turn into seats and cleverly using the bog as itself. You know those always make great sitcoms. The one in which the place itself is the star: the bar in Cheers, the 30 Rock building in 30 Rock, and here, The Bog in The Yoda Show.

He pretended that he had a sitcom where he would teach a schmaltzy version of The Force. Kind of like a Jedi version of Dr. Phil, where he gave me crappy advice and assumed I had a lot more strength of character than I really have…

But I did pick up a few things and I thought to myself, why not put them out in webisode form. I know LosTiteres.TV is always starving for fresh material that bites other material just enough to call it comedy. I don’t know what to call these webisodes, except dear to my heart. In fact, so dear that I have sent them to George Lucas himself in the hopes that he can bless them.

Can you imagine if Lucas himself saw these little fantasy shorts of mine? … Oh, how he would most assuredly scoff, and then turn and jump into a big pile of his money! I know that’s what I do after watching Every One.

R-2 My D-2,
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi Wit Warrior

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Using the Force, Star Wars Clickbait & Jedi Foods

Dear Young Jedi,

Today the session I have with you is about appropriate use of The Force. It’s not particularly good to go around and willy-nilly, decide to use it on people in “lift & choke” fashion, as in the style of a certain dark user of the force, who shall remain nameless. Ok, Darth Vader…

 No, look, it’s not about use of power, but all about the restraint. Holding it in when you want to strike out and to try and find a way to have a Disney ending to the villain in your life. It’s the thing where you get into an epic fight, but in the end, the villain is his own undoing – whether he falls into an open volcano, or into the jaws of an alligator, he does because he messed up, not because our hero did anything to them.

Mostly you should use the mental force of keeping your mind filled with: Recipes. I know you think that’s weird. Well, so is this mystical energy that we call Force. In order to keep that energy sustainable, we have to eat. And by eating I mean, the best Jedi foods that you can find.

In today’s webisode I talk about Jedi foods and unpack the idea that what you eat must be healthy, but also – if it happens to be in the shape of, or outright ‘look’ like a Star Wars character, it’s probably tasting and nutritious. You won’t believe what’s possible when you make Wookie Cookies.

Lastly, I know that People Magazine is where you go when you want the latest celebrity relationship and breakup news, but when you want the latest Star Wars dish, you know you have to watch my segment: Star Wars Clickbait. Sure it’s a bunch of carefully packaged lies merely created for your amusement, but then again, can’t we say the same thing about People Magazine?!

… And sometimes they even assume that we’re Blind. For example, this year, People's 2016 World's Most Beautiful Woman is Jennifer Anniston… I am only left to ask: Did you really sort through everyone? Do the good folks at People need bifocals? Not even the Jedi Force can help correct that assessment. Clearly the most beautiful female in the world is General Leia.

 Live from My Underground Burrow,
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi Master & Master Chef

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Jedi Colognes, Star Wars Clickbait & Secret Notes of Yoda

Fantastic Jedi Apprentice, How do you smell? And I’m not asking about whether you do it with your nose… I’m asking whether you smell good, or bad? …

You should know. You have to live with yourself. Well, you’ll be surprised to find that if you are unhappy with what you smell like, there are a panoply of new Star Wars themed fragrances that you could grab. Mortimer Weasel breaks down the latest scents. Perhaps you can decide you want to smell like meteors. It may be possible.

 Plus, you’re not going to believe the dirt that this weasel has dug up! The latest info about all the space faring celebrities you love is reported in the most distorted way possible in Mortimer’s most popular segment, Star Wars Clickbait, where the latest news is made up and then fluffed up with a batch of fresh lies and hearsay.

And no, that’s not all, brace yourself for the wise words of Yoda, as we uncover the secrets he left lying around his bog. If you look carefully at the video, you’ll see that the paper Mortimer reads from is literally taped to his hand.

This is because the words contained on it are so powerful and magical, that the whole crew was concerned it would fly away, unless we strapped it down. And then it would be a film about Mortimer chasing a post-it note, and that wouldn’t be pretty.

 So strap in and enjoy three minutes of a download straight into your brain concerning the amazing knowledge necessary for you to reach Jedi Awesomeness.

Soaring in A Meditative Pose,
Mortimer Weasel
Member of the Jedi Council E-mail List

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Twitter Folklore, Jedis: They’re Just Like Us & Star Wars Spaceships Mechanics 101

Smart Jedi-In-Training,

This is Mortimer Weasel here, ready to convince you that if you watch Jedi Jabberwocky, you will build the knowledge you need to use The Force. To begin with you need to read Twitter. How else are you going to find out when the latest Star Wars movie or action figure has been released?

You won’t believe the lengths to which I go to find out how to break it down for you in every episode. In this one, I do go back into the vault of old Twitter messages left by brilliant Jedi of the past. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, it’ll become a part of you…

 Then, I went undercover in a grocery store, a mattress store and a personal pool to take pictures of Jedi in every day situations. I passed on showing a few pics I took, because they were just too hard on the subject. I don’t want to get sued, so I refrained from posting my picture of Kylo Ren watching Netflix and eating pizza on his couch, C3PO regenerating, and a baby Ewok playing with a wayward Stormtrooper.

Amazing how things are not the way you sometimes think they are in this world. Right when you think spaceships contain the most difficult, intricate insides, I will show you how they are powered. Some people think; nuclear, others think – no, it’s the future, everything runs on solar! …

But hold on to your lightsabers, because I’m going to explain it all for you!

Yours in the Space Struggle,
Mortimer Weasel Jedi
Warrior of Underground Tunnels

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Light vs. Dark Side, Star Wars Clickbait & Action Figures

Powerful Apprentice Jedi,

 I address myself to you as apprentice Jedi, because I realize you are all in training to use The Force. It is something that is the glimmer of what is creative and strong in all of us. Today I have decided that I will reveal myself. I will “out” myself in terms of light and dark.

 Surprise, surprise. I am on the light side. Today I will analyze why. And take a very recessive stock of what is important to me to be on which side. Part of the reason why I think I maybe on the Darkside is a segment that I’m doing this time called Star Wars Click Bait, which is simply a way to get people to watch my show.

This new segment is so rich with trash from space, you’ll wonder if something will hit you in the face like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. It’s just a bunch of outright salacious lies I made up.

Kind of like what most politicians say about each other, except about space people and creatures. You will be agog when you see what’s in this webisode, I’m sure.

Burrowing Deep Into Dark Matter,
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi in Training

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Cut Your Monthly Bills in Half Using Jedi Mind Tricks

My Dear Friends & Weasels,

This week, I endeavored to try and decide what side of the force to be on Good side? Bad side? … Ugh, so tiring. But I did choose, and you’ll never believe it, I’m a good guy. Of course, let me confess, that’s coupled with my weasely ways, so don’t be too sure. One day, I may join the dark side, if only to experiment with being dastardly.

I called up the intergalactic phone company in this one, and I’m astounded to have to be the one to take notice, but Latinos are everywhere. This one had an accent thicker than Jabba the Hutt’s neck. She did bamboozle me, but that is because I have only but begun using The Force…

Pretty soon, I aspire to being able to use it to take eggs out from under chickens at night when they’re sitting in their coops! I will use it to burrow underground, by using my light saber to dig, thereby saving my sensitive paws! … And these personal motivations are what make me think there’s dark side in me. I’m arrogant, I don’t want to help others with the force. I have only intentions of helping myself.

And to that point, if I don’t get a freakin’ Award for this series then Quality is just something I don’t know. I have done investigating out the ying-yang for this. I’m so Jedied Out, I’ve decided to go commando.

Until we meet again, may La Fuerza be with you.

Yours in a Bog,
Mortimer Weasel
Apprentice Jedi