LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 2 ~ "Schmedley Wants a Show!"

EXT. HOTEL ALLEYWAY - DAY

OLD COUPLE, ANITA and SAUL walk by again.

ANITA
Look, David, it’s that fuckin’ bird again!

SAUL
Don’t worry, Anita, I got it.

He flings a ROCK at Loro, and it WHACKS HIM ON THE HEAD. 

ANITA
You got him, Saul, you shoulda been an archer!

Loro, dizzy, falls from his perch, close to RONALDO with a THUD.

ANITA (CONT’D)
You’re my hero. C’mon I’m buying you a soda float!

SAUL
Oh boy!

Anita kisses Saul as they walk away, two lovebirds themselves.

RONALDO
Things could be worse. At least your family’s still alive... Sip of cerveza?

Ronaldo offers him a paper bag covered beer.

SEÑOR LORO (V.O.)
Then it all happened at once.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

NEWS REPORTER
There’s legend that says, you met --

SEÑOR LORO
Yes, I met the entire cast of LosTiteres.TV on that same day. It was either luck, or I’m lazy with casting, you decide.

NEWS REPORTER
Well, puppets are lazy.

EXT. HOTEL ALLEYWAY - CONTINUED - DAY

SIRENS! TWO CROOKS run by -- as we HEAR, CHASE BY THE COPS.

They throw a bag filled with Mary Juana and Shake towards SEÑOR LORO. It falls on his lap!

SEÑOR LORO (V.O.)
As for MARY JUANA, she just fell on my lap. 

LORO grabs it and looks inside. Within the bag is a MARIJUANA LEAF with EYES that BLINK. -- **PLINK** -- ** PLINK **

SEÑOR LORO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Mary Juana was just a tiny sapling here. All eyes... (sighs) But I saw potential.

MARY JUANA LEAF’S POV - WIDE ANGLE LENS - As we look up at him, Señor Loro looks oddly and waves at US.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - DAY

NEWS REPORTER
And then there’s NAKED BOB, who told me that I’d be on this very job one day, LIVE, for this very network.

SEÑOR LORO
He told me he would foretell that.

NEWS REPORTER
What?

SEÑOR LORO
I said, he’s really good.

NEWS REPORTER
He’s a genius. And just a homeless guy wandering around South Beach.

EXT. HOTEL ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS - DAY

SEÑOR LORO (V.O.)
So he just wandered up on us that day...

NAKED BOB walks happily on by, double takes when he sees the weed on Loro’s lap, and goes:

NAKED BOB
Are you gonna smoke that?

A TOURIST walks by with his WIFE.

TOURIST
Put some clothes on, that’s disgusting!

NAKED BOB
I’m FELT!

CONCHITA saunters while lighting a cigarette, around the hotel’s corner and over to the group.

SEÑOR LORO
And then everyone kind of... showed up.

BARKING! 

NEARBY SIDEWALK -  MARIO MARIPOSA and the NEWS GUYS are being chased by a RABID DOG -- WE HEAR the barking. 

They come around the bend, catching their breath.
MOMENTS later, TWO REAL DOGS run past... Then:

FROM an upper floor of the hotel, way up above, someone, YELLS:

RANDOM VOICE
AND I’M FUCKIN’ SICK OF YOUR GAY MARACAS!

THE TWO GAY MARACAS are thrown out the window IN SLOW MOTION, and they land together on the grass, stuck to the soil.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
I’m so glad we’re outta there.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
They were totally dysfunctional musicians.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.

CONCHITA PUFFS from the cigarette and sidles up to RONALDO.

CONCHITA
Hey... I like your bottle.

All the Puppets are ASSEMBLED IN A TABLEAU. 

The picture FADES TO: BLACK AND WHITE. 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS 

The picture showing on a TV screen behind LORO, we PULL BACK, and reveal LORO.

SEÑOR LORO
After that moment we realized that we were a family. So, we decided to pool our efforts into what we do best, pretend like we’re good at doing something. Then we realized that’s shit -- so we decided to put on a show!

EXT. HOTEL ALLEYWAY - PAST

HOTEL GUEST exits, walks around the side and sees CONCHITA within the TABLEAU.

HOTEL GUEST
CONCHITA!

CONCHITA
Yes, Mister Franco.

HOTEL GUEST
I left your money on top of the TV and you didn’t take it.

CONCHITA
I don’t want your lousy money, I need a show!

MISTER FRANCO walks to the building across from the HOTEL in the same alleyway. There’s a door there.

MISTER FRANCO
Conchita, look, I told you, no one wants to rent --
And now we can read the sign: “THE CACA STUDIO THEATRE”.

MISTER FRANCO (CONT’D)
THE CACA STUDIO THEATRE.

He puts up a red sign that reads CONDEMNED.

SEÑOR LORO
WAIT!

MISTER FRANCO
What do you want, parrot?

SEÑOR LORO
We can pool ourseleves together everyone, and with today’s digital technology it’s possible to have our own show!

ALL THE PUPPETS
YAY!

SEÑOR LORO
We’ll make you a deal you can’t refuse!

MISTER FRANCO
You got moola?

SEÑOR LORO
Everyone, put out what’s in your pockets!

They put it all into the hand of Mister Franco.

MISTER FRANCO
This looks like lint, a piece of a button, a seashell, and a bottle cap.

SEÑOR LORO
That’s what we got.

MISTER FRANCO
I only work with money, Señor.

SEÑOR LORO
Loro. It’s Señor Loro to you.

MISTER FRANCO
Show me the money.

NAKED BOB
Okay, okay, I’m in for thirty-five cents.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
I have no pockets.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.

MARIO
I’ve been waiting tables, so I’ve got fifteen dollars.

PONCH
I’ve got five in.

SEÑOR LORO
And I’ve got the rest.

MISTER FRANCO examines his hands full of dollars and coins.

MISTER FRANCO
I’m sorry to inform you, twenty-five bucks isn’t enough.

ALL THE PUPPETS look at CONCHITA, who stands right in front of MISTER FRANCO.

CONCHITA
Who? Me? Why’s everyone staring at me?

She huffs. Looks up at the sky for mercy. She turns, and slowly DESCENDS THE FRAME until her head is on his CROTCH.

CUT TO:

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS 

SEÑOR LORO
It was lucky for us that Conchita was there to blow us out of a jam.

NEWS REPORTER
And in that little studio on Ocean Drive in South Beach is where all the magic started?

SEÑOR LORO
For the twenty-five bucks and the ongoing fellatio, I was able to do the pre-production work and the budgeting spreadsheets, to cobble together the first LosTiteres dot TV show! We were lucky also that I came up with what I thought was the gibberish name: LosTiteres.TV -- lucky for us, it means THE PUPPETS in Spanish!

NEWS REPORTER
Don’t you speak Spanish?

SEÑOR LORO
We all speak Spanish, but we never use the word puppet.

INT. MONTAGE - SCENES FROM LOSTITERES.TV

NEWS REPORTER (O.S.)
And in the next few years, you -- an immigrant bird from communist Cuba, produced some of the most monumentally ground breaking comedy on the internet.

THREE AWKWARD, BLURB MOMENTS from webisodes are intercut. 

INT. CORPORATION KID’S PLAYROOM - DAY

A FANCY FLATSCREEN TV is playing the interview with the bird. We watch the onscreen MONTAGE over the yellow shirted shoulder and red hair of an anonymous puppet character.

ON THE TV, Señor Loro accepts an AWARD.

SEÑOR LORO
I’d like to thank the Academy of Puppet Motion Pictures for this award, presented to the show for portraying the Most Riveting Illegitimate Bastard Child Birthed Live During a Scene. I’d like to thank my moms, and all y’all from the hood, and oh yeah, God.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS 

NEWS REPORTER
And days after receiving that coveted award, you were shut down by the FCC, who curiously has only shut down your website, yet turned a blind eye to pornography. In other words, you puppets are more offensive than dirty, smutty sex. How do you respond to that?

SEÑOR LORO
I’ve never had sex, so I feel like a virgin answering this question. We have no sponsors, nor funding for the show. We were talking to Chiquita Banana, but when we told them how we were going to place their product, they pulled out.

NEWS REPORTER
How many sponsors did you have going in?

SEÑOR LORO
One. The Plastic Surgeons Association of Haiti.

NEWS REPORTER
That’s so sad.

SEÑOR LORO
Oh, it’s okay, those guys are butchers.

INT. CORPORATION KID’S PLAYROOM - CONTINUOUS

Over the shoulder of the UNKNOWN puppet, we see him MUNCH on CHOCOLATE PIECES. 

INT. STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

SEÑOR LORO
So, that’s SORT OF how it all happened. Now, we’re hoping that someone out there who has a dream to be in a show and a bank account to finance it -- we’re hoping that they’ll come to LosTiteres.TV, and keep the dream alive by helping a brotha out.

NEWS REPORTER
It’s been a great interview, Señor Loro.

SEÑOR LORO
What? We’re just getting started!

NEWS REPORTER
This isn’t a telethon.

SEÑOR LORO
But we didn’t talk about my award!

NEWS REPORTER
That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Join us next week, when we’ll have a special report about the ongoing medical problem of foam crumbling disease facing puppets today. Till then this is --

Señor Loro lunges at his camera, as it is PULLED AWAY!

SEÑOR LORO
No, I’m not done talking. Stop!

NEWS REPORTER (O.S.)
Señor Loro, these acts of desperation mar your character.

SEÑOR LORO
NOOO! Our show will go under!

PULLING THE CAMERA TOWARDS HIMSELF:

NEWS REPORTER
That’s horrible... And that’s the end of our report.

LIGHTS OUT. CAMERA WINDS DOWN. CLICKS OFF.

WIDE ANGLE - Everyone takes a deep sigh as the broadcast is over.

SEÑOR LORO
Aren’t you gonna help?

NEWS REPORTER
We’re the media. We don’t get involved. We report news, not ambition... Get a real show.

SEÑOR LORO
But you have the camera, maybe...

NICKY
Camera’s outta battery, dude. It’s over.

INT. CORPORATION KID’S PLAYROOM

Señor Loro’s face is FREEZE FRAMED on the FLAT SCREEN while he’s SCRAMBLING FOR THE CAMERA.

SCHMEDLEY
Perfect. They’re desperate.

THE CAMERA REVOLVES AROUND SCHMEDLEY, revealing him eating the last of his chocolates.

SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
I think I’m gonna own myself a show!

NURSE SISSY looks at him suspiciously.

NURSE SISSY
What are you mumbling about Schmedley?

SCHMEDLEY
Never mind, Nurse Sissy.

He walks out of the room.

INT. HALLYWAY - CORPORATE ENVIRONMENT

As Schmedley walks out the door, Nurse Sissy is right after him. She’s an older woman, and is having none of this.

NURSE SISSY
Schmedley, you get back here this instant! Your father told me you were not to leave.

SCHMEDLEY
Did he tell you to suck on one of my Schmedley Schparky Schocolate Balls?

NURSE SISSY
That’s disgusting! Someone should wash your little twelve year old mouth out with soap!

SCHMEDLEY
I have no glands to taste it, your torture would be wasted old woman!

He rounds the hallway.

INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

SCHMEDLEY lumbers towards the door.

SECRETARY puts down her magazine and nail kit when she sees him and panics.

SECRETARY
Now, Schmedley, we’ve warned you about this!

SCHMEDLEY
GET OUTTA MY WAY, SLUT!

SECRETARY
Your father’s busy -- you fat little son of a --! 

Schmedley waddles into his father’s office:

INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - DAY

SCHMEDLEY runs in and sits in a chair, very EXCITED. 

His father, MR. SCHPARKY is an obese Human with skin made of patchwork fleece, making him look both fatter and puppet-like. He beats the phone receiver on the edge of his desk then barks into it:

MR. SCHPARKY
TELL ‘EM THEY’RE FIRED!!!

He slams the phone down. The SECRETARY walks into the room, in front of the looming wooden desk, shaking in her heels.

SECRETARY
I told him he wasn’t allowed to --

MR. SCHPARKY
You’re fired!

SECRETARY
I’m sorry, I tried to stop him!

MR. SCHPARKY
Don’t you yell at my son, Mrs. Whore!

SECRETARY
I’d be really insulted if that weren’t actually my name.

CUT TO:

HER DESK  - NAME PLATE: “MRS. WHORE.”

She runs past Schmedley as he laughs.

SECRETARY
(in tears)
Your father’s a monster!

MR. SCHPARKY
Yeah, I AM a MONSTER! But not in the way you THINK!

SCHMEDLEY
(terribly out of breath)
Dad! Dad! I saw this amazing thing on the TV! A parrot with -- and he’s got his own show -- He’s red and crazy! And they’re weak, and bleeding, ‘cause they got no dough for the show! See, Dad, I can control the financially downtrodden, have them at the mercy of my every creative whim?! ‘Cause best of all... you’re Loaded, and we can buy it and sell millions of SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES!

MR. SCHPARKY
Good. Whatever you want, Schmedley. I gotta hire a new exec VP. I called her whore, but that’s not really her name.

SCHMEDLEY
Dad, you’re totally cool.

When SCHMEDLEY says this, it’s as if the sky opens up for his father. His eyes widen and grow soft -- he clearly, deeply loves his son.

MR. SCHPARKY
That’s what I like to hear... Now GET OUT! GODDAMMNIT, I have work to do!

SCHMEDLEY
What about the money?

MR. SCHPARKY
Use your American Express Card like a big boy.

SCHMEDLEY
I never leave home without it.

He ushers Schmedley out. SLAMS the DOOR on him!

***************

Stay Tuned for our next Installment, coming in March!