Binders Full of Women

My Fellow Americanos ~

In a recent debate, Mitt Romney said that when trying to staff his cabinet as governor in the state of Massachusetts, he looked to put women into the mix, and upon his request (perhaps, because he didn't personally know any women), they handed him a "binder full of women" from which to choose.

Now, I get handed a binder full of puppets daily... Today I got one from Mortimer Weasel, along with some kind of Valium pill, he subtly keeps placed in a Judy Garland Pez Dispenser.

Of course, my puppets are Titeres, not Muppets, as I display in the meme picture my presidential campaign has put out. I put them there to make a point.

We're all in this together. That's why I want to fly to the Million Muppet March happening in D.C. this November 3rd. But god knows at my age, the wings are not what they used to be -- and if you expect me to fly coach, olvidalo -- for-get it.

They don't have nearly enough overhead storage on planes these days. I'd take an automobile, but I'm afraid of passing one of those "trucks full of chickens" that you always see in the movies.

Then, I'll just feel sorry for them, and it'll bust up my high... I'd try a bike, but for that I'd walk, which brings me back to -- never mind. I'll stay on my nest, but send positive vibes and blog all about it.

Last week, I got a binder, and looked inside. Full of puppet resumes... Ugh... And that Valium pill just hit me making me partially nauseated and dizzy.

There was ALF. Although his feature film just got greenlit, let's hope they don't give him E.T.'s treatment: No Sequels. Yes, you'll make a bundle, but outside of posing for pictures with Michael Jackson, you'll never see him again.

Yoda is desperate -- since CGI Yoda has taken over the movies, the puppet version is dying for something. But what can you put him in? A section about the swamps of Boca Raton? I mean, really.

The guy does magic tricks, and is heavy into that weird Jedi cult... He could hurt somebody with that light saber, and mostly, I won't hire him because he smells like a bog.

No, no, really, these are the people that apply.

Then, there's the Snuggle bear, who has plenty of experience on television. No web series to speak of. And the web is where it's at. Not that old Flicker thing in the theatre and the Boob Tube!

Snuggle's resume says he's a part of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, and the National Theatre of London -- mailing lists... Which is impressive.

But he's impossible -- thinks himself high and mighty, just 'cause he smells fresh and prevents static cling. We've got plenty of puppets trying to pitch things around here to have one more who's clinging to his fame for dear life.

Look, he sold his soul out to that self-named product, and now, I doubt highly that the audience will see him as anyone else.

And then BOOM!

Right through my door, waltz a bunch of paper bags, and I don't mean blown in by the WIND, I mean, deliberately puppet spirited, roughly multi-featured faced creatures which smelled of movie theatres and broken dreams. Fuck! ... It was the Fandango puppets.

What the hell do they want with me...?

They've fallen out of style with the movie theatres and now they're descending on Me!

Once they start in on me, I have to remind them that they sold their souls to that Ad Campaign for Fandango. One of 'em's like.

"Why does that mean we can't to nothin' else?"

"Because they own you. You signed a contract," I respond as reasonably as I can.

"You're prejudiced against recycled paper bags. You're anti-Green!"

I"m like: "Well go tell it to Kermit the Frog. I couldn't give a Culo Raton."

So they beg and they plead, and in this little office filled with books and knick-knacks, I begin to become overwhelmed, and I start hypervenilating.

Most embarrassingly, I grabbed their leader at one given point and put him to my beak -- to help with the hyperventilation.

In a clump, they all "oohed"... I don't know what that meant... I suppose it was a big violation, because that paper bag was ready to explode!

"You give us jobs in this shitty web series, or we're going to find a way to bring your operation down, Señor Loco!"

"That's Loro -- and you know what? Go ahead. Try to bring us down. We will fall like a deck of cards. Because I'm a weak leader who not only leads from behind, I also follow from behind and stomp on your behind. I'm trying to run a show here, like the great Ricky Ricardo -- inventing the sitcom no less!... I'm only trying to do a funny, satirical show with an edgy sense of parody, is that something you're against?.... How many puppet shows have lasted this long on the internet? Since 2007! Not many. We have out lived, Brad Pitt & Jen's relationship, through various incarnations of Britney Spears, and now you think you can put a stop to my show because I won't put you on it?"

"Yeah..." says the one in the old lady get up within the mob.

"Look, people, I'm bi-sack-tual... When they ask me if I wan't paper or plastic, I don't care, I'll take either. It's nothing personal. But right now, I'm sure you guys are legally bound to Fandango. Is one of you paper bags a lawyer?"

"No," says the paper lag leader, dressed like a Mexican Wrestler.

"Well then I suggest, you rethink this tactic."

I get up and start walking the few short steps towards the doors to my office. Conchita is supposed to be my secretary and be on guard, and now God knows where she went.

"Are you sure there's nothing?"

"No, I'm so sorry everyone..."

Rumble, rumble... and they reluctantly edge towards the exit...

"I am not insulted that you used me to breathe. I understand."

"No hard feelings... I'm glad you guys are so civilized."

And then a giant regurgitation we birds get, stimulated by the Valium pill up-chucked inside me -- and out of reflex, I reached out for help and I regurgitated, let's say inside the guy dressed in the miniature paper business suit and hat with the macaroni hair...

It was a disaster...

So I offered them all jobs, and they accepted, and then the turned me down when they found out it wasn't on camera, but to sit upside down in all the studio and help collect the trash.

I took a look around at the United Nations of paper puppets standing before me and I said:

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! So now when I offer you a job, you don't wanna get yourselves dirty?! IT'S A DIRTY BUSINESS, SHOW BUSINESS!"

And I think I scared them the hell outta show business, because it's been a few hours and they haven't come back...

I need A FREE Round-trip Ticket and accommodations to Washington D.C. to be a part of the Million Muppet March in favor of PBS.

Because although I'm not a Muppet, I'm sure they're distant cousins to us Titeres...

And I don't want you to think that I was against the brown paper bag puppets because they didn't have arms, or rods to move the ones they had.

I don't oppose using them because their paper is made brown, or that they're ugly as shit -- most importantly, I use them sparingly in our webisodes, because I don't like to tell it to their faces, quite frankly, they're highly flammable.

Binders Full of Puppet Love,

Señor Loro
Puppet Party Candidate for President of the United States
Host of the web series, LosTiteres.TV and
Señor Loro's Stand Up Extravaganza!