Alfonso's Christmas Message to Martha & The Kids

Some fathers don't keep up with their kids ever and much less during the holiday season. It's not easy, especially in the case of Alfonso, who has quite a few kids.

Here is a brief message from a good guy at heart, who might be referred to by his wife as a dirty rat...

Happy Holidays to all of you and remember, be good to your kin.

Love and feathers,
Señor Loro

Season's Saludos from Señor Loro

Hola, Mis Amigos!

I always wonder if there's anyone out there watching our frail little webisode show, and I'd bet that there is really no one on Earth watching what goes on with Latino puppets. I can only hope that somewhere out on another planet, they have access to our transmissions. At least someone will be getting a chuckle.

I take my job seriously. It's a job I gave myself out of the love of my puppet pals, their talents and the fact that I'm hoping to one day turn this over, hook, line and sinker to Goggle ads and have them make it look busier than a MySpace page on crack, who just vomited some flashing gifs. You cyber-geeks out there know what I'm talking about...

Most of you, though, and by most of you, I mean the people that populate the fictional giant audience I have in my imagination -- you want to know what happened behind the scenes that influenced this webisode, and it's not so much what happened behind the scenes as what happened behind the walls.

I heard some rumbling back there, behind the wall next to my producer desk, which is old and wooden and might have some white bird crap stains on it, I won't explain how they got there. Okay, I will, my carrier pigeon friends come over and bring me my medicinal X-pills every once in a while, and they're messy...

But to the side of my desk there's one of those stereotypical rodent holes in the wooden walls you've all seen on Tom & Jerry. That's where Alfonso, our lawyer and regular commentator lives. I figured, like he's spoken of in the past while smoking his cigar, which perturbs me to no end -- that this is where he lives with his wife and 800 kids. As it turns out, he also invites poker playing pals from God-knows where to gamble in the walls...

If we get the FBI busting these already fragile walls down, that'll be it. Show's over, doors closed, end of puppet story. So, as usual, I'm worried about the worst happening, while trying to put together our pilot episode for a new cable channel in Houston for a station called Mi Casa Broadcasting. They contacted us recently about giving our show a test run, and we couldn't be more excited!

To celebrate the oncoming season of mirth and joy, I recently came out to deliver my Xmas monologue by trashing Fidel Castro. This is one of my yearly traditions which I do year round. He's perfect to mock this time of year. He's tall and always dresses in green and stole Christmas from the Cubans; let's face it, he's the living GRINCH!

So to make fun of this bearded Sergeant Buzzkill, and to exercise my freedom of speech, I love to roast Fidel. God knows if I showed up back at his mansion in Cuba and he caught me, the dinner menu would include roast parrot.

Alfonso is dear, don't get me wrong, but he's a handful as you'll see from the video. Hey, we want to be all inclusive here and we don't discriminate against grey people, but more and more I tend to find them debaucherous...

My stress is producing these two new episodes I promised to that Houston station, while still keeping the integrity of our online programming... That's funny, when you read "integrity", I saw your mind chuckle.

Okay, LOOK! (As most TV pundits say when they're stalling to mentally grope for an idea.) Look -- I admit we don't have but one writer. I admit that there's little to no integrity to anything on the show. I have about as much integrity as John McCain dealing with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" -- I will dance about and waffle more than Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles, and you will never pin me down on the issue I hear of time and time again: "This show's crap, give it up, Loro."

I believe in this show as much as McCain believes that gays should not be in the military because they belong safe and sound at home, not off fighting wars, where they might get killed. I'm just trying to keep my show safe and sound.

One writer. I trust him. He's not funny, he's not clever, but he always shows up to work and brings some crap he hacked out of his pea-brain. And since we're puppets, we think it's brilliant!

I know we're stupid because people have told us so. I admit it. They've also said our green/blue screen work is poor. Acknowledged. And the style of the show is off-putting... They've also said the writing is weak and that the freedom to post videos on the internet should stop with us.

Are we backing off? I say "No". How many of you bitches have a show that appeals to our giant demographic of English speaking Latinos ages 18-35, who constantly smoke week and feel bereft of Muppets that represent them? I'll tell you how many: As of today, Zip, Zilch, Zero. I say we at LosTiteres.TV have cornered a niche market. Or maybe we've cornered ourselves into this crazy dream that one day we'll be stars... Who knows? And if you're psychic and you do know, don't tell us.

I will fight with every feather on my body, and then with a few on my cap to keep this lousy show going. You know why? ... Because this is one the most miserable financial seasons ever in America.

And all we've got left, the only joy we still have is freedom of speech, net neutrality and laughter. As long as those are in place and I'm able to webcast my humor aimed sharply at Fidel's nuts into the universe, I will... Kept me caged for ages that bastard did. Only wanted me to repeat after him... Comemierda.

So, not to appear downtrodden, I am very pleased to announce this next webisode where I try to perform stand-up comedy before our live studio audience. You never see them because we get them sauced them up before the show. The online audience is in my head. The studio audiences is real... The guy who whistles regularly is actually a big drunk bear in a pin-striped orange suit, who generally knows how to hold his liquor -- except he likes to do that "two fingers in your mouth" whistle.

Hopefully with a couple of television episodes in Houston this empire can begin to grow into a huge conglomerate like Disney! Maybe we can then move our offices out of this condemned crack house in South Beach.

That would be espectacular! My little dream of starting a show with my Hispanic hipster friends will have become a national American cross-over sensation! Only then they'll replace me with Kermit the Frog.

Maybe producing this show independently is the best way to go? Granted, my current funding source is 50% from a cheap Hollywood actor and the other 50% from the spare change I pluck with my beak from the water fountain in front of JC Penny.

I worry one day they'll bust me. I attract attention.

I'm red with festive plumage and from behind I look like Elmo.

Season's Saludos!
Your Loving Parrot Holiday Guide
Señor Loro
Producing Parrot, LosTiteres.TV

Schmedley Schparky Schow - Schocolate Scandals

It's Thanksgiving again ~ a time of mourning for all poultry in the United States. Yes, this is the time of year, when our soul-brothers, the turkeys, get the axe. It's a yearly holocaust, and we're so glad that this year the president pardoned two turkeys instead of one. I was hoping I'd be the second.

Thankfully, although related to the turkey, we parrots are a lot more advanced. We don't "gobble, gobble" all day, we know how to cuss you out.

So Schmedley came into my line of vision today at our studios in Hollywood, his eyebrows moving around on his forehead indicating mystery, arrogance and perpetual sarcasm... He wanted to shoot another one of his shows.

Recently, when the webisode show I'm running here went sour, I'm sad to say, I caved in to the corporate monster and allowed Schmedley to come sell his chocolate wares on the show, even though I really wanted to keep everything more like PBS. You know, sponsored by the viewers... We haven't gotten our act together to really stage a telethon on our own behalf, but I'm pretty sure if I called Jerry Lewis, he'd do it.

What else has he got to do?

So, Schmedley let me know that he wanted to do a thing where he "set the record straight" and also the latest corporate logo cartoon dish. You have to see it to understand what he's doing. To tell you the truth, I barely know what I'm doing.

I said yes, because I have a large heart when it comes to corporations funding us. I mean, look, in the United States, a corporation has all the rights of a person. Our next president is going to be sponsored by one! ... That's why I'm formally announcing my run for the 2012 presidency.

My slogan is: "I'm a puppet and I admit it."

All I know is that I like to eat seeds and that I'm trying to run a show that no one watches, but that I know will be important to the landscape of puppets on the internet for Eternity! Or at least until we have a major server crash in the U.S., then I'm going to have to re-upload all this shit and -- look, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Now, here he is: Schmedley Schparky.

If you go by the YouTube description on the webisode it says:

"Proudly overweight, chocolate company owning, prepubescent Schmedley Schparky's back on his own schow to schquelch rumors about his parents and discuss the latest Hot Schocolate Topics in the lives of his corporate logo peers: The Snuggle Bear and the Geico Gecko."

Please enjoy your Thanksgiving... Latinos have a special Saint that comes to us this time of year and we celebrate him by eating like pigs. His name? Ask any Spanish speaker: San Gibing.

Hugs to Yo Momma,
Señor Loro, Parrot Producer
A Little Thing Called LosTiteres.TV

EL AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO ~ "The Package" ~ Titerenovela

As the American soap opera dies off, the telenovela is thriving on Spanish television and now the internet! We are bringing that unbridled joy to the web, mostly! ... In essence, we have created our own genre and coined our own Spanish wor for it; the TITERENOVELA!

One of our most ambitious projects here at LosTiteres.TV has been to create the internet's first telenovela starring puppets. We created a webisode that explored just that which got us much praise and garnered many awards -- in our own minds.

EL AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO ~ "The Package" ~ In English



I do think that Conchita and Ronaldo are special performers and by "special", I mean, not all there. However, that wacky sensibility of not knowing where you are standing at any given moment adds to their charm.

Are they in love? .... That's a great question since I've never really seen them together. They have some arrangement where they sleep in separate beds and stay away from each other as much as possible. They will tell you in private that it's to keep the marriage "fresh" and "special"... Yeah, same word I used to describe them.

I'm not here to wreck their marriage or to start false rumors. Although if that landed us being talked about on an episode of The View or Wendy Williams, we wouldn't mind. We're so down and out, we wouldn't mind it if Maury got together with Jerry Springer and did an hour long special on how all us puppets at LosTiteres.TV are bastards! ... Even bad publicity is good publicity.

One of the GREAT things we've been looking forward to on our show is the idea of producing the show in English and in Spanish, thereby doubling our audience! I am proud to announce, we have done just that!

Below you will find the second webisode of our outrageously popular telenovela: "El AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO". In our second somewhat romantic webisode of the mildly anticipated next chapter in the love between Conchita & Ronaldo, we find them both in the midst of high Latin drama... The postman is delivering to Conchita while Ronaldo is lost in a parking lot.

EL AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO ~ "El Paquete" ~ En Español



Hope you enjoy our plastic madness!

Besitos,
Señor Loro
Titere-Novela Producer

Mary Juana - Yes on Prop 19 in California

California's Mary Juana hangs in the balance. Activist Mary Juana takes on his/her own political struggle.

In line with many illegal immigrants, she/he argues she/he needs to be legalized and homegrown.

We at LosTiteres.TV are not political, but we do support a plant's First Amendment rights and their right to choose.

We have to take her/him seriously because like many of our politicians, he/she is also a puppet.

So get out there and VOTE your conscience today.

And in case you're in Cali and unconscious, go vote anyway, and stop tokin' the weed you should be out there VOTING to legalize!

Señor Loro
Actively Seeking Sponsorship
(Will take it from the Marijuana Industry.)

Alfonso's ~ IT GETS BETTER

Here's an "old-timey" nod to a "WB cartoon"-style diddy for all the "grey" kids out there from ALFONSO, an upbeat message of: "It Gets Better"...!

We here at LosTiteres.TV are a mixed crowd of all types of puppets and even though Conchita may snicker, we are all one big happy familia!

Señor Loro

MARY JUANA wit da 420 - "Barak Obama" - Part 1

Listen you guys, this marijuana plant came into my life in a very strange way, which I tell in the feature film version of my story, so don't think for a minute that I'm going to reveal the origins of this plant come to life anytime soon! At least not without a book deal.

But what I do have to agree with is the fact that there is nothing more to do than love her. Please do not breathe una palabra of this to Conchita, because she would have me spayed and neutered -- but if you actually go to the YouTube ratings -- well, let's just say she gets downloaded more times than Conchita at the restroom of her favorite Miami bar: El Coo-Chie Coo-Chie Bar & Grill.

But here I have brought in an expert actor, Frank Lawson, to guest star, and play some guy named "Henry" I made up, and all of a sudden, she's confusing everything in her haze of crazy. And you may blame me and call me a charlatan, an internet P.T. Barnum of Puppetry, if you will. You might say that my show is funded by whatever scraps and coins I find thrown away from Miami homeless people.

I have cobbled this show together out of -- well, it would gross you out to tell you. Suffice it to say that as a bird, you'll make a nest out of band-aids and poo... It's true... Here I'm putting on your precious computer screen, which you only use to watch important pornographic content, with this utter nonsense.

I really apologize. But maybe if you toke it up before you watch, you'll get something out of it. After the closing credits, there's my parrot version of an "Easter Egg"... or maybe it's just me coming to terms with doom.

Well, my friends I am awkward and sort of proud to present to you, one of our biggest downloaded characters, who has grown up green with only water and fertilizer from my very own dung... Here's the redheaded girl that begs to be legalized... You know 'er. She's the most downloaded.

Señor Loro,
Parrot Producer & Hipmeister

P.S. We are looking for a sponsor. Conchita wants it to be Chiquita Bananas, and I like it, but I wonder if that's too "on the nose".

Mortimer Weasel salutes Bernice Silver for her 97th Birthday

Hello, Mis Amigos,

This is your favorite awkward, defeated bird writing to you, as I have for years about the latest and the greatest involving LosTiteres.TV!

The best part of my report to you today is that for once we don't have some maniacal, tired drag queen looking, monster with the face of a Mayan etching on the wall of The Chupacabra Temple in Mixoacan talking crap about movie and tv stars that could be helping us out. And by that, I mean Conchita talking all sorts of scandal about Eva Longoria, and calling Lea DeLaria a "fat singer".

I mean, really, Conchita...

But I'm like Barbara Walters, I will call the people on my show out for their ugliness. And Conchita is one of those puppets that I know will offend, and I feel two ways about it. On the one hand, she is certifiably LOCA, but on the other hand, if we don't have her to stir things up, you'd have no one to be mad at. Think of her as my Bill O'Reilly.

Now I was typing up some Twitter notes in my cramped office, when in through the door barged Mortimer Weasel with his microphone, asking me about the recent hating going on in LosTiteres.TV and I found myself having a deer caught in headlights in the middle of Times Square moment.

So, he pitched this idea about how we should do more uplifting pieces that make people happy, and that Bernice Silver -- and at this point he hopped on my desk -- deserved some attention, being the reigning Queen of Potpourri at the Puppeteers of America! And boom, he zinged the mike next to my beak.

Of course I said 'yes'. I mean, we have no programming of worth! You've seen this show! ... The material's crappy at best. I'm just a puppet parrot people!!! I'm trying to keep this entertainment going in spite of the fact that we have no sponsors and that we desperately want to do commercials for Chiquita Bananas! (Conchita has submitted an endless amount of ideas to me about what she would do to sell bananas; and no, I'm not considering any one of them.) But the point is that we puppets are very creative. We'll find any way we can to advertise your product -- even if we end up Farging it Up in the end.

So, I looked at Mortimer Weasel, who watched me space off and think all of this... He seemed entertained, because a thought bubble had appeared over my head and shown my whole process to him. When I came to, I said:

"Mortimer... This is a Latino show, and Bernice Silver is not Latino, we do not have the budget or the luxury to be throwing "Happy Birthdays" around to everyone that turns 100! Look at my plumage! It's falling off!"

"Is it moulting season?" asked Mortimer Weasel.

"Oh -- That's Why... I've been worried I had a problem... But in any case, Bernice Silver, even though she may be royalty, does not deserve to be singled out with an entire webisode, when only the Puppeteers of America know her. We need Wide Appeal!"

Mortimer rolled his eyes at me, and leaned back in the chair crossing his slender legs. He nodded no and then Threw The Microphone at me, and it hit me right on the forehead!

"You're a phony!" he said. "You came here to represent the people, remember! You came from Castro's Cuba to make a show that displayed diversity and the richness of Latin culture, didn't you! That's why every character that appears on your show isn't stereotypically Latino, right?"

"Yes, exactly." And then he jumped on my desk, and from behind him, pulled out the picture of Bernice Silver that's in the webisode now. He shoved it directly in my ping-pong ball line of vision.

"Look at this old lady and tell me you don't LOVE HER and you don't even KNOW her."

He slowly pulled down the picture. I looked down at my list of things to do:

1. Futz Around on the Internet (Check)
2. Turn Down a Project (Check)
3. Do Something that Comes from your Heart

"You're tugging at my heart strings you dirty Nocturnal Weasel!"

And he gleamed a rare weasel smile/grimace at me.

"Aaaaaalright, esta bien," I said. "Make your darn video, but be sure that it's back stage and you do it when I'm not looking and everyone's on break."

"That's 90% of the time..." And I arched my usually immobile brow at Mortimer...

So here is the video. I'm posting it for you to see... But I haven't seen it, and I'm looking the other way. I think it cost us in editing time.

Well, Felicidadez to La Señorita Silver. Hope you have many more cumpleaños to come!

See? In the end, we really are Nice Titeres.

Begrudingly,
Señor Loro
Puppet Parrot Producer
LosTiteres.TV

Conchita's SHOUT OUT to Eva Longoria

Hello Mis Amigos,

Once again, I, Señor Loro, ambivalently present Conchita spouting off at the mouth.

I have no idea if she means to be friendly with these female stars she's shouting out at, or if she simply means to be mean.

I'm going to take her at her word when she sarcastically says: "Oh you silly pajaro, don't worry. I'm just trying to get us some well deserved attention."

First of all, "pajaro" means "bird" in Spanish, but it's also slang for homosexual, which I happen not to be. So, see? I have to take her at her word that everything she says is meant to be nice. But something tells me that she's always been a little psycho.

What can I say? Unbelievably, she has a huge fan base of people who love for her to offend... Then again, I've been to a Kathy Griffin concert and comparatively speaking, Conchita's a light weight.

Enjoy our crazy DIVA's latest rant, a SHOUT OUT to Eva Longoria.

Be warned, it's neither funny nor longoria (it's only 58 seconds).

Alfonso's Legalize Grey Marriage Ad

Really, mis amigos, I generally don't like to get too political on the show. But I suppose this issue of marriage is really affecting us all.

Alfonso Ratberg Boca Raton Gonzalez is one of the newest additions to the LosTiteres.TV family. Little did we know that not only was he openly grey, but also a lawyer! Now, with a plea to the American people, Alfonso raises his voice to promote the legalization of grey marriage.

For many years grey people have been held back from having the same rights as everyone else. This new viral infomercial video will reveal the benefits of grey marriage to a lawyer. Namely: Grey Divorce.

THE MORTIMER WEASEL SHOW

Mortimer the Weasel, deeply voiced, concerned weasel who interviews famous holiday figures. This exciting episode: The Easter Bunny. Won a Peabody Award last year for his explosive documentary on the mating rituals of the New Guinea weasel, during the making of which, he was briefly arrested... Highly upper crust, probing, opinionated; Mortimer uncovers the bunny behind Easter with the finesse and buoyancy of the impetuous and perfectionist star personality he is... Enjoy the first time you meet the incomparable Mister Mortimer the Weasel and his first interviewee ever, The Inimitable... Easter Bunny.

Señor Loro Auditions a New Puppet

My Dear friends,

I know you guys are trying to be kind when you send new puppets my way. I know you're trying to see variety and exciting new faces on the show -- but sometimes the people you send my way are questionable at best.

This guy came in and said his name is Crystaal Corona, which is strange enough, but then he proceeded to tell me what his talents are, and that's where he lost me.

This is the last time I trust Mario Mariposa to send me talent.

Señor Loro
Exasperated & Confused