Mortimer Weasel salutes Bernice Silver for her 97th Birthday

Hello, Mis Amigos,

This is your favorite awkward, defeated bird writing to you, as I have for years about the latest and the greatest involving LosTiteres.TV!

The best part of my report to you today is that for once we don't have some maniacal, tired drag queen looking, monster with the face of a Mayan etching on the wall of The Chupacabra Temple in Mixoacan talking crap about movie and tv stars that could be helping us out. And by that, I mean Conchita talking all sorts of scandal about Eva Longoria, and calling Lea DeLaria a "fat singer".

I mean, really, Conchita...

But I'm like Barbara Walters, I will call the people on my show out for their ugliness. And Conchita is one of those puppets that I know will offend, and I feel two ways about it. On the one hand, she is certifiably LOCA, but on the other hand, if we don't have her to stir things up, you'd have no one to be mad at. Think of her as my Bill O'Reilly.

Now I was typing up some Twitter notes in my cramped office, when in through the door barged Mortimer Weasel with his microphone, asking me about the recent hating going on in LosTiteres.TV and I found myself having a deer caught in headlights in the middle of Times Square moment.

So, he pitched this idea about how we should do more uplifting pieces that make people happy, and that Bernice Silver -- and at this point he hopped on my desk -- deserved some attention, being the reigning Queen of Potpourri at the Puppeteers of America! And boom, he zinged the mike next to my beak.

Of course I said 'yes'. I mean, we have no programming of worth! You've seen this show! ... The material's crappy at best. I'm just a puppet parrot people!!! I'm trying to keep this entertainment going in spite of the fact that we have no sponsors and that we desperately want to do commercials for Chiquita Bananas! (Conchita has submitted an endless amount of ideas to me about what she would do to sell bananas; and no, I'm not considering any one of them.) But the point is that we puppets are very creative. We'll find any way we can to advertise your product -- even if we end up Farging it Up in the end.

So, I looked at Mortimer Weasel, who watched me space off and think all of this... He seemed entertained, because a thought bubble had appeared over my head and shown my whole process to him. When I came to, I said:

"Mortimer... This is a Latino show, and Bernice Silver is not Latino, we do not have the budget or the luxury to be throwing "Happy Birthdays" around to everyone that turns 100! Look at my plumage! It's falling off!"

"Is it moulting season?" asked Mortimer Weasel.

"Oh -- That's Why... I've been worried I had a problem... But in any case, Bernice Silver, even though she may be royalty, does not deserve to be singled out with an entire webisode, when only the Puppeteers of America know her. We need Wide Appeal!"

Mortimer rolled his eyes at me, and leaned back in the chair crossing his slender legs. He nodded no and then Threw The Microphone at me, and it hit me right on the forehead!

"You're a phony!" he said. "You came here to represent the people, remember! You came from Castro's Cuba to make a show that displayed diversity and the richness of Latin culture, didn't you! That's why every character that appears on your show isn't stereotypically Latino, right?"

"Yes, exactly." And then he jumped on my desk, and from behind him, pulled out the picture of Bernice Silver that's in the webisode now. He shoved it directly in my ping-pong ball line of vision.

"Look at this old lady and tell me you don't LOVE HER and you don't even KNOW her."

He slowly pulled down the picture. I looked down at my list of things to do:

1. Futz Around on the Internet (Check)
2. Turn Down a Project (Check)
3. Do Something that Comes from your Heart

"You're tugging at my heart strings you dirty Nocturnal Weasel!"

And he gleamed a rare weasel smile/grimace at me.

"Aaaaaalright, esta bien," I said. "Make your darn video, but be sure that it's back stage and you do it when I'm not looking and everyone's on break."

"That's 90% of the time..." And I arched my usually immobile brow at Mortimer...

So here is the video. I'm posting it for you to see... But I haven't seen it, and I'm looking the other way. I think it cost us in editing time.

Well, Felicidadez to La Señorita Silver. Hope you have many more cumpleaños to come!

See? In the end, we really are Nice Titeres.

Begrudingly,
Señor Loro
Puppet Parrot Producer
LosTiteres.TV