Alfonso's Christmas Message to Martha & The Kids

Some fathers don't keep up with their kids ever and much less during the holiday season. It's not easy, especially in the case of Alfonso, who has quite a few kids.

Here is a brief message from a good guy at heart, who might be referred to by his wife as a dirty rat...

Happy Holidays to all of you and remember, be good to your kin.

Love and feathers,
Señor Loro

Season's Saludos from Señor Loro

Hola, Mis Amigos!

I always wonder if there's anyone out there watching our frail little webisode show, and I'd bet that there is really no one on Earth watching what goes on with Latino puppets. I can only hope that somewhere out on another planet, they have access to our transmissions. At least someone will be getting a chuckle.

I take my job seriously. It's a job I gave myself out of the love of my puppet pals, their talents and the fact that I'm hoping to one day turn this over, hook, line and sinker to Goggle ads and have them make it look busier than a MySpace page on crack, who just vomited some flashing gifs. You cyber-geeks out there know what I'm talking about...

Most of you, though, and by most of you, I mean the people that populate the fictional giant audience I have in my imagination -- you want to know what happened behind the scenes that influenced this webisode, and it's not so much what happened behind the scenes as what happened behind the walls.

I heard some rumbling back there, behind the wall next to my producer desk, which is old and wooden and might have some white bird crap stains on it, I won't explain how they got there. Okay, I will, my carrier pigeon friends come over and bring me my medicinal X-pills every once in a while, and they're messy...

But to the side of my desk there's one of those stereotypical rodent holes in the wooden walls you've all seen on Tom & Jerry. That's where Alfonso, our lawyer and regular commentator lives. I figured, like he's spoken of in the past while smoking his cigar, which perturbs me to no end -- that this is where he lives with his wife and 800 kids. As it turns out, he also invites poker playing pals from God-knows where to gamble in the walls...

If we get the FBI busting these already fragile walls down, that'll be it. Show's over, doors closed, end of puppet story. So, as usual, I'm worried about the worst happening, while trying to put together our pilot episode for a new cable channel in Houston for a station called Mi Casa Broadcasting. They contacted us recently about giving our show a test run, and we couldn't be more excited!

To celebrate the oncoming season of mirth and joy, I recently came out to deliver my Xmas monologue by trashing Fidel Castro. This is one of my yearly traditions which I do year round. He's perfect to mock this time of year. He's tall and always dresses in green and stole Christmas from the Cubans; let's face it, he's the living GRINCH!

So to make fun of this bearded Sergeant Buzzkill, and to exercise my freedom of speech, I love to roast Fidel. God knows if I showed up back at his mansion in Cuba and he caught me, the dinner menu would include roast parrot.

Alfonso is dear, don't get me wrong, but he's a handful as you'll see from the video. Hey, we want to be all inclusive here and we don't discriminate against grey people, but more and more I tend to find them debaucherous...

My stress is producing these two new episodes I promised to that Houston station, while still keeping the integrity of our online programming... That's funny, when you read "integrity", I saw your mind chuckle.

Okay, LOOK! (As most TV pundits say when they're stalling to mentally grope for an idea.) Look -- I admit we don't have but one writer. I admit that there's little to no integrity to anything on the show. I have about as much integrity as John McCain dealing with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" -- I will dance about and waffle more than Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles, and you will never pin me down on the issue I hear of time and time again: "This show's crap, give it up, Loro."

I believe in this show as much as McCain believes that gays should not be in the military because they belong safe and sound at home, not off fighting wars, where they might get killed. I'm just trying to keep my show safe and sound.

One writer. I trust him. He's not funny, he's not clever, but he always shows up to work and brings some crap he hacked out of his pea-brain. And since we're puppets, we think it's brilliant!

I know we're stupid because people have told us so. I admit it. They've also said our green/blue screen work is poor. Acknowledged. And the style of the show is off-putting... They've also said the writing is weak and that the freedom to post videos on the internet should stop with us.

Are we backing off? I say "No". How many of you bitches have a show that appeals to our giant demographic of English speaking Latinos ages 18-35, who constantly smoke week and feel bereft of Muppets that represent them? I'll tell you how many: As of today, Zip, Zilch, Zero. I say we at LosTiteres.TV have cornered a niche market. Or maybe we've cornered ourselves into this crazy dream that one day we'll be stars... Who knows? And if you're psychic and you do know, don't tell us.

I will fight with every feather on my body, and then with a few on my cap to keep this lousy show going. You know why? ... Because this is one the most miserable financial seasons ever in America.

And all we've got left, the only joy we still have is freedom of speech, net neutrality and laughter. As long as those are in place and I'm able to webcast my humor aimed sharply at Fidel's nuts into the universe, I will... Kept me caged for ages that bastard did. Only wanted me to repeat after him... Comemierda.

So, not to appear downtrodden, I am very pleased to announce this next webisode where I try to perform stand-up comedy before our live studio audience. You never see them because we get them sauced them up before the show. The online audience is in my head. The studio audiences is real... The guy who whistles regularly is actually a big drunk bear in a pin-striped orange suit, who generally knows how to hold his liquor -- except he likes to do that "two fingers in your mouth" whistle.

Hopefully with a couple of television episodes in Houston this empire can begin to grow into a huge conglomerate like Disney! Maybe we can then move our offices out of this condemned crack house in South Beach.

That would be espectacular! My little dream of starting a show with my Hispanic hipster friends will have become a national American cross-over sensation! Only then they'll replace me with Kermit the Frog.

Maybe producing this show independently is the best way to go? Granted, my current funding source is 50% from a cheap Hollywood actor and the other 50% from the spare change I pluck with my beak from the water fountain in front of JC Penny.

I worry one day they'll bust me. I attract attention.

I'm red with festive plumage and from behind I look like Elmo.

Season's Saludos!
Your Loving Parrot Holiday Guide
Señor Loro
Producing Parrot, LosTiteres.TV

Schmedley Schparky Schow - Schocolate Scandals

It's Thanksgiving again ~ a time of mourning for all poultry in the United States. Yes, this is the time of year, when our soul-brothers, the turkeys, get the axe. It's a yearly holocaust, and we're so glad that this year the president pardoned two turkeys instead of one. I was hoping I'd be the second.

Thankfully, although related to the turkey, we parrots are a lot more advanced. We don't "gobble, gobble" all day, we know how to cuss you out.

So Schmedley came into my line of vision today at our studios in Hollywood, his eyebrows moving around on his forehead indicating mystery, arrogance and perpetual sarcasm... He wanted to shoot another one of his shows.

Recently, when the webisode show I'm running here went sour, I'm sad to say, I caved in to the corporate monster and allowed Schmedley to come sell his chocolate wares on the show, even though I really wanted to keep everything more like PBS. You know, sponsored by the viewers... We haven't gotten our act together to really stage a telethon on our own behalf, but I'm pretty sure if I called Jerry Lewis, he'd do it.

What else has he got to do?

So, Schmedley let me know that he wanted to do a thing where he "set the record straight" and also the latest corporate logo cartoon dish. You have to see it to understand what he's doing. To tell you the truth, I barely know what I'm doing.

I said yes, because I have a large heart when it comes to corporations funding us. I mean, look, in the United States, a corporation has all the rights of a person. Our next president is going to be sponsored by one! ... That's why I'm formally announcing my run for the 2012 presidency.

My slogan is: "I'm a puppet and I admit it."

All I know is that I like to eat seeds and that I'm trying to run a show that no one watches, but that I know will be important to the landscape of puppets on the internet for Eternity! Or at least until we have a major server crash in the U.S., then I'm going to have to re-upload all this shit and -- look, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Now, here he is: Schmedley Schparky.

If you go by the YouTube description on the webisode it says:

"Proudly overweight, chocolate company owning, prepubescent Schmedley Schparky's back on his own schow to schquelch rumors about his parents and discuss the latest Hot Schocolate Topics in the lives of his corporate logo peers: The Snuggle Bear and the Geico Gecko."

Please enjoy your Thanksgiving... Latinos have a special Saint that comes to us this time of year and we celebrate him by eating like pigs. His name? Ask any Spanish speaker: San Gibing.

Hugs to Yo Momma,
Señor Loro, Parrot Producer
A Little Thing Called LosTiteres.TV

EL AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO ~ "The Package" ~ Titerenovela

As the American soap opera dies off, the telenovela is thriving on Spanish television and now the internet! We are bringing that unbridled joy to the web, mostly! ... In essence, we have created our own genre and coined our own Spanish wor for it; the TITERENOVELA!

One of our most ambitious projects here at LosTiteres.TV has been to create the internet's first telenovela starring puppets. We created a webisode that explored just that which got us much praise and garnered many awards -- in our own minds.

EL AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO ~ "The Package" ~ In English



I do think that Conchita and Ronaldo are special performers and by "special", I mean, not all there. However, that wacky sensibility of not knowing where you are standing at any given moment adds to their charm.

Are they in love? .... That's a great question since I've never really seen them together. They have some arrangement where they sleep in separate beds and stay away from each other as much as possible. They will tell you in private that it's to keep the marriage "fresh" and "special"... Yeah, same word I used to describe them.

I'm not here to wreck their marriage or to start false rumors. Although if that landed us being talked about on an episode of The View or Wendy Williams, we wouldn't mind. We're so down and out, we wouldn't mind it if Maury got together with Jerry Springer and did an hour long special on how all us puppets at LosTiteres.TV are bastards! ... Even bad publicity is good publicity.

One of the GREAT things we've been looking forward to on our show is the idea of producing the show in English and in Spanish, thereby doubling our audience! I am proud to announce, we have done just that!

Below you will find the second webisode of our outrageously popular telenovela: "El AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO". In our second somewhat romantic webisode of the mildly anticipated next chapter in the love between Conchita & Ronaldo, we find them both in the midst of high Latin drama... The postman is delivering to Conchita while Ronaldo is lost in a parking lot.

EL AMOR DE CONCHITA Y RONALDO ~ "El Paquete" ~ En Español



Hope you enjoy our plastic madness!

Besitos,
Señor Loro
Titere-Novela Producer

Mary Juana - Yes on Prop 19 in California

California's Mary Juana hangs in the balance. Activist Mary Juana takes on his/her own political struggle.

In line with many illegal immigrants, she/he argues she/he needs to be legalized and homegrown.

We at LosTiteres.TV are not political, but we do support a plant's First Amendment rights and their right to choose.

We have to take her/him seriously because like many of our politicians, he/she is also a puppet.

So get out there and VOTE your conscience today.

And in case you're in Cali and unconscious, go vote anyway, and stop tokin' the weed you should be out there VOTING to legalize!

Señor Loro
Actively Seeking Sponsorship
(Will take it from the Marijuana Industry.)

Alfonso's ~ IT GETS BETTER

Here's an "old-timey" nod to a "WB cartoon"-style diddy for all the "grey" kids out there from ALFONSO, an upbeat message of: "It Gets Better"...!

We here at LosTiteres.TV are a mixed crowd of all types of puppets and even though Conchita may snicker, we are all one big happy familia!

Señor Loro

MARY JUANA wit da 420 - "Barak Obama" - Part 1

Listen you guys, this marijuana plant came into my life in a very strange way, which I tell in the feature film version of my story, so don't think for a minute that I'm going to reveal the origins of this plant come to life anytime soon! At least not without a book deal.

But what I do have to agree with is the fact that there is nothing more to do than love her. Please do not breathe una palabra of this to Conchita, because she would have me spayed and neutered -- but if you actually go to the YouTube ratings -- well, let's just say she gets downloaded more times than Conchita at the restroom of her favorite Miami bar: El Coo-Chie Coo-Chie Bar & Grill.

But here I have brought in an expert actor, Frank Lawson, to guest star, and play some guy named "Henry" I made up, and all of a sudden, she's confusing everything in her haze of crazy. And you may blame me and call me a charlatan, an internet P.T. Barnum of Puppetry, if you will. You might say that my show is funded by whatever scraps and coins I find thrown away from Miami homeless people.

I have cobbled this show together out of -- well, it would gross you out to tell you. Suffice it to say that as a bird, you'll make a nest out of band-aids and poo... It's true... Here I'm putting on your precious computer screen, which you only use to watch important pornographic content, with this utter nonsense.

I really apologize. But maybe if you toke it up before you watch, you'll get something out of it. After the closing credits, there's my parrot version of an "Easter Egg"... or maybe it's just me coming to terms with doom.

Well, my friends I am awkward and sort of proud to present to you, one of our biggest downloaded characters, who has grown up green with only water and fertilizer from my very own dung... Here's the redheaded girl that begs to be legalized... You know 'er. She's the most downloaded.

Señor Loro,
Parrot Producer & Hipmeister

P.S. We are looking for a sponsor. Conchita wants it to be Chiquita Bananas, and I like it, but I wonder if that's too "on the nose".