Schmedley is licking his lips, eating fries dipped in chocolate.
SCHMEDLEY
Now, Don Cabeza de Papa was cooked at a 350 degree heat, and covered with a special Schmedley Schparky sauce. He was then dipped in schocolate.
ANGLE - JUST OFF-STAGE - DOÑA CABEZA DE PAPA WEEPS.
EXT. OUTSIDE - BRICK BACKGROUND - DAY
Conchita paces, holding a cell phone. CLICK, then ELEVATOR MUSIC. She sighs.
CONCHITA
I can’t believe this, the Chilean militia is outsourcing it’s underground hotline to India.
CLICK.
CUCO
(filtered)
Hallo.
CONCHITA
Cuco! Es Conchita! Necesito un VAN. NEGRO. GRANDE... GRANDISIMO! Okay?... PRONTO! EN CINCO MINUTOS!
INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUS
As he wraps up his eating...
SCHMEDLEY
Join us next week when we’ll see what’s erotic about schocolate with our next guest, the Morton Salt Girl, ‘cause rumors I’ve been dating her are true, and she likes to lick the parts of me that taste salty. See you next time, and remember -- all the previous jokes have been 99% fat free!
BLUEBOX
Aaaannndddd we’re off the air...
SCHMEDLEY ambles off the set.
SCHMEDLEY
Have a wonderful day everyone! You’ve all really been lovely to spend the day with. I’ll play with you tomorrow!
HUMANS who work as janitors around the set, SNEER at SCHMEDLEY as he walks out. Everyone HATES HIM.
ANGLE - LORO sees SCHMEDLEY head for the double doors to exit the studio.
SEÑOR LORO
Schmedley, I wanted to say -- oh, never mind.
As Schmedley opens the double doors triumphantly, they STAY OPEN -- as a BLACK VAN PULLS UP IN FRONT OF SCHMEDLEY.
TWO PUPPETS and TWO HUMAN ACCOMPLICES IN BLACK FROM HEAD TO TOE coordinate to OPEN THE VAN, and GRAB SCHMEDLEY.
They THROW HIM INTO THE VAN with a THUD.
VAN DOOR CLOSES.
ANGLE - LORO sees all of it go down... GATICA suddenly appears behind him.
GATICA
What? Something wrong?
SEÑOR LORO
No, nothing at all. As of now, it may just be going right.
INT. VAN - DAY
CONCHITA’s driving.
MARIO, and NAKED BOB pull the black stockings off their heads.
SCHMEDLEY struggles -- all tied up.
SCHMEDLEY
What’s going on?
MARIO
I can’t believe how weak you are.
SCHMEDLEY
I took kara-te! I’ll kill you! I’ll crucify you! I’ll tell my dad on youuuuuuu!
NAKED BOB
When a butterfly can hold you down, Schmedley, you know you gotta hit the gym.
SCHMEDLEY
I don’t have time for that or THIS!
NAKED BOB
I predict you’ll have a heart attack before 15.
MARIO
If we’re lucky.
SCHMEDLEY
What are you gonna do to me?
CONCHITA
Guerilla war tactics on political prisoners.
SCHMEDLEY
You’re shit outta luck ‘cause I don’t have nails on my fingers.
INT. HUMAN NEWSROOM - EVENING NEWS
NEWS REPORTER
Schmedley on a binge or kidnapped?
IMAGE: SCHMEDLEY APPEARS BEHIND HIM.
NEWS REPORTER (CONT’D)
A recent sighting indicates that Schmedley Schparky of Schocolate fame has been abducted. We’ve received e-mails from several witnesses in the greater Dade County area, who have seen him coming in and out of some shady puppet neighborhoods.
INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
An UGLY GIRL who looks kind of like SCHMEDLEY, dressed as a princess watches the report on TV, and talks back to it.
PRICILLA
Schmedley, this FAN LOVES YOU!
She goes to her window.
PRICILLA (CONT’D)
If you’re out there, I‘m thinking of you!... Unless you’re out on a binge, which should be fun.
INT. MARY JUANA’S REAL SHACK - NIGHT
Schmedley’s BLINDFOLD comes off, and he looks around the shack, set up like a HYDROPONICS LAB. SMOKE fills the air.
MARY JUANA
Breathe deeply. This is your JOURNEY INTO LATINO-NESS.
SCHMEDLEY
(his eyes red)
Ahhh. Hello, it’s you, the talking plant. Oh my god you’re like, so beautiful!
MARY JUANA
Under the right lighting, we all are.
Schmedley breathes deeply, and his irises get dilated.
SCHMEDLEY
Looking at all of these plants is making me hungry, Mary.
MARY JUANA
Your lesson here is to get in touch with the roots of all things, this is a journey into your innermost self, path towards ridding yourself of your inner greedy Wall Street asshole.
SCHMEDLEY
That’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. Do you have any frozen pizza?
MARY JUANA
It’s time for the van again. For your next adventure.
SCHMEDLEY
The van again? I wanna stay here and ponder the universe.
MARY JUANA
You need to chill out, dude. Go with the flow. This is what you need to become a true LATINO.
SCHMEDLEY
Yeah, you’re right. This is fun! MORE!
MARY JUANA
Van time...
She ushers him out the door.
INT. SEñOR LORO’S OFFICE - NIGHT
LORO is at the desk with the MR. SCHPARKY pacing in front of it. Huddled to a corner is GATICA.
MR. SCHPARKY
RIDICULOUS! How could you see such a thing and not immediately respond?! You stood there for nine minutes? Who in this world receives GRAVE, EARTH SHATTERING INFORMATION, and just SITS THERE?! STANDS THERE? For NINE MINUTES!
SEÑOR LORO
Uh ... George B -- Uh, Me?
MR. SCHPARKY
That’s right you! And I hold YOU responsible! For getting my poor, innocent son Schmedley up this creek without a schocolate!
SEÑOR LORO
Why don’t you call the police department? You own it.
MR. SCHPARKY
No self respecting police officer would go into Hialeah! You think those Latino puppet neighborhoods are safe? ... YOU FIND my Schmedley, or I’m gonna rotisserie your ass POLLO LOCO-style!
INSERT: ROTISSERIE CHICKEN GOING AROUND.
SEÑOR LORO
Uhhh...
MR. SCHPARKY
I’ll do it!
EXT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY
To establish --
INT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY
IN A BOOTH - A HUMAN DANCER GIRL writhes for RONALDO, while SCHMEDLEY watches nearby.
RONALDO
I like the way you do it, Stacy.
STACY
Isn’t that kid underage?
RONALDO
Keep your mind on the money, and the money on your mind.
STACY
I thought I saw you were married on YouTube.
RONALDO
You wanna bust my balls, or stroke them?
GIRL walks away insulted.
SCHMEDLEY
Oh no, you messed that one up, Ronaldo. She got pissed.
RONALDO
Let me tell you how we do things in Cuba and Honduras. Bitches are important, yet interchangable.
SCHMEDLEY
Wow. I would love Honduras. I’ve never even seen real titties this close before.
RONALDO
Here, Schmedley, drink this Mojito, and put this twenty in her crack.
A new HUMAN STRIPPER SHOWS up and dances.
SCHMEDLEY
Wow. This is the Best Thing I’ve ever done with my money!
EXT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY
THE BOUNCER is being hounded by SEÑOR LORO.
BOUNCER
No BIRDS.
SEÑOR LORO
Why of all the discriminatory -- but I’m looking for a titere twelve year old!
BOUNCER
No BIRDS.
SEÑOR LORO
I could be the American eagle for all you care! He could be seeing titties before he’s able to process it in his delicate little mind!
BOUNCER
I said: No BIRDS.
THE BLACK VAN pulls up behind LORO.
He turns around and gets a look at SCHMEDLEY peering at him out of the VAN’s BACK DOOR WINDOW.
SEÑOR LORO
SCHMEDLEY!
As the VAN drives off --
SCHMEDLEY
Hey, Señor Loro! SHOW ME YOUR TITS!
SEÑOR LORO
(to Bouncer)
Oh, no! I’ve gotta run after them.
BOUNCER
Why don’t you fly?
SEÑOR LORO
I thought they only racially profiled people at airports! ... Oh, all right...
Señor Loro flies after them!
INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY
GATICA is on the phone.
GATICA
Loro’s looking for him now, Mr. Schparky. I’m running the studio-slash Emergency Hotline Call Center for Schmedley Sightings.
BOOM, DOORS SWING OPEN and in stride PONCH & JIMMY wielding miniature guns ABLAZING!
GATICA (CONT’D)
Oh my goodness!
They FIRE A COUPLE of MINIATURE SHOTS.
PONCH
Just wanna let you know we mean business.
GATICA
I have to go. Someone’s aiming a beebee gun at me.
JIMMY
Not so fast --
CUT TO:
INT. BOTANICA - DAY
A Latin “botanica” (magic store)... A CRAZY RITUAL is taking place. It’s a dimly lit room with AFRO-CUBAN saints and gods on the walls, a chicken in a small cage. SCHMEDLEY is looking up at a shadow.
NAKED BOB WALKS UP TO HIM.
NAKED BOB
Now, take off your clothes. You’re about to be re-born as the son of the Afro-Cuban saint: Babaluuuu.
SCHMEDLEY
What?
NAKED BOB
Never heard of Ricky Ricardo? Babaluuuu... Your name will now be: MOCO FEO or in Spanish: UGLY BOOGER.
SCHMEDLEY
Cool.
NAKED BOB
Now, we kill this live chicken, and pour the blood on your head.
SCHMEDLEY
Awesome.
The chicken looks up like: Whaaa?
INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
LOOKING DOWN ON GATICA in THE BOX, as PONCH & JIMMY close it.
GATICA
You’ll never get away with this! I’ll scratch you!
PONCH
I’ll shoot your eye out!
Cardboard box lids close on her.
EXT. HOOKER CORNER OF BISCAYNE BLVD. - LATE AFTERNOON
Conchita talks to Schmedley, made up like a trashy hooker.
CONCHITA
Now your first trick is always the most special -- it’ll leave stretch marks that will last for years. Now, stand like this, and show your ass. And don’t let those other bitches cramp your corner.
SCHMEDLEY
You really think prostitution will make me a Latino man?
CONCHITA
Oh, it will... This is what being a Latina means to me. It’s called: Making a living for baby food.
A LIMO PULLS UP. WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.
[JOHN STAMOS or ANTHONY RAPP plays the JOHN, a completely unexpected celebrity.] OR a stately-looking, older, mustachioed GENTLEMAN.
JOHN
How much?
SCHMEDLEY
Fift---
CONCHITA
Five. Hundred. Dollars.
JOHN
Really? Why so much for this fat kid?
CONCHITA
More fresh meat, more to love, more bang for your buck.
JOHN
Get in.
CONCHITA
Pay in advance.
He hands her an envelope. She checks it.
CONCHITA (CONT’D)
Have a good time, Schmedley. Don’t let him cum on your face, it’s demoralizing. Also...
Schmedley gets in.
INSIDE - The GAY MARACAS are there snorting cocaine.
CONCHITA LEANS INTO THE LIMO WINDOW:
CONCHITA (CONT’D)
No anal, no strangling, no kissing, you break it, you buy it. No exchanges. You have two hours. Cuming is not guaranteed. And NO RIMMING, his mustache is gonna chafe, and you’ll be out of commission for a week.
LIMO PEELS OFF.
LORO RUNS UP, as CONCHITA COUNTS HER MONEY...
SEÑOR LORO
SCHMEDLEEEYYY!!
Catching his breath, he stands next to Conchita, who fans herself with the five hundred dollars.
CONCHITA
What’s wrong, Señor Loro? Feeling lonely tonight?
SEÑOR LORO
Conchita! Where are they taking Schmedley?!
CONCHITA
Probably back to a South Beach hotel for a little “suck & fuck”, you know, “party & play”. And then to an after hours club.
SEÑOR LORO
He’s in danger!
CONCHITA
Depends on how you look at it. Besides, he’s with the Gay Maracas. They’ve been on crystal meth for years now, and they’re fine. Totally straight. They know their limits.
SEÑOR LORO
Uh, he’s gonna get ass raped isn’t he...
CONCHITA
Hopefully just by one person. I remember this one time --
SEÑOR LORO
I gotta go.
INT. GAY CLUB - NIGHT
HOUSE MUSIC pounds the air. DISCO BALL and CRAZY COLORED LIGHTS.
SCHMEDLEY dances shirtless, wearing leather straps, next to THREE HUNKY GAYS and a DRAG QUEEN -- everyone: EYES LIKE SAUCERS, HUGE PUPILS, X-ING OUT OF THEIR MINDS!
In the foreground, the GAY MARACAS dance.
SCHMEDLEY gets his nipples tweaked as he dances.
SCHMEDLEY
That feels so wrong it’s right...
EXT. MIAMI SKYLINE - NIGHT
FAST MOTION - SUN COMING UP.
EXT. GAY CLUB - 5 A.M.
A HUNKY GAY opens the DOOR and SCHMEDLEY and the GAY MARACAS walk out into the sunlight.
SCHMEDLEY
Who turned on the lights?!
HUNKY GAY CELEBRITY
Hey, you guys wanna come over to my place, do some poppers and masturbate?
SCHMEDLEY
Dude, I’m totally Latino-ed out.
LORO RUNS UP, out of breath --
SEÑOR LORO
Oh, Schmedley, there you are! GRACIAS A DIOS! THANK YESUS! I’ve been looking all over for you! Schmedley, we’ve only got a few hours till the show! Your father’s gonna kill me! You have to get back to the studio with me so he can see you on the air!
SCHMEDLEY
I’m soooo tired, Señor Loro.
Señor loro sees GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1, but no #2!
SEÑOR LORO
What happened to the other Gay Mexican Maraca?
SCHMEDLEY
He’s in my pants.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2 pops out.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.
SEÑOR LORO
Let’s go!
SCHMEDLEY
Señor Loro, I just can’t go.
SEÑOR LORO
Ah, where’s a fast getaway vehicle driven by a mad person when you need one?
CONCHITA PULLS UP IN THE BLACK VAN -- SCREECHES TO A HALT!
DOOR FLIES OPEN: Conchita’s in all black, driving.
CONCHITA
Get in!
THEY GET IN, and PEEL OFF.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - MAKE-UP CHAIR
MARIO has his make up kit laid out before him and is delicately picking colors with his BRUSH and putting it on SCHMEDLEY’s FACE.
SEÑOR LORO
You HAVE to make him look presentable. Camera ready.
MARIO
I’m applying make-up to a saltine cracker here. I can’t work MIRACLES!
SCHMEDLEY
I can’t do this, I’m too tired!
MARIO
This is how you do it, baby! You wanna be a Latino puppet, part of Los Titeres? You want fame? Fame costs! And right here’s where you start paying -- in sweat!
The FAME MUSIC begins and MARIO starts to dance, but Schmedley cuts it off --
SCHMEDLEY
Can I have some water?
MARIO
No, you’ll just throw it up.
Schmedley drinks some water from a nearby water bottle.
BLUEBOX
You’re on in three.
MARIO
OK, go get ‘em kid!
SCHMEDLEY THROWS UP.
CUT TO:
OPENING GRAPHICS - THE SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOW!
Schmedley walks in, still wearing his gay leather straps from last night. He’s a mess. His bloodshot eyes tinged with purple.
SCHMEDLEY
Hello, and welcome to the Schmedley -- who am I again? Oh yeah, schocolates... Selling schocolates.
ANGLE - OFFSTAGE CONCHITA watches with RONALDO and MARIO.
CONCHITA
If this doesn’t break ‘im, nothing will! Fuckin’ rich kid, asshole.
RONALDO
Tell me how you really feel, Conchita.
MARIO
Well, we can’t let him sink completely, they’ll cancel the show!
CONCHITA
Don’t you worry your little insect head.
BACK ONSTAGE -
SCHMEDLEY
I can hardly read the cue cards... I’m feeling queasy, you guys. Let’s see: “And now, for a new version of the old LosTiteres.TV Song!”
ALL THE PUPPETS ASSEMBLE BEHIND HIM and SING LIVE.
ALL THE PUPPETS
Looooooossssssssss --
SCHMEDLEY
Titeres are funny
Los Titeres are fake,
Los Titeres are puppets
That walk around awake.
They whirl SCHMEDLEY around till his head’s spinning, and so is the CAMERA.
ALL THE PUPPETS
So, Turn on the Salsa,
‘Cause Life’s a Fiesta,
Grab hold of your Mama,
Remember to laugh!
SEÑOR LORO dances in trying to prop Schmedley up.
SEÑOR LORO
Los Titeres are wacky
Los Titeres are queer,
RONALDO
*They never dress in khaki,
MARY JUANA
They’re singing’s kinda tacky,
NAKED BOB
They’re smoking up Tobac-ee,
MARIO
They’re lacin’ it with Crack-yy!
SCHMEDLEY & CONCHITA
Thank Goodness, They’re Here!
SCHMEDLEY PASSES OUT!
THE REMAINING PUPPETS TABLEAU around SEÑOR LORO.
BLACKOUT!
FADE IN:
INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE BUILDING - WAITING ROOM - DAY
SCHMEDLEY, guided by the strip club BOUNCER who holds him by a leather strap, stands next to LORO.
SEÑOR LORO
Schmedley, you’re going to take responsibility for this. I’m not going down because of your immature antics! It’s not my fault Conchita and the cast abducted you.
SCHMEDLEY
I know, I know. I brought it on myself.
SEÑOR LORO
Alright, let’s go.
They walk up to Mrs. Whore.
SCHMEDLEY
I wanna see my dad!
SEÑOR LORO
Yes, we have uh, an appointment.
FROM INSIDE, a MUFFLED:
MR. SCHPARKY (O.S.)
YOU’RE FIRED!
SEÑOR LORO
Oh no...
MRS. WHORE
Right this way. Good luck.
She opens the door and they walk in.
INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
SEÑOR LORO walks in with SCHMEDLEY being lead by the BOUNCER.
MR. SCHPARKY stands, indignant at seeing Schmedley lead by a leash!
MR. SCHPARKY
You unchain him this instant!
BOUNCER
Don’t bother to tell me. I know: I’M FIRED!
MR. SCHPARKY
You don’t know it till I decide it... OK... Just now. YOU’RE FIRED!
The BOUNCER leaves the room weeping with MRS. WHORE comforting him.
MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)
Yeah, get out of here and go get comforted by a Whore. And as for you, you strange, twisted --
SEÑOR LORO
Please sir, before you fire me, I delivered the show and Schmedley just as you asked! Please don’t make LosTiteres.TV into cheap webisodes again!
MR. SCHPARKY
Are you kidding me?
SCHMEDLEY
Dad?
MR. SCHPARKY
I LOVED IT! IT was REAL, and WARPED! PASSIONATE! I LOVE the work LORO has done with your singing and acting skills, boy! And YOU, son, WHAT A GREAT JOB you’ve done! THE RATINGS ARE IN THE GUTTER, but I watched you grow up! Was it difficult playing the gay roles?
SCHMEDLEY
What?
MR. SCHPARKY
Señor Loro bought the footage from a certain JOHN STAMOS..?
SCHMEDLEY
Well, Dad, thanks. It wasn’t easy. The show may have looked good, but the double penetration was not a joy ride at the schocolate factory.
Suddenly, the DOORS BURST OPEN, and the whole GANG RUSHES IN, followed by a concerned MRS. WHORE.
CONCHITA
And if he wants to cancel us, you can tell him to go fuck himself!
MARIO
I don’t care if I don’t have a Green Card! I’m totally illegal just because I’ve living here under the radar for 13 years! There I said it!
MARY JUANA
Oh my God. Either I’m high, or you’re totally getting deported.
SEÑOR LORO
Everyone QUIET! Mr. Schparky says he LOVED the SHOW!
THEY ALL CHEER!
MR. SCHPARKY
Of course I did! My favorite is the stunning beauty of... Conchita.
CONCHITA
Ronaldo, pinch me... Oh, this is reality.
RONALDO
Now, even though I couldn’t give a shit about our marriage --
Ronaldo spins around and pulls a fencing sword out of nowhere, which he points at Mr. Schparky.
RONALDO (CONT’D)
My Latin pride prevents me from allowing you to come on to my wife right in front of my face, sir.
CONCHITA
Leave him alone, Ronaldo. He’s the producer.
RONALDO
Oh, in that case, have at ‘er.
Ronaldo takes a step back, puts his sword away.
SCHMEDLEY
Dad, I can’t do this much every day. Just too hard for a white person like me. Redheads are meant to be worshipped. We’re the real minority in this world. They won’t even accept our jizz at sperm banks.
MR. SCHPARKY
Son, I have a confession: I’m half-puppet, and somewhat ginger.
EVERYONE GASPS.
SCHMEDLEY
Really dad?
MR. SCHPARKY
Plus I had sex with one to have you...
CONCHITA
Don’t lookit me.
MR. SCHPARKY
And well, Latino puppets need to have a voice too. My corporate voice. You little people, even you little colored people -- you’re part of who I am too.
SEÑOR LORO
Does that mean we can become LosTiteres.TV again?
SCHMEDLEY
I guess so. I don’t care. You can have it. Stick it up your ass.
MR. SCHPARKY
Schmedley, you cannot pull out of projects you spend millions on just like that. I require you continue your infomercial segment. It’s been selling lots of schocolates.
SCHMEDLEY
But, dad, I can only do maybe five minutes of this shit at a time, max. Ughhh... I’m too rich to be Latino, Dad.
MR. SCHPARKY
Do what I say.
SCHMEDLEY
Fine, but being one o’ these Latino TIIITEREEES or whatever’s a real load.
INS AGENT shows up, KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.
INS AGENT
Hi, I’m from the I.N.S.
MARIO
Oh, great, I’m screwed.
INS AGENT
I’m looking for Mario Mariposa. Some sort of butterfly?
MARIO
Who the hell knows about butterflies? I’m a bumblebee.
SEÑOR LORO
Oh, no. I sent you -- you forgot to sign the paperwork.
MARIO
(singing)
Super-flake -- I’m super-flaky yeah! Awwwwww, flakeout!
CONCHITA
Please help us Mr. Schparky!
MR. SCHPARKY
How much does the government want to keep this butterfly.
MARIO
I said, bumblebee.
INS AGENT
Mr. Schparky, there are procedures.
MR. SCHPARKY
Two Million.
INS AGENT
Done.
EVERYONE CHEERS, including SCHMEDLEY & his MR. SCHPARKY!
MR. SCHPARKY
The butterfly stays! Work it out with Mrs. Whore.
INS AGENT
Gladly.
INS AGENT leaves with MRS. WHORE, who winks at him.
RONALDO
Is this a happy ending or what?
CONCHITA
No, that’s when you pretend to give a massage, but you really give a blow job.
MR. SCHPARKY
GO! GO TO WORK! All of YOU! BEFORE I HAVE TO FIRE YOU ALL!
They all scurry out. Last one out the door is Señor Loro, who turns back.
Mr. Schparky takes his seat at his huge desk, peering over it at Loro.
Schmedley stands at the door, spying into the office.
SEÑOR LORO
Thanks, Mr. Schparky, you’ve made an old Cuban bird titere’s dream a reality.
MR. SCHPARKY
WHAT’S WITH THIS SAPPY SHIT?! GET OUT!
SCHMEDLEY!
SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS FACE!
SCHMEDLEY
Gladly, dad.
SEÑOR LORO waves as SCHMEDLEY enters the office just to SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS FACE.
SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
Thanks, dad.
Schmedley walks out the door, Loro’s walking down the hall a few steps ahead.
The door closes and for the first time, Mr. Schparky smiles.
MR. SCHPARKY
Go get ‘em, kid! ... My fat little fleece & felt boy’s growing up.
He cries into a tissue from his pocket.
*************
Stay tuned for our next installment on the 1st of June!
