WHITE NOISE TURNS INTO AN EMBOSSED VERSION that comes out of the noise -- very HBO-like.
INT. MONTAGE - OPENING GRAPHICS
A REVAMPED OPENING THEME SONG PLAYS.
Now, all the characters are jaunting around, as in the opening of any television show, except the SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES LOGO is everywhere the eye can wander.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO - DAY
STANDING BEFORE GLITTERY, GLITZY CURTAINS with a GIANT SCHMEDLEY FACE/LOGO, SEÑOR LORO appears to great APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER as any late night comedian or talk show host would.
SEÑOR LORO
Hahahaha, thank you! Thank you so much! MUCHAS GRACIAS!
STANDING OVATION from the AUDIENCE -- clearly out of their minds with joy.
SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Sit down! Please. Sientense! Que bueno que estan aqui con nosotros! So nice to have you along with us today! Our show today is spelled with a SCH. SCHOW. Take a look at the cue card there!
WE SEE THE CUE CARD. HE’s RIGHT, OF COURSE ... LAUGHTER.
SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
As I’m sure you’ve all read in the current issue of PEOPLE magazine, we’re not people, we’re puppets. And as Latinos, Titere-Americans as I like to say.
APPLAUSE.
SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Thank you, I coined that! But now that we’re being sponsored by a major corporation, hooking us up with this set decoration -- which is off the chain -- I suppose they own Titere-Americans, ‘cause I said it on their airtime! Damnit!
LAUGHTER. APPLAUSE. A STRONG WHISTLE. WOO!
SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Now, not for nothin’ -- today I bought me a Double Decker MUCHO COCOA SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BAR. (HE HOLDS UP A BAR.) It made me feel energized and slightly patriotic...
THE ALL-HUMAN AUDIENCE NODS TO ITSELF: “HMMM... INTERESTING.”
SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Eating Schmed -- Hol -- Hold on a moment. Let’s, uh, put down the cue cards. I can’t do this... This is -- I usually do a comedy monologue at the opening of the show, but this is not the one I wro --
SCHMEDLEY PEERS SUDDENLY FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
SCHMEDLEY
(WHISPERS)
Do it, asshole, it’s funny!
INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUS
CONCHITA watches with BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB.
CONCHITA
What has this pajaro maricon gotten us into? This faggot bird is gonna get us into a deeper hole than the one that got torn into me when I fucked Milton Berle.
RONALDO
You fucked Milton Berle?
CONCHITA
No, honey that was just a joke. Ha. Ha...
MARIO
I had no idea Señor Loro was “family”.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
I think he’s on the down-low.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.
INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS
Taping before a blue screen is MARY JUANA with a few potted plants, and a set that looks like the interior of a small shack you’d have in the back yard. As she speaks, SCHMEDLEY LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW.
MARY JUANA
As I always say, it’s better to eat me than to smoke me -- and that’s why today, on Mary Juana with da 420, we’re giving you the 411 on making pot brownies with cheap brownie mix from your local bodega.
SCHMEDLEY barges in --
SCHMEDLEY
With her very special guest star, SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.
MARY JUANA
Uh -- am I totally high, or did that just happen...?
SCHMEDLEY
Yes, it did you silly puppet hermaphrodite plant.
MARY JUANA
Whaaa..??
SCHMEDLEY
I think we should tell everyone we’re using SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BROWNIE MIX, it’ll make all the brown stuff taste a little more white and freckly.
INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - DAY
Schmedley’s father watches him on TV.
MR. SCHPARKY
Hahahahahahaa! This is fantastic! Way to go son, whiten it up and bland it out!
He presses down on the intercom.
MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)
Mrs. Whore -- get in here!
She scuttles in and stares -- startled at what she sees on the plasma TV.
MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)
Laugh, goddamnit! LAUGH, or I’ll fire you again!
She LAUGHS uproarously for him.
Mr. Schparky laughs till it hurts -- as SCHMEDLEY opens the BROWNIE MIX BOX a little too forcefully, and mix flies everywhere!
INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS
MARY JUANA
(aside)
This segment seems different than I remember.
SCHMEDLEY
(aside)
Just go with it, you stupid weed, I’m having a blast!
INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUS
CONCHITA, BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB look on.
BLUEBOX
That’s because Schmedley wrote it.
CONCHITA
No wonder, it doesn’t have the usual crackle of Mary Juana’s writing.
They all agree.
INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS
SCHMEDLEY
Ultimately, once you’ve made the brownies by cooking them in an oven, not by the heat of the sun, as Ms. Juana suggested earlier, you’ll get these... Cue the human model with the big boobies, please.
A BIG BREASTED MODEL brings in a plate of BROWNIES with a SCHMEDLEY LOGO garnishing it. APPLAUSE!
MARY JUANA
What is going on? Dude, I’m not even high anymore. This is gross.
SCHMEDLEY
Well, that’s all the time we got -- Uh, I wanna stress, that I myself, do not get high. However, I bear no ill will towards plants that speak.
MARY JUANA
Slow down that fuckin’ teleprompter.
SCHMEDLEY
Join us next time, when I’ll attempt a bong hit -- not really! And remember, all the previous cannabis advice has been 99% fat free!
SCHMEDLEY holds up the BROWNIE BOX, and FREEZES, while MARY wanders around behind him.
ANGLE - A wider shot, where we see SCHMEDLEY unfreeze...
MARY JUANA
Did you just upstage me, dude?
SCHMEDLEY
Listen, Mary, I had a wonderful time -- thanks for having me as a guest for the next couple of years.
MARY JUANA
Did I agree to that when I was high?
SEÑOR LORO charges in from off stage and PULLS SCHMEDLEY ASIDE.
SEÑOR LORO
I have to talk to you urgently!
Behind him, the GAY MARACAS are going on CAMERA. They’re performing a TWO-PERSON COMEDY ROUTINE, with a background that looks like a MEXICAN YARD SALE.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
I knew I was Mexican and a Maraca when I shook and made noise, but I didn’t know I was gay until -- I shook and made noise! WOOOO!
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!
ANGLE - LORO AND SCHMEDLEY
SEÑOR LORO
This is a catastrophe, you just cannot take creative control and barge in --
SCHMEDLEY
That’s cool -- listen, I gotta be in this Gay Maracas Sketch.
SEÑOR LORO
You’re not gay or a maraca! You’re coming with me!
He drags SCHMEDLEY off.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
You really wanna know what Gay Maracas throw when they do a drive-by?
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SKITTLES! Taste the rainbow, bitches!
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Hey man, who wrote this horseshit?
INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY
Now merchandized with Schmedley’s face coming out of every corner, the office looks like a giant ad.
SEÑOR LORO
Do we have to have all these posters in my office?
SCHMEDLEY
Why wouldn’t you want them? They’re sweet.
SEÑOR LORO
Product placement is one thing, but placing yourself in other puppets’ acts is horrendous, and I cannot allow it!
SCHMEDLEY
But I own this show, Señor Lorno!
SEÑOR LORO
It’s LORO. Wasn’t it my creative vision that attracted you here to begin with?
SCHMEDLEY
I guess so.
SEÑOR LORO
It was MY dream, Schmedley. Let me guide the show. Let me guide you through the bumpy road of television programming. I know what I’m doing from years of programming communist television. In Cuba there’s only one channel. I know what I’m doing.
SCHMEDLEY
But my dad let me buy this stupid show only if I sell stuff!
SEÑOR LORO
Okay, we’ll work in more advertising, but you have to slow it down, dude.
SCHMEDLEY
Alright, I’ll reluctantly promise I’ll behave, Señor Loro. But there are graphs and charts to measure your sales progress. I paid off the FCC and the ACLU for you for a limited time, but if we don’t sell Schmedley Schparky Brand Schocolates, you’re back to being banned.
SEÑOR LORO
Now THAT is what I like to hear!
CUT TO:
INT. STAGE - “INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO” - DAY
Standing before an elegant stage set, Ronaldo laughs subtly as a well-dressed HUMAN AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.
RONALDO
-- which is, of course, brought to you by -- S.S. Schocolates. The tasty treats is known in “acting circles”... Speaking of performance, we have a thrilling guest here tonight. Straight from the set of the television series C.H.I.P.s, the visionary Latino actor -- who even agreed to wear his original costume -- ERIC ESTRADA IS HERE!
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY!
CUT TO:
INT. BROOM CLOSET - CONTINUOUS
A GAGGED GUY in a California Highway Patrol outfit struggles, tied up to a chair.
INT. STAGE - “INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO” - DAY
They are now seated. Ronaldo behind a desk.
RONALDO
Acting is by its very nature --
SCHMEDLEY walks in...
RONALDO (CONT’D)
Uh -- ladies and gentlemen, what a surprise! It’s Schemdley!
Schmedley sits in a cushy chair to AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
RONALDO (CONT’D)
Although we were expecting --
SCHMEDLEY
Skip it, he’s not coming.
RONALDO
This happened in my Cuban broadcasts all the time. I’m sure this was just his firing squad day. Now, adoring audience, he’s not only a symbol for chocolate, he’s also clairvoyant... It’s Schmedley Schparky!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS REVERENTLY.
SCHMEDLEY
Indeed.
RONALDO
So, I guess you’re my guest today, but you’re not an actor.
SCHMEDLEY
Sure, I am, I’m acting like I like you.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
RONALDO
Of course... Uh, my first question... Uh... how did you start acting on C.H.I.P.s.?
SCHMEDLEY
Can I say my favorite cuss words and just leave?
RONALDO
If by that you mean, the questions of Bernard Pivot.
SCHMEDLEY
Fuck, piss, shit and fuck... Okay, that’s it, this is getting boring. I’m gonna go pee.
AUDIENCE is stunned. RONALDO is holding his gargantuan head in his hands.
RONALDO
See you next time... INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO!... This is quite embarrassing -- uh -- I need a drink.
He walks off... ERIC ESTRADA WALKS IN, barely out of his bondage, ropes dangling.
ERIC ESTRADA
Am I late?
INT. STUDIO - DAY
SCHMEDLEY walks past LORO, who is looking down, shaking his head, crestfallen. CONCHITA WALKS BY and that takes SEÑOR LORO of his daze. He PUSHES CONCHITA towards the CAMERAS.
SEÑOR LORO
Conchita, you’re on next! I need you to take more time! Ronaldo was supposed to last longer, so you’re going to have to --
CONCHITA
I only have four minutes prepped.
SEÑOR LORO
You wanna be a star? Do seven!
CONCHITA
I haven’t stretched this much since I was working my box and Richard Simmons goosed me and made me laugh so hard I pulled a vagina muscle, right there in my box on the Hollywood Squares.
SEÑOR LORO
GO!
INT. STAGE - “A PLAZA IN SPAIN” - DAY
CONCHITA appears to APPLAUSE. She is wearing a FLAMENCO DRESS, with FULL-ON HEAD GEAR and FAN.
CONCHITA
Señores y señoritas... I was once a girl living in Spain, selling flowers at LA PLAZA CENTRAL -- which isn’t a place in Spain, but a place I made up.
MUSIC PLAYS...
CONCHITA (CONT’D)
Truth be told, I was meeting questionable gentlemen there, who smoked cigarettes, that like themselves -- were funny.
A YOUNG MAN appears dressed in a WHITE BULLFIGHTER’S OUTFIT, smoking a SPLIFF.
CONCHITA (CONT’D)
He was tough and he was cool, his balls big as any bulls, El
SEÑORITO!
She FANS HERSELF, as he approaches her and does a short dance with CASTANETS before he hands them to her and the MUSIC STARTS IN EARNEST.
HER PUPPET FINGERS PLAY CASTANETS... HER FLAMENCO FOOTWORK WITH HEELS.
CONCHITA (CONT’D)
He wore tight pants round that butt, and had balls like COCONUTS, EL SE -- ÑORITO!
YOUNG MAN grabs her and TWIRLS HER behind a nearby PILLAR.
SOUNDS OF CRASHING! Then a YELP and a MUFFLED YELL, as we see the young man’s concerned face.
Out from behind the pillar in CONCHITA’s SAME FLAMENCO COSTUME, dances SCHMEDLEY!
SCHMEDLEY
He was totally fascinating, and on my breasts his beard was grating, EL SE -- ÑORITO.
SCHMELDEY plays the CASTANETS. Conchita appears from behind the pillar, FUMING MAD, holding a broom -- bristles up!
CONCHITA
Oh no you don’t!
SCHMEDLEY DANCES with the YOUNG MAN, as CONCHITA SWATS at him with the BROOM.
SCHMEDLEY & CONCHITA
Oooooohhh, EL SEÑORITO must be discreet-o, or my husband will find out. How much deeper must I delve, yes, I married him at twelve -- now my lust must whore about! EEEELLLL SEEEEÑÑÑÑORIIIITO!
DANCE SEQUENCE. They dance on either side of the YOUNG MAN.
THE AUDIENCE, hating it, IS FILING OUT THE STUDIO DOORS.
CONCHITA PLAYS THE CASTANETS, as THE YOUNG MAN “Doe-See-Does” WITH SCHMEDLEY.
CONCHITA
Get outta my SHOW!
SCHMEDLEY
This is my SCHOW now, Conchita!
INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS”
LORO
Give it a BIG ENDING!
He throws a banana peel at them!
INT. STAGE - “A SPANISH PLAZA” - DAY
The banana peel flies in as the MUSIC CRECENDOES. They SLIP and end up in a HEAP ON THE FLOOR.
CONCHITA
Cut to commercial -- (faints.)
ANGLE - EMPTY AUDIENCE.
LORO runs onstage, as the CAMERA TILTS up to HIM. HE LOOKS INTO IT.
SEÑOR LORO
Well, this is the end of our broadcast day! I had the best time! Goodnight, everybody, see you at the cast party!
BLUEBOX
AAAAANnnnndddd! CUT! We’re OFF THE AIR, Puppets!
SEÑOR LORO
Ay Dios Mio -- this was TERRIBLE!
SCHMEDLEY, the YOUNG MAN, and CONCHITA get up off the floor, wiping themselves off.
YOUNG MAN
Remind me never to work with you people again.
SEÑOR LORO
Please, Armando, no!
CONCHITA
What the hell just happened?
SCHMEDLEY
I had a WONDERFUL time! I’ll see you tomorrow!
CLOSE on LORO, who faints.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE - NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SWIRL ON!
NEW YORK TIMES: “SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY NEW SCHOCOLATE STAR!”
PUPPET HERALD: “LOSTITERES.TV IS SCHPARKLING!”
DAILY VARIETY: “SCHMEDLEY A SCHMASH!”
EXT. FAST MOTION SUNRISE OVER MIAMI - MORNING
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - MORNING
As SCHMEDLEY walks past, BLUEBOX is sweeping, RONALDO is reading the newspaper, and MARIO is putting make up on CONCHITA...
SCHMEDLEY
How you guys doin’?
CONCHITA
After yesterday’s debacle, you have the nerve to ask?
SCHMEDLEY
“Debacle” must mean “spectacular success”, right?
CONCHITA
Listen, you puerco, pig --
MARIO
Conchita, you promised me you wouldn’t -- there are no pigs in Los Titeres, that’s how come we can broadcast in Saudi Arabia.
CONCHITA
Well, look at him, he’s a greedy --
SCHMEDLEY
You guys read today’s papers, or see the headlines? Or heard any of the reviews on the news?
MARY JUANA
No, like, is there something we should know?
NAKED BOB
I predict more bullshit from this guy.
Ronaldo holds up the paper in front of his face, and Schmedley sidles up to the blazing HEADLINE ON IT!
SEÑOR LORO rounds the corner, and joins them.
SCHMEDLEY
LosTiteres.TV A SCHMASH!.. Read it and weep, suckas.
MARIO
I feel oddly conflicted about this.
SCHMEDLEY
We have the highest ratings of all the networks combined.
BLUEBOX
Doesn’t your father own the biggest three networks?
SCHMEDLEY
Yeah, and he turned off the power to all of ‘em while our show was on yesterday. He also owns the power company.
SEÑOR LORO
Well, he DOESN’T OWN LosTiteres.TV!
SCHMEDLEY
Oh, it’s not LosTiteres.TV anymore. It’s Schmedley Schparky Schocolates dot TeeVee. Los Titeres was totally boring and stupid. But I kept the dot TeeVee, just for you guys.
SEÑOR LORO
Esto no puede ser! I will not allow...
SCHMEDLEY
Oh, and I’m so glad everyone’s gathered around -- I have hired a new consultant to the stars and celebutants. She totally tells Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian and all of the Housewives of Atlanta what to do...
NAKED BOB
Astrologically speaking, this spells doom.
MARY JUANA
I need an Oxycontin.
MORTIMER WEASEL
There goes The Peabody.
SCHMEDLEY
Puppets of Los Titeres, meet your new censor and advisor. A gift my dad gave me -- she’s in this box.
SCHMEDLEY HOLDS UP A CARDBOARD BOX.
SEÑOR LORO
I will never be censor --
SCHMEDLEY
MEET: Gatica Pussywillow.
SCHMEDLEY opens the box, and inside is a BEAUTIFUL CAT, looking up with doeful, blinking eyes.
SEÑOR LORO is about to say something when his EYE TWINKLES. He’s in STARRY-EYED LOVE!
GATICA, a puppet cat, lunges out of the box, and puts on a LIVELY SUMMER hat with FLOWERS on it, and a SMALL WHITE FEATHER BOA. She’s very pristine, and has a slight BRITISH semi-accent.
GATICA
You may call me Gateeca. Or if you like, Ms. Pussywillow. Or pussy for short. Or Puss. Not Willow, ‘cause bear it, I CUN’T. I just CUNT!
CONCHITA
Great, that’s all we needed in Los Titeres, another cunty pussy.
GATICA
I am here to broaden your audience demograhic, by raising your cultural values. (Double Takes at Conchita.) Oh my God, what is THAT CORPSE...?
CONCHITA
I’m ALIVE, dumb ass.
GATICA
Possibly. Of course, you are, dear. You look like birds I leave as gifts to my masters.
CONCHITA
I was totally excited about the show momentarily before you walked in here. I felt confident and sexy.
GATICA
Oh, we won’t have SEXY. Stop thinking SEXY. SEX does not sell to middle America. Think: Chaste. Think: Stable. Think: SOUND OF MUSIC.
CONCHITA
Think sound of: “You’re fulla shit.”
GATICA
Insults are superfluous now.
CONCHITA
Superflu -- what? God, and people say I don’t speak English. What kind of made up shit is that? Superflu-califragilistic?
GATICA
QUIET! Alright, people, let’s WHITEN IT UP, and BLANDEN IT OUT. It’s been way too gay for way too long around here. Your chips salsa overfloweth. Time for some SALTY CRACKERS.
BLUEBOX
We already have a redhead Cracker up in this spaceship -- fuckin’ up our Latino show.
A STRANGE SQUEAKING/MARACAS SHAKING NOISE.
GATICA
What is THAT? It’s coming from this desk drawer.
When she opens it, the GAY MARACAS are having sex inside it.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Hey, do you mind? We’re trying to have gay sex!
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.
GATICA
These little musical instruments are DISGUSTING!
Señor Loro closes the drawer.
SEÑOR LORO
Never mind them. It’s spring.
(to the Maracas)
Cut it out, you guys.
The MARACAS STOP making noise.
GATICA sidles up to NAKED BOB and hands him a suit.
GATICA
And here’s your suit.
NAKED BOB
What? I’m Naked Bob! I pride myself on my intricately corn rowed pubic hair!
GATICA
And no more fortune telling on your segment! That’s the work of the devil.
CONCHITA
I really don’t think that’s English she’s talkin’, you guys.
GATICA
Mary Juana, you’ll have to sober up, honey. A little rehab perhaps? Can we dress you up like a sunflower, maybe? ... Mario, butch it up dear, you’re too femmy. And Bluebox Jones, our dear, dear blue space alien. You’re only a token, so if you continue to be foul mouthed, we might have to let you go. And you, Señor Loro... In the office! Now!
She pushes Señor Loro off. Schmedley shrugs.
SCHMEDLEY
Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing!
He lumbers off. The rest of the puppets stay, flabbergasted.
CONCHITA
And they say Cuban bitches are pushy -- well, at least we’re not catty!
INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Loro and Gatica.
GATICA
Alright, here’s the thing: I’m firing the Gay Maracas, Ponch and Jimmy, the News Guys -- all the short puppets. America hates short puppets, and chews but does not swallow gays.
SEÑOR LORO
But these are my friends --
GATICA
There is no room for friendship in Market Research. And it indicates that those short, rodless puppets, unable to move their mouths have really low “Q ratings”.
SEÑOR LORO
But on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood --
GATICA
Irrelevant. Mr. Rogers is dead, and so are the puppets in his neighborhood.
SEÑOR LORO
But maybe if we kept them around to do interstitials, I could still keep them employed, because with the recession --
GATICA
Listen, you hot parrot. I like your verve. I like your red feathers, they tease me. But at any point I could pull the plug on all of this with one claw stroke. You get to firing some people quick!
SEÑOR LORO
Can I just fire them later? Not on Monday morning --
She saunters up to him seductively.
GATICA
By this afternoon, I want those wastes of felt, string & paper mache out of here. Then, there’ll be more room for you... and... me.
She meows.
SEÑOR LORO
So seeexy.
GATICA
Yes, I am. You’ll do it... for me.
SEÑOR LORO
I’m gonna FIRE it up...
GATICA
Purrrrfect.
INT. STAGE - “NEWS SET”
Ponch and Jimmy are delivering the news.
PONCH
A giant shipment of chocolate was stopped on the border of Mexico and the United States today, government officials fearing that Mexican National Puppets could be hiding inside the bon-bon sized packaging. Now, to Jimmy with sports.
JIMMY
Ponch, illegal immigration has got to stop. No matter how small... Oh, and it says here, we’re fired.
PONCH
We’re fired?
JIMMY
Yep.
They take off their mikes and walk off the set.
ANGLE - OFF STAGE - GATICA AND SEÑOR LORO
GATICA
Let me point out what’s wrong with this picture. Small puppets talking about small puppet immigration? If they had rods and moving mouths, this would be more palatable.
SEÑOR LORO
But these guys are award winning journalists, and they just walked off the set!
GATICA
I’m afraid I have to tell you that we simply must give Schmedley his own infomercial.
SEÑOR LORO
That’s impossible.
GATICA
Yes, it’ll be practically impossible to fill up the forty minute block you’re going to give him, but I’m sure he’ll think of something.
SEÑOR LORO
But this was my show! My little shitty, poor channel? Why? Why did I sell out!?
GATICA
It’s the numbers, Señor Loro. The numbers... Instead of the usual, your segment will now run two minutes, the other fifty-eight will be Schmedley’s. Trust me, it’ll be for the best.
SEÑOR LORO
Well, I guess I’ve got to get to producing this -- info-mercial.
GATICA
Oh, no worries, dear. Like the firing of those Punch & Judy look-alike newsmen -- it’s already done... Look!
On set, Schmedley is already prepping his candy boxes and props. Now, the set looks like it’s vomiting NEON and PLASMA SCREENS advertising SCHMEDLEY’S SCHOCOLATES.
OPENING GRAPHICS - THE SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOW!
Schmedley jumps around, eating candy bars, who are alive and dance around him.
INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW”
The set has a cartoony feel. Somewhat in the style of Dr. Seuss gone corporate. It’s a kid’s playroom with all sorts of not-so-subtly placed promo stuff.
SCHMEDLEY
Hello, and welcome to the Schemdley Schparky Show! Want some Schocolate? These are made by my company Schmedley Schparky Schocolates, a proud sponsor of this show.
He looks to another CAMERA, smug.
SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
Now many of my fans have been writing, so I have decided to answer some viewer mail. First letter says:
We see letters fly in and unfold on a plasma screen. A small picture of the author to its side, in this case LIBBY, a wacked out looking female puppet with glasses.
SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
"Dear Schmedley, you are so fat that I worry for your health. I know you own your own schocolate company, but STOP EATING, STUPID!"
He looks to another CAMERA.
SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
Well, I will definitely take that into consideration, Libby from New York -- as I bite into a scrumptious Schmedley Schparky Schocolate.
He looks to another CAMERA.
SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
My guest today is a politician whose skin is colored like schocolate. Libertarian candidate in this year’s election, Mr. Potato Head’s cousin from El Salvador, Don Cabeza de Papa.
ANGLE - FROM BEHIND, we see a potato-like head wearing a hat wobble on.
PAN TO REVEAL - ANOTHER CORNER IN THE DISTANCE - Señor Loro and Gatica discussing the firings with the TWO GAY MARACAS, PONCH & JIMMY.
SEÑOR LORO
They say in show biz, there are no small parts only small actors, guys. (sighs) No, that’s not right. This is so awkward --
INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
THE CAST IS huddled in this little room, conspiring.
MARIO
What would our own people do in Central America? Riot in the streets?! THROW MAZEL-TOV COCKTAILS?! ... (meek) Stick to farming?
Everyone looks up at him simultaneously...
MARIO (CONT’D)
Make babies? ... Worship Jesus? ... NO! WE’D HAVE ourselves a good old time: REVOLUCIÓN!!! Can we say: Che Guevara?!
CONCHITA
Ay, please, Mario, you’re barking up the wrong tree. We Cubans HATE Che Guevara. First of all he was a doctor who killed people and then he’s the biggest Capitalist -- he’s on all the fucking T-Shirts!
IN WALK: THE GAY MARACAS, PONCH and JIMMY -- dejected.
NAKED BOB
I’m intuiting some shit just went down.
PONCH
You intuit correctly.
JIMMY
Turns out they just fired us.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
All puppets under a foot long.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Sí.
The two MARACAS CRY on MARIO’s shoulder.
MARIO
Oh there, there you guys. Someone else will hire you! Tomorrow you could be playing for Gloria Estefan.
THEY CRY HARDER.
MARY JUANA
Fire you? They barely pay you queers.
JIMMY
It’s a symbolic firing. Like we’re no longer part of la familia.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
No volunteering, either.
GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Sí.
MARIO
That’s it, everyone! In the name of STONEWALL, we gotta DO SOMETHING! ... I’m ready to bust some caps in someone’s ass.
CONCHITA
Weeellll -- my cousin Cuco used to run a Chilean militia. Let me speed dial him on my cell. He knows what’s effective. I was once their victim when they were warring with a Columbian drug cartel, which was somehow involved with a Panamanian cocaine mule smuggling ring. It was horrible... They would pack my ... with -- I can’t talk about it.
MARIO
Let’s DO IT!
BLUEBOX
You gay dudes are aggressive.
MARIO
I’m a butterfly and a make-up artist, but who said I was gay?
RONALDO
Gay or not, we’re all Titeres! Alright everyone, hands in the center.
THEY ALL PUT THEIR HANDS IN AND CHEER!
CONCHITA
What was the plan again?
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Stay tuned for our next installment on May 1st!
