LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 6 ~ "Reunited And It Feels So Good" (The End!)

GRACIAS for reading our "origins screenplay"! Here is the Final Installment!

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INT. LORO’S OFFICE

SEÑOR LORO peering over his own deak -- now ALL THE PUPPETS ARE ASSEMBLED IN “PITCH MODE” AGAIN.

MARIO
-- and that’s why I think I should get to interview Charlie Sheen!

MORTIMER WEASEL
Can we talk about how many Peabody Awards I’ve won? Stand behind me in line, I interviewed the Easter Bunny last year, and I’m legal!

GENERAL HUBBUB.

SEÑOR LORO
Ah, great ideas for segments everyone! There’s something to be said about being with our familia again. Feels right.

THEY FILE OUT.

MARIO
Think about it bird. (whispers) I’ll even take some heroin on camera.

SEÑOR LORO
Okay, Mario, I’ll think about it... FLUTTER YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE!

SEÑOR LORO closes the door, and leans up against it, releasing a big, lonesome sigh.

SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Oh... I guess this is my life -- married to my work.

MUFFLED MEOWS. He double-takes and walks over to the cardboard box.

GATICA (O.S.)
Meow.

He opens the box, and out jumps GATICA.

SEÑOR LORO
Oh, what an unexpected surprise.

GATICA
My hero!

She kisses him!

SEÑOR LORO
I would blush, but it would be redundant.

He hugs her.

FADE OUT.

EXT. STAGE DOOR - DAY

Schmedley shuffles out, and there’s a MOB of people waiting for his autograph. Among them is PRICILLA, his biggest fan. They see each other and fall in love at first sight.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE, SCHMALTZY CLOSE UPS.

SCHMEDLEY
Where have you been all my life?

PRICILLA
Watching you on TV!

He hugs her, and pulls her out of the crowd.

SCHMEDLEY
You gotta come by the studio sometime.

PRICILLA
(excited)
You betcha!

INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE

Everything seems to be up and running again. THE NEWS GUYS WALK PAST as the CAMERA MOVES ABOUT.

PONCH
Jimmy, I think we deserve a vacation after this much stress.

JIMMY
I think we deserve a union, that’s step 2.

PONCH
If the Señor Loro hears you say that, it’s curtains for you.

JIMMY
I’ll bring the ACLU on ‘im, like I did last time when they discriminated against us as “little puppets”. That was step one.

They laugh sarcastically.

ANGLE - ANOTHER AREA OF THE STUDIO -
A FEMALE REPORTER interviews BLUEBOX.

FEMALE REPORTER
... giving opportunity to people who are blue, like yourself.

BLUEBOX
Yeah, blue people have been largely overlooked. Look, in my home world, we’re all politicians, so this is a step up.

FEMALE REPORTER
You’re producing and directing different segments now?

BLUEBOX
Yeah, but I’m totally a second class citizen in this show, but that’s a reflection of America at large.

NAKED BOB walks past in a bullfighter outfit, and the camera follows him. He SHRUGS and LOOKS directly to the CAMERA:

NAKED BOB
What? ... I got cold.

He walks past CONCHITA and RONALDO in the --

INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Their son, YOYI, stands quivering in the corner. Conchita’s yelling at his father, Ronaldo.

CONCHITA
I didn’t tell you to take him to no Titty Bar, you sexist, machista hijo de puta!

RONALDO
You said something that would scare him straight!... You’ve been PIMPING, how about THAT?

CONCHITA
I guess we’ve both been shady, but it was for a good cause.
They embrace and make out. Yoyi covers his eyes. A TV behind them plays the first few moments of a new interview. 

We CUT INTO:

INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS

ANGLE - As in the beginning, SEÑOR LORO sits in a director’s chair. BRONSON, our nemesis REPORTER is opposite him.

NEWS REPORTER
So... Things have changed, Señor Lorenzo.

SEÑOR LORO
Loro. Señor Loro. (sighs) Yeah, everything’s different, yet everything remains the same. Kind of like Cuba after Fidel Castro stepped down.

NEWS REPORTER
And is Schmedley a part of LosTiteres.TV, or will he step down?

SEÑOR LORO
Well, he’s on the board, and he’s still a performer, but I think he’s growing up, you know. He’s got girls on his mind.

NEWS REPORTER
What’s next for you, Señor Loro. Marriage, perhaps to Gatica Pussywillow?

SEÑOR LORO
Well, that rumor’s been bandied about, but nobody knows.

NEWS REPORTER
You puppets are one odd Latin bunch of characters. Like your song says, you’re funny, you’re queer. You never dress in khakhi --

Señor Loro strums his fingers on the arm of his chair, and calmly looks on.

SEÑOR LORO
That’s right, that’s right -- and thank goodness we’re here...

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2 pokes out from behind him.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.

NICKY
And we’re out!

BRONSON
Until we meet again, Señor Loco.

SEÑOR LORO
Loro. Señor Lo -- I’m getting a little sleepy, I’m an old bird.
Nicky and Bronson pack in a moment and leave as Señor Loro waves goodbye...

CAMERA PULLS BACK WIDER & WIDER as LORO sits, strumming his fingers, in a trompe d’oeil special effects shot, so that it’s a full view, yet, old school Kermit the Frog style, done with mirrors.

Señor Loro is so tired, his eyes close and his head bobs.
WE move around the STUDIO to look around one last time. 

SCHMEDLEY’S nonchalantly chatting with CONCHITA...

MARY’s smoking out of a hooka with NAKED BOB...

SEÑOR LORO’S DESK DRAWER pulls open. THE GAY MARACAS are SMOKING post-sex CIGARETTES.

LOOK UP, and BLUEBOX walks past us with his clipboard and headset, frustrated, muttering to himself:

BLUEBOX
These puppets are out ‘dey minds...

Other PUPPETS MILL ABOUT THE STUDIO, as by now -- 
AS THEY WALK PAST US, we COME BACK full circle and MOVE CLOSER to:

SEÑOR LORO who, as lights dim in the studio, is left under a sole, soft spot light, innocently asleep. 

OUR THEME SONG PLAYS in the style of a child’s lullaby...

CONCHITA and the ENTIRE PUPPET GANG surface slowly out of the shadows and see him there, sleeping.

RONALDO
Would you look at him... just like a big bird.

And the cutest thing, is -- as we inch closer, he falls deeper into sleep --

SEÑOR LORO
(muttering in his sleep)
Los Titeres... Thank Goodness we’re here.

He wobbles his head as he SNORES to a SLOW FADE OUT.

************* 

Stay tuned for more Backstage Antics and the continuation of our movie in Blog Form coming soon! ... We're puppets, we don't know when we'll write next, so please SUBSCRIBE!

LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 5 ~ "Fleece & Felt Boy"

INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUS

Schmedley is licking his lips, eating fries dipped in chocolate.

SCHMEDLEY
Now, Don Cabeza de Papa was cooked at a 350 degree heat, and covered with a special Schmedley Schparky sauce. He was then dipped in schocolate.

ANGLE - JUST OFF-STAGE - DOÑA CABEZA DE PAPA WEEPS.

EXT. OUTSIDE - BRICK BACKGROUND - DAY

Conchita paces, holding a cell phone. CLICK, then ELEVATOR MUSIC. She sighs.

CONCHITA
I can’t believe this, the Chilean militia is outsourcing it’s underground hotline to India.

CLICK.

CUCO
(filtered)
Hallo.

CONCHITA
Cuco! Es Conchita! Necesito un VAN. NEGRO. GRANDE... GRANDISIMO! Okay?... PRONTO! EN CINCO MINUTOS! 

INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUS

As he wraps up his eating...

SCHMEDLEY
Join us next week when we’ll see what’s erotic about schocolate with our next guest, the Morton Salt Girl, ‘cause rumors I’ve been dating her are true, and she likes to lick the parts of me that taste salty. See you next time, and remember -- all the previous jokes have been 99% fat free!

BLUEBOX
Aaaannndddd we’re off the air...

SCHMEDLEY ambles off the set.

SCHMEDLEY
Have a wonderful day everyone! You’ve all really been lovely to spend the day with. I’ll play with you tomorrow!

HUMANS who work as janitors around the set, SNEER at SCHMEDLEY as he walks out. Everyone HATES HIM.

ANGLE - LORO sees SCHMEDLEY head for the double doors to exit the studio.

SEÑOR LORO
Schmedley, I wanted to say -- oh, never mind.

As Schmedley opens the double doors triumphantly, they STAY OPEN -- as a BLACK VAN PULLS UP IN FRONT OF SCHMEDLEY.

TWO PUPPETS and TWO HUMAN ACCOMPLICES IN BLACK FROM HEAD TO TOE coordinate to OPEN THE VAN, and GRAB SCHMEDLEY.

They THROW HIM INTO THE VAN with a THUD.
VAN DOOR CLOSES.

ANGLE - LORO sees all of it go down... GATICA suddenly appears behind him.

GATICA
What? Something wrong?

SEÑOR LORO
No, nothing at all. As of now, it may just be going right.

INT. VAN - DAY

CONCHITA’s driving.

MARIO, and NAKED BOB pull the black stockings off their heads.

SCHMEDLEY struggles -- all tied up.

SCHMEDLEY
What’s going on?

MARIO
I can’t believe how weak you are.

SCHMEDLEY
I took kara-te! I’ll kill you! I’ll crucify you! I’ll tell my dad on youuuuuuu!

NAKED BOB
When a butterfly can hold you down, Schmedley, you know you gotta hit the gym.

SCHMEDLEY
I don’t have time for that or THIS!

NAKED BOB
I predict you’ll have a heart attack before 15.

MARIO
If we’re lucky.

SCHMEDLEY
What are you gonna do to me?

CONCHITA
Guerilla war tactics on political prisoners.

SCHMEDLEY
You’re shit outta luck ‘cause I don’t have nails on my fingers.
INT. HUMAN NEWSROOM - EVENING NEWS

NEWS REPORTER
Schmedley on a binge or kidnapped?

IMAGE: SCHMEDLEY APPEARS BEHIND HIM.

NEWS REPORTER (CONT’D)
A recent sighting indicates that Schmedley Schparky of Schocolate fame has been abducted. We’ve received e-mails from several witnesses in the greater Dade County area, who have seen him coming in and out of some shady puppet neighborhoods.

INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

An UGLY GIRL who looks kind of like SCHMEDLEY, dressed as a princess watches the report on TV, and talks back to it.

PRICILLA
Schmedley, this FAN LOVES YOU!
She goes to her window.

PRICILLA (CONT’D)
If you’re out there, I‘m thinking of you!... Unless you’re out on a binge, which should be fun.

INT. MARY JUANA’S REAL SHACK - NIGHT

Schmedley’s BLINDFOLD comes off, and he looks around the shack, set up like a HYDROPONICS LAB. SMOKE fills the air.

MARY JUANA
Breathe deeply. This is your JOURNEY INTO LATINO-NESS.

SCHMEDLEY
(his eyes red)
Ahhh. Hello, it’s you, the talking plant. Oh my god you’re like, so beautiful!

MARY JUANA
Under the right lighting, we all are.
Schmedley breathes deeply, and his irises get dilated.

SCHMEDLEY
Looking at all of these plants is making me hungry, Mary. 

MARY JUANA
Your lesson here is to get in touch with the roots of all things, this is a journey into your innermost self, path towards ridding yourself of your inner greedy Wall Street asshole.

SCHMEDLEY
That’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. Do you have any frozen pizza?

MARY JUANA
It’s time for the van again. For your next adventure.

SCHMEDLEY
The van again? I wanna stay here and ponder the universe.

MARY JUANA
You need to chill out, dude. Go with the flow. This is what you need to become a true LATINO.

SCHMEDLEY
Yeah, you’re right. This is fun! MORE!

MARY JUANA
Van time...

She ushers him out the door.

INT. SEñOR LORO’S OFFICE - NIGHT

LORO is at the desk with the MR. SCHPARKY pacing in front of it. Huddled to a corner is GATICA.

MR. SCHPARKY
RIDICULOUS! How could you see such a thing and not immediately respond?! You stood there for nine minutes? Who in this world receives GRAVE, EARTH SHATTERING INFORMATION, and just SITS THERE?! STANDS THERE? For NINE MINUTES!

SEÑOR LORO
Uh ... George B -- Uh, Me?

MR. SCHPARKY
That’s right you! And I hold YOU responsible! For getting my poor, innocent son Schmedley up this creek without a schocolate!

SEÑOR LORO
Why don’t you call the police department? You own it.

MR. SCHPARKY
No self respecting police officer would go into Hialeah! You think those Latino puppet neighborhoods are safe? ... YOU FIND my Schmedley, or I’m gonna rotisserie your ass POLLO LOCO-style!

INSERT: ROTISSERIE CHICKEN GOING AROUND.

SEÑOR LORO
Uhhh... 

MR. SCHPARKY
I’ll do it!

EXT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY

To establish --

INT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY

IN A BOOTH - A HUMAN DANCER GIRL writhes for RONALDO, while SCHMEDLEY watches nearby.

RONALDO
I like the way you do it, Stacy.

STACY
Isn’t that kid underage?

RONALDO
Keep your mind on the money, and the money on your mind.

STACY
I thought I saw you were married on YouTube.

RONALDO
You wanna bust my balls, or stroke them?

GIRL walks away insulted.

SCHMEDLEY
Oh no, you messed that one up, Ronaldo. She got pissed.

RONALDO
Let me tell you how we do things in Cuba and Honduras. Bitches are important, yet interchangable. 

SCHMEDLEY
Wow. I would love Honduras. I’ve never even seen real titties this close before.

RONALDO
Here, Schmedley, drink this Mojito, and put this twenty in her crack.

A new HUMAN STRIPPER SHOWS up and dances.

SCHMEDLEY
Wow. This is the Best Thing I’ve ever done with my money!

EXT. “PUPPET PUTERIA STRIP CLUB AND BOWLING ALLEY” - DAY

THE BOUNCER is being hounded by SEÑOR LORO.

BOUNCER
No BIRDS.

SEÑOR LORO
Why of all the discriminatory -- but I’m looking for a titere twelve year old!

BOUNCER
No BIRDS.

SEÑOR LORO
I could be the American eagle for all you care! He could be seeing titties before he’s able to process it in his delicate little mind!

BOUNCER
I said: No BIRDS.

THE BLACK VAN pulls up behind LORO. 

He turns around and gets a look at SCHMEDLEY peering at him out of the VAN’s BACK DOOR WINDOW.

SEÑOR LORO
SCHMEDLEY!

As the VAN drives off --

SCHMEDLEY
Hey, Señor Loro! SHOW ME YOUR TITS!

SEÑOR LORO
(to Bouncer)
Oh, no! I’ve gotta run after them.

BOUNCER
Why don’t you fly?

SEÑOR LORO
I thought they only racially profiled people at airports! ... Oh, all right...

Señor Loro flies after them!

INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY

GATICA is on the phone.

GATICA
Loro’s looking for him now, Mr. Schparky. I’m running the studio-slash Emergency Hotline Call Center for Schmedley Sightings.

BOOM, DOORS SWING OPEN and in stride PONCH & JIMMY wielding miniature guns ABLAZING!

GATICA (CONT’D)
Oh my goodness!

They FIRE A COUPLE of MINIATURE SHOTS.

PONCH
Just wanna let you know we mean business.

GATICA
I have to go. Someone’s aiming a beebee gun at me.

JIMMY
Not so fast --

CUT TO:

INT. BOTANICA - DAY

A Latin “botanica” (magic store)... A CRAZY RITUAL is taking place. It’s a dimly lit room with AFRO-CUBAN saints and gods on the walls, a chicken in a small cage. SCHMEDLEY is looking up at a shadow.

NAKED BOB WALKS UP TO HIM.

NAKED BOB
Now, take off your clothes. You’re about to be re-born as the son of the Afro-Cuban saint: Babaluuuu.

SCHMEDLEY
What?

NAKED BOB
Never heard of Ricky Ricardo? Babaluuuu... Your name will now be: MOCO FEO or in Spanish: UGLY BOOGER.

SCHMEDLEY
Cool.

NAKED BOB
Now, we kill this live chicken, and pour the blood on your head.

SCHMEDLEY
Awesome.

The chicken looks up like: Whaaa?

INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

LOOKING DOWN ON GATICA in THE BOX, as PONCH & JIMMY close it.

GATICA
You’ll never get away with this! I’ll scratch you!

PONCH
I’ll shoot your eye out!

Cardboard box lids close on her.

EXT. HOOKER CORNER OF BISCAYNE BLVD. - LATE AFTERNOON

Conchita talks to Schmedley, made up like a trashy hooker.

CONCHITA
Now your first trick is always the most special -- it’ll leave stretch marks that will last for years. Now, stand like this, and show your ass. And don’t let those other bitches cramp your corner.

SCHMEDLEY
You really think prostitution will make me a Latino man? 

CONCHITA
Oh, it will... This is what being a Latina means to me. It’s called: Making a living for baby food.

A LIMO PULLS UP. WINDOW ROLLS DOWN. 

[JOHN STAMOS or ANTHONY RAPP plays the JOHN, a completely unexpected celebrity.] OR a stately-looking, older, mustachioed GENTLEMAN.

JOHN
How much?

SCHMEDLEY
Fift---

CONCHITA
Five. Hundred. Dollars.

JOHN
Really? Why so much for this fat kid?

CONCHITA
More fresh meat, more to love, more bang for your buck.

JOHN
Get in.

CONCHITA
Pay in advance.

He hands her an envelope. She checks it.

CONCHITA (CONT’D)
Have a good time, Schmedley. Don’t let him cum on your face, it’s demoralizing. Also...
Schmedley gets in. 

INSIDE - The GAY MARACAS are there snorting cocaine.

CONCHITA LEANS INTO THE LIMO WINDOW:

CONCHITA (CONT’D)
No anal, no strangling, no kissing, you break it, you buy it. No exchanges. You have two hours. Cuming is not guaranteed. And NO RIMMING, his mustache is gonna chafe, and you’ll be out of commission for a week.

LIMO PEELS OFF.
LORO RUNS UP, as CONCHITA COUNTS HER MONEY...

SEÑOR LORO
SCHMEDLEEEYYY!!

Catching his breath, he stands next to Conchita, who fans herself with the five hundred dollars.

CONCHITA
What’s wrong, Señor Loro? Feeling lonely tonight?

SEÑOR LORO
Conchita! Where are they taking Schmedley?!

CONCHITA
Probably back to a South Beach hotel for a little “suck & fuck”, you know, “party & play”. And then to an after hours club.

SEÑOR LORO
He’s in danger!

CONCHITA
Depends on how you look at it. Besides, he’s with the Gay Maracas. They’ve been on crystal meth for years now, and they’re fine. Totally straight. They know their limits.

SEÑOR LORO
Uh, he’s gonna get ass raped isn’t he...

CONCHITA
Hopefully just by one person. I  remember this one time --

SEÑOR LORO
I gotta go.

INT. GAY CLUB - NIGHT

HOUSE MUSIC pounds the air. DISCO BALL and CRAZY COLORED LIGHTS.

SCHMEDLEY dances shirtless, wearing leather straps, next to THREE HUNKY GAYS and a DRAG QUEEN -- everyone: EYES LIKE SAUCERS, HUGE PUPILS, X-ING OUT OF THEIR MINDS! 

In the foreground, the GAY MARACAS dance.

SCHMEDLEY gets his nipples tweaked as he dances.

SCHMEDLEY
That feels so wrong it’s right...

EXT. MIAMI SKYLINE - NIGHT

FAST MOTION - SUN COMING UP.

EXT. GAY CLUB - 5 A.M.

A HUNKY GAY opens the DOOR and SCHMEDLEY and the GAY MARACAS walk out into the sunlight.

SCHMEDLEY
Who turned on the lights?!

HUNKY GAY CELEBRITY
Hey, you guys wanna come over to my place, do some poppers and masturbate?

SCHMEDLEY
Dude, I’m totally Latino-ed out.

LORO RUNS UP, out of breath --

SEÑOR LORO
Oh, Schmedley, there you are! GRACIAS A DIOS! THANK YESUS! I’ve been looking all over for you! Schmedley, we’ve only got a few hours till the show! Your father’s gonna kill me! You have to get back to the studio with me so he can see you on the air!

SCHMEDLEY
I’m soooo tired, Señor Loro.

Señor loro sees GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1, but no #2!

SEÑOR LORO
What happened to the other Gay Mexican Maraca?

SCHMEDLEY
He’s in my pants.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2 pops out.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.

SEÑOR LORO
Let’s go!

SCHMEDLEY
Señor Loro, I just can’t go.

SEÑOR LORO
Ah, where’s a fast getaway vehicle driven by a mad person when you need one?

CONCHITA PULLS UP IN THE BLACK VAN -- SCREECHES TO A HALT!

DOOR FLIES OPEN: Conchita’s in all black, driving.

CONCHITA
Get in!

THEY GET IN, and PEEL OFF.

INT. DRESSING ROOM - MAKE-UP CHAIR

MARIO has his make up kit laid out before him and is delicately picking colors with his BRUSH and putting it on SCHMEDLEY’s FACE.

SEÑOR LORO
You HAVE to make him look presentable. Camera ready.

MARIO
I’m applying make-up to a saltine cracker here. I can’t work MIRACLES!

SCHMEDLEY
I can’t do this, I’m too tired!

MARIO
This is how you do it, baby! You wanna be a Latino puppet, part of Los Titeres? You want fame? Fame costs! And right here’s where you start paying -- in sweat!

The FAME MUSIC begins and MARIO starts to dance, but Schmedley cuts it off --

SCHMEDLEY
Can I have some water?

MARIO
No, you’ll just throw it up.

Schmedley drinks some water from a nearby water bottle.

BLUEBOX
You’re on in three.

MARIO
OK, go get ‘em kid!

SCHMEDLEY THROWS UP.

CUT TO:

OPENING GRAPHICS - THE SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOW!

Schmedley walks in, still wearing his gay leather straps from last night. He’s a mess. His bloodshot eyes tinged with purple.

SCHMEDLEY
Hello, and welcome to the Schmedley -- who am I again? Oh yeah, schocolates... Selling schocolates.

ANGLE - OFFSTAGE CONCHITA watches with RONALDO and MARIO.

CONCHITA
If this doesn’t break ‘im, nothing will! Fuckin’ rich kid, asshole.

RONALDO
Tell me how you really feel, Conchita.

MARIO
Well, we can’t let him sink completely, they’ll cancel the show!

CONCHITA
Don’t you worry your little insect head.

BACK ONSTAGE -

SCHMEDLEY
I can hardly read the cue cards... I’m feeling queasy, you guys. Let’s see: “And now, for a new version of the old LosTiteres.TV Song!”

ALL THE PUPPETS ASSEMBLE BEHIND HIM and SING LIVE.

ALL THE PUPPETS
Looooooossssssssss --

SCHMEDLEY
Titeres are funny
Los Titeres are fake,
Los Titeres are puppets
That walk around awake.

They whirl SCHMEDLEY around till his head’s spinning, and so is the CAMERA.

ALL THE PUPPETS
So, Turn on the Salsa,
‘Cause Life’s a Fiesta,
Grab hold of your Mama,
Remember to laugh!

SEÑOR LORO dances in trying to prop Schmedley up.

SEÑOR LORO
Los Titeres are wacky
Los Titeres are queer,

RONALDO
*They never dress in khaki, 

MARY JUANA
They’re singing’s kinda tacky,

NAKED BOB
They’re smoking up Tobac-ee,

MARIO
They’re lacin’ it with Crack-yy!

SCHMEDLEY & CONCHITA
Thank Goodness, They’re Here!

SCHMEDLEY PASSES OUT!

THE REMAINING PUPPETS TABLEAU around SEÑOR LORO.

BLACKOUT!

FADE IN:

INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE BUILDING - WAITING ROOM - DAY

SCHMEDLEY, guided by the strip club BOUNCER who holds him by a leather strap, stands next to LORO.

SEÑOR LORO
Schmedley, you’re going to take responsibility for this. I’m not going down because of your immature antics! It’s not my fault Conchita and the cast abducted you. 

SCHMEDLEY
I know, I know. I brought it on myself.

SEÑOR LORO
Alright, let’s go.

They walk up to Mrs. Whore.

SCHMEDLEY
I wanna see my dad!

SEÑOR LORO
Yes, we have uh, an appointment.

FROM INSIDE, a MUFFLED:

MR. SCHPARKY (O.S.)
YOU’RE FIRED!

SEÑOR LORO
Oh no...

MRS. WHORE
Right this way. Good luck.

She opens the door and they walk in.

INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

SEÑOR LORO walks in with SCHMEDLEY being lead by the BOUNCER.

MR. SCHPARKY stands, indignant at seeing Schmedley lead by a leash!

MR. SCHPARKY
You unchain him this instant!

BOUNCER
Don’t bother to tell me. I know: I’M FIRED!

MR. SCHPARKY
You don’t know it till I decide it... OK... Just now. YOU’RE FIRED!

The BOUNCER leaves the room weeping with MRS. WHORE comforting him.

MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)
Yeah, get out of here and go get comforted by a Whore. And as for you, you strange, twisted --

SEÑOR LORO
Please sir, before you fire me, I delivered the show and Schmedley just as you asked! Please don’t make LosTiteres.TV into cheap webisodes again!

MR. SCHPARKY
Are you kidding me?

SCHMEDLEY
Dad?

MR. SCHPARKY
I LOVED IT! IT was REAL, and WARPED! PASSIONATE! I LOVE the work LORO has done with your singing and acting skills, boy! And YOU, son, WHAT A GREAT JOB you’ve done! THE RATINGS ARE IN THE GUTTER, but I watched you grow up! Was it difficult playing the gay roles?

SCHMEDLEY
What?

MR. SCHPARKY
Señor Loro bought the footage from a certain JOHN STAMOS..?

SCHMEDLEY
Well, Dad, thanks. It wasn’t easy. The show may have looked good, but the double penetration was not a joy ride at the schocolate factory.

Suddenly, the DOORS BURST OPEN, and the whole GANG RUSHES IN, followed by a concerned MRS. WHORE.

CONCHITA
And if he wants to cancel us, you can tell him to go fuck himself!

MARIO
I don’t care if I don’t have a Green Card! I’m totally illegal just because I’ve living here under the radar for 13 years! There I said it!

MARY JUANA
Oh my God. Either I’m high, or you’re totally getting deported.

SEÑOR LORO
Everyone QUIET! Mr. Schparky says he LOVED the SHOW!
THEY ALL CHEER!

MR. SCHPARKY
Of course I did! My favorite is the stunning beauty of... Conchita.

CONCHITA
Ronaldo, pinch me... Oh, this is reality.

RONALDO
Now, even though I couldn’t give a shit about our marriage --
Ronaldo spins around and pulls a fencing sword out of nowhere, which he points at Mr. Schparky.

RONALDO (CONT’D)
My Latin pride prevents me from allowing you to come on to my wife right in front of my face, sir.

CONCHITA
Leave him alone, Ronaldo. He’s the producer.

RONALDO
Oh, in that case, have at ‘er.

Ronaldo takes a step back, puts his sword away.

SCHMEDLEY
Dad, I can’t do this much every day. Just too hard for a white person like me. Redheads are meant to be worshipped. We’re the real minority in this world. They won’t even accept our jizz at sperm banks.

MR. SCHPARKY
Son, I have a confession: I’m half-puppet, and somewhat ginger.

EVERYONE GASPS.

SCHMEDLEY
Really dad?

MR. SCHPARKY
Plus I had sex with one to have you... 

CONCHITA
Don’t lookit me.

MR. SCHPARKY
And well, Latino puppets need to have a voice too. My corporate voice. You little people, even you little colored people -- you’re part of who I am too.

SEÑOR LORO
Does that mean we can become LosTiteres.TV again?

SCHMEDLEY
I guess so. I don’t care. You can have it. Stick it up your ass.

MR. SCHPARKY
Schmedley, you cannot pull out of projects you spend millions on just like that. I require you continue your infomercial segment. It’s been selling lots of schocolates.

SCHMEDLEY
But, dad, I can only do maybe five minutes of this shit at a time, max. Ughhh... I’m too rich to be Latino, Dad.

MR. SCHPARKY
Do what I say.

SCHMEDLEY
Fine, but being one o’ these Latino TIIITEREEES or whatever’s a real load.

INS AGENT shows up, KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

INS AGENT
Hi, I’m from the I.N.S.

MARIO
Oh, great, I’m screwed.

INS AGENT
I’m looking for Mario Mariposa. Some sort of butterfly?

MARIO
Who the hell knows about butterflies? I’m a bumblebee.

SEÑOR LORO
Oh, no. I sent you -- you forgot to sign the paperwork.

MARIO
(singing)
Super-flake -- I’m super-flaky yeah! Awwwwww, flakeout!

CONCHITA
Please help us Mr. Schparky!

MR. SCHPARKY
How much does the government want to keep this butterfly.

MARIO
I said, bumblebee.

INS AGENT
Mr. Schparky, there are procedures.

MR. SCHPARKY
Two Million.

INS AGENT
Done. 

EVERYONE CHEERS, including SCHMEDLEY & his MR. SCHPARKY!

MR. SCHPARKY
The butterfly stays! Work it out with Mrs. Whore.

INS AGENT
Gladly.

INS AGENT leaves with MRS. WHORE, who winks at him.

RONALDO
Is this a happy ending or what?

CONCHITA
No, that’s when you pretend to give a massage, but you really give a blow job.

MR. SCHPARKY
GO! GO TO WORK! All of YOU! BEFORE I HAVE TO FIRE YOU ALL!

They all scurry out. Last one out the door is Señor Loro, who turns back. 

Mr. Schparky takes his seat at his huge desk, peering over it at Loro. 

Schmedley stands at the door, spying into the office.

SEÑOR LORO
Thanks, Mr. Schparky, you’ve made an old Cuban bird titere’s dream a reality.

MR. SCHPARKY
WHAT’S WITH THIS SAPPY SHIT?! GET OUT! 
SCHMEDLEY! 

SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS FACE!

SCHMEDLEY
Gladly, dad.

SEÑOR LORO waves as SCHMEDLEY enters the office just to SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS FACE.

SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
Thanks, dad.

Schmedley walks out the door, Loro’s walking down the hall a few steps ahead.

The door closes and for the first time, Mr. Schparky smiles.

MR. SCHPARKY
Go get ‘em, kid! ... My fat little fleece & felt boy’s growing up.


He cries into a tissue from his pocket.

************* 

Stay tuned for our next installment on the 1st of June!

MORTIMER WEASEL's Post-EASTER Videos

 

Dear People Who Read Blogs, Welcome back to Señor Loro's Backstage Blog, where you find out the backstage dish on what went on behind the scenes at LosTiteres.TV!

Mortimer Weasel called me in early April talking about the fact that he didn't have a guest for his yearly Easter interview. 

Turns out, the former Easter bunny had been turned into chocolate, and the new one was being considered for a SAG commercial for condoms, and so he was out. 

I backed Mortimer against the back of my office wall one Monday morning earlier this month, and I said: "You are going to dress up as the Easter Bunny and do this Yourself!" 

He protested, but I continued, "What are we going to do? Close down the show? Stay in hiatus permanently?! ... Look, we've got blog entries coming out with our screenplay sections till the end of the year, but we can't rest on that! We need to put shit out on Twitter and YouTube or everyone will forget about us!" 

"Forget?!" yowled Mortimer. "How about meet? ... People don't know about us! My last upload got 14 views!" 

So I urged him to do a thing about SELFIES. In this modern age, you don't need anyone to watch you! You can just watch yourself. For goodness sake, we can even be our own photographers! 

He may be a Weasel, but he does listen to advice: SELFIES

In addition, I said, "Why don't you try some stand-up? 

You know, just riff off the Hot Topics of the day?... 

And here's what he pulled from behind his fake rabbit ears. 

Look, I'm not Fidel Castro, I'm no tyrant, but I know how to produce this show, and keep it running. My motto is: BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY, which is the same motto as Malcolm X, and I'm proud of that... 

Not that I'm an aggressive parrot, nor that I would actually execute any means necessary, but I like to say it, because it makes me sound tough, assured and in charge. 

This is largely what I'm not. Till la promixa vez! 

Feliz Easter and Happy Pascuas! 

Your Red Bird of Resurrection, 
Señor Loro Parrot Producer, 
LosTiteres.TV

*******

LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 4 ~ "Corporate Take-Over!"

WHITE NOISE TURNS INTO AN EMBOSSED VERSION that comes out of the noise -- very HBO-like.

INT. MONTAGE - OPENING GRAPHICS

A REVAMPED OPENING THEME SONG PLAYS. 

Now, all the characters are jaunting around, as in the opening of any television show, except the SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES LOGO is everywhere the eye can wander.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO - DAY

STANDING BEFORE GLITTERY, GLITZY CURTAINS with a GIANT SCHMEDLEY FACE/LOGO, SEÑOR LORO appears to great APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER as any late night comedian or talk show host would.

SEÑOR LORO
Hahahaha, thank you! Thank you so much! MUCHAS GRACIAS!

STANDING OVATION from the AUDIENCE -- clearly out of their minds with joy.

SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Sit down! Please. Sientense! Que bueno que estan aqui con nosotros! So nice to have you along with us today! Our show today is spelled with a SCH. SCHOW. Take a look at the cue card there!

WE SEE THE CUE CARD. HE’s RIGHT, OF COURSE ... LAUGHTER.

SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
As I’m sure you’ve all read in the current issue of PEOPLE magazine, we’re not people, we’re puppets. And as Latinos, Titere-Americans as I like to say. 

APPLAUSE.

SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Thank you, I coined that! But now that we’re being sponsored by a major corporation, hooking us up with this set decoration -- which is off the chain -- I suppose they own Titere-Americans, ‘cause I said it on their airtime! Damnit!

LAUGHTER. APPLAUSE. A STRONG WHISTLE. WOO!

SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Now, not for nothin’ -- today I bought me a Double Decker MUCHO COCOA SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BAR. (HE HOLDS UP A BAR.) It made me feel energized and slightly patriotic...

THE ALL-HUMAN AUDIENCE NODS TO ITSELF: “HMMM... INTERESTING.”

SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)
Eating Schmed -- Hol -- Hold on a moment. Let’s, uh, put down the cue cards. I can’t do this... This is -- I usually do a comedy monologue at the opening of the show, but this is not the one I wro --

SCHMEDLEY PEERS SUDDENLY FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

SCHMEDLEY
(WHISPERS)
Do it, asshole, it’s funny!

INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUS

CONCHITA watches with BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB.

CONCHITA
What has this pajaro maricon gotten us into? This faggot bird is gonna get us into a deeper hole than the one that got torn into me when I fucked Milton Berle. 

RONALDO
You fucked Milton Berle?

CONCHITA
No, honey that was just a joke. Ha. Ha...

MARIO
I had no idea Señor Loro was “family”.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
I think he’s on the down-low.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.

INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS

Taping before a blue screen is MARY JUANA with a few potted plants, and a set that looks like the interior of a small shack you’d have in the back yard. As she speaks, SCHMEDLEY LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW.

MARY JUANA
As I always say, it’s better to eat me than to smoke me -- and that’s why today, on Mary Juana with da 420, we’re giving you the 411 on making pot brownies with cheap brownie mix from your local bodega.

SCHMEDLEY barges in --

SCHMEDLEY
With her very special guest star, SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

MARY JUANA
Uh -- am I totally high, or did that just happen...?

SCHMEDLEY
Yes, it did you silly puppet hermaphrodite plant. 

MARY JUANA
Whaaa..??

SCHMEDLEY
I think we should tell everyone we’re using SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BROWNIE MIX, it’ll make all the brown stuff taste a little more white and freckly.

INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - DAY

Schmedley’s father watches him on TV.

MR. SCHPARKY
Hahahahahahaa! This is fantastic! Way to go son, whiten it up and bland it out!

He presses down on the intercom.

MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)
Mrs. Whore -- get in here!

She scuttles in and stares -- startled at what she sees on the plasma TV.

MR. SCHPARKY (CONT’D)
Laugh, goddamnit! LAUGH, or I’ll fire you again!

She LAUGHS uproarously for him. 

Mr. Schparky laughs till it hurts -- as SCHMEDLEY opens the BROWNIE MIX BOX a little too forcefully, and mix flies everywhere!

INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS

MARY JUANA
(aside)
This segment seems different than I remember.

SCHMEDLEY
(aside)
Just go with it, you stupid weed, I’m having a blast!

INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUS

CONCHITA,  BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB look on.

BLUEBOX
That’s because Schmedley wrote it.

CONCHITA
No wonder, it doesn’t have the usual crackle of Mary Juana’s writing.

They all agree.

INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUS

SCHMEDLEY
Ultimately, once you’ve made the brownies by cooking them in an oven, not by the heat of the sun, as Ms. Juana suggested earlier, you’ll get these... Cue the human model with the big boobies, please.

A BIG BREASTED MODEL brings in a plate of BROWNIES with a SCHMEDLEY LOGO garnishing it. APPLAUSE!

MARY JUANA
What is going on? Dude, I’m not even high anymore. This is gross.

SCHMEDLEY
Well, that’s all the time we got -- Uh, I wanna stress, that I myself, do not get high. However, I bear no ill will towards plants that speak.

MARY JUANA
Slow down that fuckin’ teleprompter.

SCHMEDLEY
Join us next time, when I’ll attempt a bong hit -- not really! And remember, all the previous cannabis advice has been 99% fat free!

SCHMEDLEY holds up the BROWNIE BOX, and FREEZES, while MARY wanders around behind him.

ANGLE - A wider shot, where we see SCHMEDLEY unfreeze...

MARY JUANA
Did you just upstage me, dude?

SCHMEDLEY
Listen, Mary, I had a wonderful time -- thanks for having me as a guest for the next couple of years.

MARY JUANA
Did I agree to that when I was high?

SEÑOR LORO charges in from off stage and PULLS SCHMEDLEY ASIDE.

SEÑOR LORO
I have to talk to you urgently!

Behind him, the GAY MARACAS are going on CAMERA. They’re performing a TWO-PERSON COMEDY ROUTINE, with a background that looks like a MEXICAN YARD SALE.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
I knew I was Mexican and a Maraca when I shook and made noise, but I didn’t know I was gay until -- I shook and made noise! WOOOO!

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!

ANGLE - LORO AND SCHMEDLEY

SEÑOR LORO
This is a catastrophe, you just cannot take creative control and barge in --

SCHMEDLEY
That’s cool -- listen, I gotta be in this Gay Maracas Sketch.

SEÑOR LORO
You’re not gay or a maraca! You’re coming with me!

He drags SCHMEDLEY off.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
You really wanna know what Gay Maracas throw when they do a drive-by?

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SKITTLES! Taste the rainbow, bitches!

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí!

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Hey man, who wrote this horseshit?

INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAY
Now merchandized with Schmedley’s face coming out of every corner, the office looks like a giant ad.

SEÑOR LORO
Do we have to have all these posters in my office?

SCHMEDLEY
Why wouldn’t you want them? They’re sweet.

SEÑOR LORO
Product placement is one thing, but placing yourself in other puppets’ acts is horrendous, and I cannot allow it! 

SCHMEDLEY
But I own this show, Señor Lorno!

SEÑOR LORO
It’s LORO. Wasn’t it my creative vision that attracted you here to begin with?

SCHMEDLEY
I guess so.

SEÑOR LORO
It was MY dream, Schmedley. Let me guide the show. Let me guide you through the bumpy road of television programming. I know what I’m doing from years of programming communist television. In Cuba there’s only one channel. I know what I’m doing.

SCHMEDLEY
But my dad let me buy this stupid show only if I sell stuff!

SEÑOR LORO
Okay, we’ll work in more advertising, but you have to slow it down, dude.

SCHMEDLEY
Alright, I’ll reluctantly promise I’ll behave, Señor Loro. But there are graphs and charts to measure your sales progress. I paid off the FCC and the ACLU for you for a limited time, but if we don’t sell Schmedley Schparky Brand Schocolates, you’re back to being banned.

SEÑOR LORO
Now THAT is what I like to hear!

CUT TO:

INT. STAGE - “INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO” - DAY

Standing before an elegant stage set, Ronaldo laughs subtly as a well-dressed HUMAN AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

RONALDO
-- which is, of course, brought to you by -- S.S. Schocolates. The tasty treats is known in “acting circles”... Speaking of performance, we have a thrilling guest here tonight. Straight from the set of the television series C.H.I.P.s, the visionary Latino actor -- who even agreed to wear his original costume -- ERIC ESTRADA IS HERE!

THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY!

CUT TO:

INT. BROOM CLOSET - CONTINUOUS

A GAGGED GUY in a California Highway Patrol outfit struggles, tied up to a chair.

INT. STAGE - “INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO” - DAY

They are now seated. Ronaldo behind a desk.

RONALDO
Acting is by its very nature --

SCHMEDLEY walks in...

RONALDO (CONT’D)
Uh -- ladies and gentlemen, what a surprise! It’s Schemdley!

Schmedley sits in a cushy chair to AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.

RONALDO (CONT’D)
Although we were expecting --

SCHMEDLEY
Skip it, he’s not coming.

RONALDO
This happened in my Cuban broadcasts all the time. I’m sure this was just his firing squad day. Now, adoring audience, he’s not only a symbol for chocolate, he’s also clairvoyant... It’s Schmedley Schparky!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS REVERENTLY.

SCHMEDLEY
Indeed.

RONALDO
So, I guess you’re my guest today, but you’re not an actor.

SCHMEDLEY
Sure, I am, I’m acting like I like you.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

RONALDO
Of course... Uh, my first question... Uh... how did you start acting on C.H.I.P.s.?

SCHMEDLEY
Can I say my favorite cuss words and just leave?

RONALDO
If by that you mean, the questions of Bernard Pivot.

SCHMEDLEY
Fuck, piss, shit and fuck... Okay, that’s it, this is getting boring. I’m gonna go pee.

AUDIENCE is stunned. RONALDO is holding his gargantuan head in his hands.

RONALDO
See you next time... INSIDE THE ACTOR’S EGO!... This is quite embarrassing -- uh -- I need a drink.

He walks off... ERIC ESTRADA WALKS IN, barely out of his bondage, ropes dangling. 

ERIC ESTRADA
Am I late?

INT. STUDIO - DAY

SCHMEDLEY walks past LORO, who is looking down, shaking his head, crestfallen. CONCHITA WALKS BY and that takes SEÑOR LORO of his daze. He PUSHES CONCHITA towards the CAMERAS.

SEÑOR LORO
Conchita, you’re on next! I need you to take more time! Ronaldo was supposed to last longer, so you’re going to have to --

CONCHITA
I only have four minutes prepped.

SEÑOR LORO
You wanna be a star? Do seven!

CONCHITA
I haven’t stretched this much since I was working my box and Richard Simmons goosed me and made me laugh so hard I pulled a vagina muscle, right there in my box on the Hollywood Squares.

SEÑOR LORO
GO!

INT. STAGE - “A PLAZA IN SPAIN” - DAY

CONCHITA appears to APPLAUSE. She is wearing a FLAMENCO DRESS, with FULL-ON HEAD GEAR and FAN.

CONCHITA
Señores y señoritas... I was once a girl living in Spain, selling flowers at LA PLAZA CENTRAL -- which isn’t a place in Spain, but a place I made up.

MUSIC PLAYS...

CONCHITA (CONT’D)
Truth be told, I was meeting questionable gentlemen there, who smoked cigarettes, that like themselves -- were funny.

A YOUNG MAN appears dressed in a WHITE BULLFIGHTER’S OUTFIT, smoking a SPLIFF. 

CONCHITA (CONT’D)
He was tough and he was cool, his balls big as any bulls, El 
SEÑORITO!

She FANS HERSELF, as he approaches her and does a short dance with CASTANETS before he hands them to her and the MUSIC STARTS IN EARNEST. 

HER PUPPET FINGERS PLAY CASTANETS... HER FLAMENCO FOOTWORK WITH HEELS. 

CONCHITA (CONT’D)
He wore tight pants round that butt, and had balls like COCONUTS, EL SE -- ÑORITO!

YOUNG MAN grabs her and TWIRLS HER behind a nearby PILLAR. 

SOUNDS OF CRASHING! Then a YELP and a MUFFLED YELL, as we see the young man’s concerned face.
Out from behind the pillar in CONCHITA’s SAME FLAMENCO COSTUME, dances SCHMEDLEY!

SCHMEDLEY
He was totally fascinating, and on my breasts his beard was grating, EL SE -- ÑORITO.

SCHMELDEY plays the CASTANETS. Conchita appears from behind the pillar, FUMING MAD, holding a broom -- bristles up!

CONCHITA
Oh no you don’t!

SCHMEDLEY DANCES with the YOUNG MAN, as CONCHITA SWATS at him with the BROOM.

SCHMEDLEY & CONCHITA

Oooooohhh, EL SEÑORITO must be discreet-o, or my husband will find out. How much deeper must I delve, yes, I married him at twelve -- now my lust must whore about! EEEELLLL SEEEEÑÑÑÑORIIIITO!

DANCE SEQUENCE. They dance on either side of the YOUNG MAN.

THE AUDIENCE, hating it, IS FILING OUT THE STUDIO DOORS.

CONCHITA PLAYS THE CASTANETS, as THE YOUNG MAN “Doe-See-Does” WITH SCHMEDLEY.

CONCHITA
Get outta my SHOW!

SCHMEDLEY
This is my SCHOW now, Conchita!

INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS”

LORO
Give it a BIG ENDING!
He throws a banana peel at them!

INT. STAGE - “A SPANISH PLAZA” - DAY

The banana peel flies in as the MUSIC CRECENDOES. They SLIP and end up in a HEAP ON THE FLOOR. 

CONCHITA
Cut to commercial -- (faints.)

ANGLE - EMPTY AUDIENCE.

LORO runs onstage, as the CAMERA TILTS up to HIM. HE LOOKS INTO IT.

SEÑOR LORO
Well, this is the end of our broadcast day! I had the best time! Goodnight, everybody, see you at the cast party!

BLUEBOX
AAAAANnnnndddd! CUT! We’re OFF THE AIR, Puppets!

SEÑOR LORO
Ay Dios Mio -- this was TERRIBLE!

SCHMEDLEY, the YOUNG MAN, and CONCHITA get up off the floor, wiping themselves off.

YOUNG MAN
Remind me never to work with you people again.

SEÑOR LORO
Please, Armando, no!

CONCHITA
What the hell just happened?

SCHMEDLEY
I had a WONDERFUL time! I’ll see you tomorrow!

CLOSE on LORO,  who faints.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE - NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SWIRL ON!

NEW YORK TIMES: “SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY NEW SCHOCOLATE STAR!”

 PUPPET HERALD: “LOSTITERES.TV IS SCHPARKLING!”

DAILY VARIETY: “SCHMEDLEY A SCHMASH!”

EXT. FAST MOTION SUNRISE OVER MIAMI - MORNING

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - MORNING

As SCHMEDLEY walks past, BLUEBOX is sweeping, RONALDO is reading the newspaper, and MARIO is putting make up on CONCHITA...

SCHMEDLEY
How you guys doin’?

CONCHITA
After yesterday’s debacle, you have the nerve to ask?

SCHMEDLEY
“Debacle” must mean “spectacular success”, right?

CONCHITA
Listen, you puerco, pig --

MARIO
Conchita, you promised me you wouldn’t -- there are no pigs in Los Titeres, that’s how come we can broadcast in Saudi Arabia.

CONCHITA
Well, look at him, he’s a greedy --

SCHMEDLEY
You guys read today’s papers, or see the headlines? Or heard any of the reviews on the news?

MARY JUANA
No, like, is there something we should know?

NAKED BOB
I predict more bullshit from this guy.

Ronaldo holds up the paper in front of his face, and Schmedley sidles up to the blazing HEADLINE ON IT!
SEÑOR LORO rounds the corner, and joins them.

SCHMEDLEY
LosTiteres.TV A SCHMASH!.. Read it and weep, suckas.

MARIO
I feel oddly conflicted about this.

SCHMEDLEY
We have the highest ratings of all the networks combined.

BLUEBOX
Doesn’t your father own the biggest three networks?

SCHMEDLEY
Yeah, and he turned off the power to all of ‘em while our show was on yesterday. He also owns the power company.

SEÑOR LORO
Well, he DOESN’T OWN LosTiteres.TV!

SCHMEDLEY
Oh, it’s not LosTiteres.TV anymore. It’s Schmedley Schparky Schocolates dot TeeVee. Los Titeres was totally boring and stupid. But I kept the dot TeeVee, just for you guys.

SEÑOR LORO
Esto no puede ser! I will not allow...

SCHMEDLEY
Oh, and I’m so glad everyone’s gathered around -- I have hired a new consultant to the stars and celebutants. She totally tells Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian and all of the Housewives of Atlanta what to do...

NAKED BOB
Astrologically speaking, this spells doom.

MARY JUANA
I need an Oxycontin.

MORTIMER WEASEL
There goes The Peabody.

SCHMEDLEY
Puppets of Los Titeres, meet your new censor and advisor. A gift my dad gave me -- she’s in this box.

SCHMEDLEY HOLDS UP A CARDBOARD BOX.

SEÑOR LORO
I will never be censor --

SCHMEDLEY
MEET: Gatica Pussywillow.

SCHMEDLEY opens the box, and inside is a BEAUTIFUL CAT, looking up with doeful, blinking eyes.

SEÑOR LORO is about to say something when his EYE TWINKLES. He’s in STARRY-EYED LOVE!

GATICA, a puppet cat, lunges out of the box, and puts on a LIVELY SUMMER hat with FLOWERS on it, and a SMALL WHITE FEATHER BOA. She’s very pristine, and has a slight BRITISH semi-accent.

GATICA
You may call me Gateeca. Or if you like, Ms. Pussywillow. Or pussy for short. Or Puss. Not Willow, ‘cause bear it, I CUN’T. I just CUNT!

CONCHITA
Great, that’s all we needed in Los Titeres, another cunty pussy.

GATICA
I am here to broaden your audience demograhic, by raising your cultural values. (Double Takes at Conchita.) Oh my God, what is THAT CORPSE...?

CONCHITA
I’m ALIVE, dumb ass.

GATICA
Possibly. Of course, you are, dear. You look like birds I leave as gifts to my masters.

CONCHITA
I was totally excited about the show momentarily before you walked in here. I felt confident and sexy.

GATICA
Oh, we won’t have SEXY. Stop thinking SEXY. SEX does not sell to middle America. Think: Chaste. Think: Stable. Think: SOUND OF MUSIC.

CONCHITA
Think sound of: “You’re fulla shit.”

GATICA
Insults are superfluous now.

CONCHITA
Superflu -- what? God, and people say I don’t speak English. What kind of made up shit is that? Superflu-califragilistic?

GATICA
QUIET! Alright, people, let’s WHITEN IT UP, and BLANDEN IT OUT. It’s been way too gay for way too long around here. Your chips salsa overfloweth. Time for some SALTY CRACKERS. 

BLUEBOX
We already have a redhead Cracker up in this spaceship -- fuckin’ up our Latino show.

A STRANGE SQUEAKING/MARACAS SHAKING NOISE.

GATICA
What is THAT? It’s coming from this desk drawer.

When she opens it, the GAY MARACAS are having sex inside it.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Hey, do you mind? We’re trying to have gay sex!

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
Sí.

GATICA
These little musical instruments are DISGUSTING!
Señor Loro closes the drawer.

SEÑOR LORO
Never mind them. It’s spring.
(to the Maracas)
Cut it out, you guys.

The MARACAS STOP making noise. 

GATICA sidles up to NAKED BOB and hands him a suit.

GATICA
And here’s your suit.

NAKED BOB
What? I’m Naked Bob! I pride myself on my intricately corn rowed pubic hair! 

GATICA
And no more fortune telling on your segment! That’s the work of the devil.

CONCHITA
I really don’t think that’s English she’s talkin’, you guys.

GATICA
Mary Juana, you’ll have to sober up, honey. A little rehab perhaps? Can we dress you up like a sunflower, maybe? ... Mario, butch it up dear, you’re too femmy. And Bluebox Jones, our dear, dear blue space alien. You’re only a token, so if you continue to be foul mouthed, we might have to let you go. And you, Señor Loro... In the office! Now!

She pushes Señor Loro off. Schmedley shrugs.

SCHMEDLEY
Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing!

He lumbers off. The rest of the puppets stay, flabbergasted.

CONCHITA
And they say Cuban bitches are pushy -- well, at least we’re not catty!

INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Loro and Gatica.

GATICA
Alright, here’s the thing: I’m firing the Gay Maracas, Ponch and Jimmy, the News Guys -- all the short puppets. America hates short puppets, and chews but does not swallow gays.
SEÑOR LORO
But these are my friends --

GATICA
There is no room for friendship in Market Research. And it indicates that those short, rodless puppets, unable to move their mouths have really low “Q ratings”. 

SEÑOR LORO
But on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood --

GATICA
Irrelevant. Mr. Rogers is dead, and so are the puppets in his neighborhood.

SEÑOR LORO
But maybe if we kept them around to do interstitials, I could still keep them employed, because with the recession --

GATICA
Listen, you hot parrot. I like your verve. I like your red feathers, they tease me. But at any point I could pull the plug on all of this with one claw stroke. You get to firing some people quick!

SEÑOR LORO
Can I just fire them later? Not on Monday morning --
She saunters up to him seductively.

GATICA
By this afternoon, I want those wastes of felt, string & paper mache out of here. Then, there’ll be more room for you... and... me. 

She meows.

SEÑOR LORO
So seeexy.

GATICA
Yes, I am. You’ll do it... for me.

SEÑOR LORO
I’m gonna FIRE it up...

GATICA
Purrrrfect.

INT. STAGE - “NEWS SET”

Ponch and Jimmy are delivering the news.

PONCH
A giant shipment of chocolate was stopped on the border of Mexico and the United States today, government officials fearing that Mexican National Puppets could be hiding inside the bon-bon sized packaging. Now, to Jimmy with sports.

JIMMY
Ponch, illegal immigration has got to stop. No matter how small... Oh, and it says here, we’re fired.

PONCH
We’re fired?

JIMMY
Yep.

They take off their mikes and walk off the set.

ANGLE - OFF STAGE - GATICA AND SEÑOR LORO

GATICA
Let me point out what’s wrong with this picture. Small puppets talking about small puppet immigration? If they had rods and moving mouths, this would be more palatable.

SEÑOR LORO
But these guys are award winning journalists, and they just walked off the set!

GATICA
I’m afraid I have to tell you that we simply must give Schmedley his own infomercial. 

SEÑOR LORO
That’s impossible.

GATICA
Yes, it’ll be practically impossible to fill up the forty minute block you’re going to give him, but I’m sure he’ll think of something.

SEÑOR LORO
But this was my show! My little shitty, poor channel? Why? Why did I sell out!?

GATICA
It’s the numbers, Señor Loro. The numbers... Instead of the usual, your segment will now run two minutes, the other fifty-eight will be Schmedley’s. Trust me, it’ll be for the best.

SEÑOR LORO
Well, I guess I’ve got to get to producing this -- info-mercial.

GATICA
Oh, no worries, dear. Like the firing of those Punch & Judy look-alike newsmen -- it’s already done... Look!

On set, Schmedley is already prepping his candy boxes and props. Now, the set looks like it’s vomiting NEON and PLASMA SCREENS advertising SCHMEDLEY’S SCHOCOLATES.

OPENING GRAPHICS - THE SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOW!

Schmedley jumps around, eating candy bars, who are alive and dance around him.

INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW”

The set has a cartoony feel. Somewhat in the style of Dr. Seuss gone corporate. It’s a kid’s playroom with all sorts of not-so-subtly placed promo stuff.

SCHMEDLEY
Hello, and welcome to the Schemdley Schparky Show! Want some Schocolate? These are made by my company Schmedley Schparky Schocolates, a proud sponsor of this show.

He looks to another CAMERA, smug. 

SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
Now many of my fans have been writing, so I have decided to answer some viewer mail. First letter says: 

We see letters fly in and unfold on a plasma screen. A small picture of the author to its side, in this case LIBBY, a wacked out looking female puppet with glasses.

SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
"Dear Schmedley, you are so fat that I worry for your health. I know you own your own schocolate company, but STOP EATING, STUPID!"

He looks to another CAMERA.

SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
Well, I will definitely take that into consideration, Libby from New York -- as I bite into a scrumptious Schmedley Schparky Schocolate.

He looks to another CAMERA.

SCHMEDLEY (CONT’D)
My guest today is a politician whose skin is colored like schocolate. Libertarian candidate in this year’s election, Mr. Potato Head’s cousin from El Salvador, Don Cabeza de Papa.

ANGLE - FROM BEHIND, we see a potato-like head wearing a hat wobble on.

PAN TO REVEAL - ANOTHER CORNER IN THE DISTANCE - Señor Loro and Gatica discussing the firings with the TWO GAY MARACAS, PONCH & JIMMY.

SEÑOR LORO
They say in show biz, there are no small parts only small actors, guys. (sighs) No, that’s not right. This is so awkward --

INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
THE CAST IS huddled in this little room, conspiring.

MARIO
What would our own people do in Central America? Riot in the streets?! THROW MAZEL-TOV COCKTAILS?! ... (meek) Stick to farming?

Everyone looks up at him simultaneously...

MARIO (CONT’D)
Make babies? ... Worship Jesus? ... NO! WE’D HAVE ourselves a good old time: REVOLUCIÓN!!! Can we say: Che Guevara?!

CONCHITA
Ay, please, Mario, you’re barking up the wrong tree. We Cubans HATE Che Guevara. First of all he was a doctor who killed people and then he’s the biggest Capitalist -- he’s on all the fucking T-Shirts! 

IN WALK: THE GAY MARACAS, PONCH and JIMMY -- dejected.

NAKED BOB
I’m intuiting some shit just went down.

PONCH
You intuit correctly.

JIMMY
Turns out they just fired us.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
All puppets under a foot long.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Sí.

The two MARACAS CRY on MARIO’s shoulder.

MARIO
Oh there, there you guys. Someone else will hire you! Tomorrow you could be playing for Gloria Estefan.

THEY CRY HARDER.

MARY JUANA
Fire you? They barely pay you queers.

JIMMY
It’s a symbolic firing. Like we’re no longer part of la familia.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2
No volunteering, either.

GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1
Sí.

MARIO
That’s it, everyone! In the name of STONEWALL, we gotta DO SOMETHING! ... I’m ready to bust some caps in someone’s ass.

CONCHITA
Weeellll -- my cousin Cuco used to run a Chilean militia. Let me speed dial him on my cell. He knows what’s effective. I was once their victim when they were warring with a Columbian drug cartel, which was somehow involved with a Panamanian cocaine mule smuggling ring. It was horrible... They would pack my ... with -- I can’t talk about it.

MARIO
Let’s DO IT!

BLUEBOX
You gay dudes are aggressive.

MARIO
I’m a butterfly and a make-up artist, but who said I was gay?

RONALDO
Gay or not, we’re all Titeres! Alright everyone, hands in the center.

THEY ALL PUT THEIR HANDS IN AND CHEER!

CONCHITA
What was the plan again?

************* 

Stay tuned for our next installment on May 1st!