Alfonso's Christmas Message to Martha & The Kids

Some fathers don't keep up with their kids ever and much less during the holiday season. It's not easy, especially in the case of Alfonso, who has quite a few kids.

Here is a brief message from a good guy at heart, who might be referred to by his wife as a dirty rat...

Happy Holidays to all of you and remember, be good to your kin.

Love and feathers,
Señor Loro

Season's Saludos from Señor Loro

Hola, Mis Amigos!

I always wonder if there's anyone out there watching our frail little webisode show, and I'd bet that there is really no one on Earth watching what goes on with Latino puppets. I can only hope that somewhere out on another planet, they have access to our transmissions. At least someone will be getting a chuckle.

I take my job seriously. It's a job I gave myself out of the love of my puppet pals, their talents and the fact that I'm hoping to one day turn this over, hook, line and sinker to Goggle ads and have them make it look busier than a MySpace page on crack, who just vomited some flashing gifs. You cyber-geeks out there know what I'm talking about...

Most of you, though, and by most of you, I mean the people that populate the fictional giant audience I have in my imagination -- you want to know what happened behind the scenes that influenced this webisode, and it's not so much what happened behind the scenes as what happened behind the walls.

I heard some rumbling back there, behind the wall next to my producer desk, which is old and wooden and might have some white bird crap stains on it, I won't explain how they got there. Okay, I will, my carrier pigeon friends come over and bring me my medicinal X-pills every once in a while, and they're messy...

But to the side of my desk there's one of those stereotypical rodent holes in the wooden walls you've all seen on Tom & Jerry. That's where Alfonso, our lawyer and regular commentator lives. I figured, like he's spoken of in the past while smoking his cigar, which perturbs me to no end -- that this is where he lives with his wife and 800 kids. As it turns out, he also invites poker playing pals from God-knows where to gamble in the walls...

If we get the FBI busting these already fragile walls down, that'll be it. Show's over, doors closed, end of puppet story. So, as usual, I'm worried about the worst happening, while trying to put together our pilot episode for a new cable channel in Houston for a station called Mi Casa Broadcasting. They contacted us recently about giving our show a test run, and we couldn't be more excited!

To celebrate the oncoming season of mirth and joy, I recently came out to deliver my Xmas monologue by trashing Fidel Castro. This is one of my yearly traditions which I do year round. He's perfect to mock this time of year. He's tall and always dresses in green and stole Christmas from the Cubans; let's face it, he's the living GRINCH!

So to make fun of this bearded Sergeant Buzzkill, and to exercise my freedom of speech, I love to roast Fidel. God knows if I showed up back at his mansion in Cuba and he caught me, the dinner menu would include roast parrot.

Alfonso is dear, don't get me wrong, but he's a handful as you'll see from the video. Hey, we want to be all inclusive here and we don't discriminate against grey people, but more and more I tend to find them debaucherous...

My stress is producing these two new episodes I promised to that Houston station, while still keeping the integrity of our online programming... That's funny, when you read "integrity", I saw your mind chuckle.

Okay, LOOK! (As most TV pundits say when they're stalling to mentally grope for an idea.) Look -- I admit we don't have but one writer. I admit that there's little to no integrity to anything on the show. I have about as much integrity as John McCain dealing with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" -- I will dance about and waffle more than Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles, and you will never pin me down on the issue I hear of time and time again: "This show's crap, give it up, Loro."

I believe in this show as much as McCain believes that gays should not be in the military because they belong safe and sound at home, not off fighting wars, where they might get killed. I'm just trying to keep my show safe and sound.

One writer. I trust him. He's not funny, he's not clever, but he always shows up to work and brings some crap he hacked out of his pea-brain. And since we're puppets, we think it's brilliant!

I know we're stupid because people have told us so. I admit it. They've also said our green/blue screen work is poor. Acknowledged. And the style of the show is off-putting... They've also said the writing is weak and that the freedom to post videos on the internet should stop with us.

Are we backing off? I say "No". How many of you bitches have a show that appeals to our giant demographic of English speaking Latinos ages 18-35, who constantly smoke week and feel bereft of Muppets that represent them? I'll tell you how many: As of today, Zip, Zilch, Zero. I say we at LosTiteres.TV have cornered a niche market. Or maybe we've cornered ourselves into this crazy dream that one day we'll be stars... Who knows? And if you're psychic and you do know, don't tell us.

I will fight with every feather on my body, and then with a few on my cap to keep this lousy show going. You know why? ... Because this is one the most miserable financial seasons ever in America.

And all we've got left, the only joy we still have is freedom of speech, net neutrality and laughter. As long as those are in place and I'm able to webcast my humor aimed sharply at Fidel's nuts into the universe, I will... Kept me caged for ages that bastard did. Only wanted me to repeat after him... Comemierda.

So, not to appear downtrodden, I am very pleased to announce this next webisode where I try to perform stand-up comedy before our live studio audience. You never see them because we get them sauced them up before the show. The online audience is in my head. The studio audiences is real... The guy who whistles regularly is actually a big drunk bear in a pin-striped orange suit, who generally knows how to hold his liquor -- except he likes to do that "two fingers in your mouth" whistle.

Hopefully with a couple of television episodes in Houston this empire can begin to grow into a huge conglomerate like Disney! Maybe we can then move our offices out of this condemned crack house in South Beach.

That would be espectacular! My little dream of starting a show with my Hispanic hipster friends will have become a national American cross-over sensation! Only then they'll replace me with Kermit the Frog.

Maybe producing this show independently is the best way to go? Granted, my current funding source is 50% from a cheap Hollywood actor and the other 50% from the spare change I pluck with my beak from the water fountain in front of JC Penny.

I worry one day they'll bust me. I attract attention.

I'm red with festive plumage and from behind I look like Elmo.

Season's Saludos!
Your Loving Parrot Holiday Guide
Señor Loro
Producing Parrot, LosTiteres.TV